Maybe "for the masses" doesn't mean "for everyone" ...?

Sometimes I want to shout things from the rooftops, or take out a billboard along a major highway, or post to social media. But I can't. So I don't. I don't live in a world where I get to say all the things I want to say, or do all the things I want to do, because of the life I live and the profession I've chosen. So I'll use this blog as a vent for the pressure cooker that is life when you have to choose kindness and professionalism in the face of crazy and mean and ugly every time. Because, while I can't say all the things, or even get to tell my side of the story or even the whole truth, others get to put me on blast with partial stories and half truths, and then the internet trolls get to jump in and say WHATEVER THEY WANT. Alas, in this particular post I want to say something that is unpopular, frowned upon, has even gotten me labeled as "anti-" and unprofessional... PUBLIC EDUCATION IS FOR THE MASSES. THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S FOR EVERYONE. There are things that the public school system CAN'T do. There are a plethora of things they shouldn't have to try to do. In a day and age where the social / emotional / behavioral / mental / academic needs of our kids are growing, Growing, GROWING, public educators are being asked to fill roles that they were never meant to fill. Academics? Yep. Check. Got that. Teaching is what we do. It's who we are. It's the name of the game, literally. The rest of it? It's beyond the scope of our training! Entertain this analogy with me: You take your kid to the doctor, perhaps for a checkup. Your good ol' regular family practioner. Super. And all is well until it isn't. When that family practioner sees something about your kid's health that is concerning, out of the ordinary, beyond the scope of their knowledge and expertise, they REFER you to another doctor. Maybe a pediatrician, who specializes in little kids. Maybe that pediatrician refers you on again, to a doctor who is more knowledgeable and skilled. Do any of these referrals mean that the original family practitioner isn't good at what they do? By no means! It means they are trained and skilled at treating the masses. That's not the same as being trained and skilled at treating ALL the things that could ever possibly be going on with the masses. In fact, I would argue that the referrals make them better at what they do, because knowledge and expertise also recognize when something extends beyond them. And yet. When this same scenario plays out in your local public school, when educators see something about your kid's academic health that is concerning, out of the ordinary, beyond the scope of their knowledge and expertise: teachers, administrators, paras, and counselors are SHAMED because they can't figure out how to be enough or do enough. They're accused of not caring. They're told to figure it out, accommodate and modify until EVERY kid achieves success at whatever level they define it. Throw standards out the window because every child is "unique" and so are their learning styles. And when a child can't, or more often WON'T, participate in their own learning - shame on you, school. What on earth are we doing?! Why isn't it OK for professionally trained educators to say "your child might need more than what we are equipped to provide." It doesn't make us bad at what we do. Sometimes the child needs more. And in today's educational climate, too many kids need too much more than what schools are adequately able to provide. When a parent says to me that two of their child's "triggers" are CORRECTION and INSTRUCTION... I'm not sure there's much else I can provide for you here, sir. Correcting and instructing is pretty much ALL we do. In fact, those two words can be summed up as one: TEACHING. So if those are things that set your kid off, make them feel unsupported, make them feel vulnerable and challenged and stretched and uncomfortable, and YOU DON'T THINK THAT'S FAIR, you're right: public school might not be able to meet your needs. When this same family then boasts that their kid is so much more successful being homeschooled because they're "finally able to get the accommodations" that they "begged and pleaded the school district for"... uh, Bueller? No kidding! If your kid needs 1:1 attention, nope to public school. Certainly if your kid needs 1:1 attention to complete every single task and their work:break ratio is also 1:1, big NOPE to public school. And that's fine! That's what's best for your kid. It doesn't mean that public schools have failed. It means they're doing what they were created to do: educate the MASSES. I can not and will not get started on the ratio of resources spent on kids who can't or won't compared to those who can and will and are. It's not even kind of close. Two of those major resources being TIME and ENERGY. Teachers are expected to engage and entertain and make kids like all the aspects of learning. Dance puppet dance! And if kids don't? Well, what's that teacher doing wrong? The answer: NOTHING. Sometimes learning is hard, and challenges aren't fun, and work isn't enjoyable. And that doesn't make it bad for us or wrong. When a parent tells me that their kid needs a 24-hour warning before facing any consequences, "so that they don't feel like punishment"... sometimes consequences ARE punishment! Sometimes we all need to experience a little pain in the moment so that the moments happen less frequently. That's how learning works. Parents, we need to do better! We need to have realistic expectations for what professional educators can and should do, and then where we STEP IN and fill in the gaps! When I was in 3rd grade I had to memorize my multiplication facts. Gasp! The horror! Memorization?! Wasn't that boring? and hard? and time consuming? YEP! And guess what else... my teacher just taught them to us and then expected us to work on them AT HOME, ON OUR OWN! And we were expected to do it. So you know what happened at my house? By George, we worked on them. My parents quizzed me and made me use flashcards and they joined as a team WITH MY TEACHER in their expectations for my learning. They didn't accuse my teacher of not making the content interesting enough, or expect my teacher to find just the right way to make me want to learn times tables. My teacher did her job, and then it was time for me to do mine. Parents don't get to ask for POWER when they want to assume zero of the ACCOUNTABILITY. The pendulum has swung WAY TOO FAR into safety land: where we don't want our kids to experience hard things or have to struggle, or heaven-forbid, have to do something they don't like! C'mon you guys. I have to believe we want better for our kids than fast, easy, fun, and comfortable. Travel back in time and say that to the "Greatest Generation"... I hope they punch you in the face. School Officials, we have to do better! We have to learn how to REFER families on to a more specialized education. I'm sorry you've been made to feel like saying you're not able to do something means that you're not enough. You can't be fully enough for every single one. We have to hand some of the responsibility back to families. Stop bringing the therapist and the doctor and the dentist and the food pantry into our schools. Schools are for teaching and learning. By taking on all of these responsibilities, in addition to feeding kids two meals a day and having a nurse to administer meds and dress wounds, we have taken all of the work away from parents. No wonder families are disengaged with their children's learning. We've let them be! Hand it back. Stick to what we're good at: teaching. And I know what you'll argue: what about the parents who can't or won't? They'll figure it out. Or they won't. That's how the world works. There's a whole other post, or several, on the needs of our kids and why are they increasing at such alarming rates and where should these resources be coming from? I'm sure you'll be on the edge of your seat for my thoughts on that one. In the meantime, things I want to post online but won't: 1. When you pull your kid to homeschool and want it to hurt the public school's feelings... 2. If you're going to start the story, tell the WHOLE thing 3. Me being the "bad guy" doesn't make me bad. It means I care. You should try it.

The Year That Could Not Be Reviewed

Twenty Twenty. It is what it is.
The circumstances of my life in 2020 were not uniquely outrageous, but I must warn this post is a long one because I want to remember the uniqueness of this year for all of us. One like none of us have seen before, and goodness gracious I hope not to see the likes of again.
I struggle to remember a NYE where so many people were so full of hopeful anticipation as the one leaving 2019 behind and ushering in 2020. So many "this is our year"s and such optimism for this Roaring 20s 2.0
Wow. She fooled us. And we fell for her shiny facade Hook Line & S(t)inker.
Our 2020 started with family heartbreak when Cole's uncle Eric suddenly and tragically passed in January. This led to 2 trips to Colorado in 2 weeks time, and his memorial service on Valentine's Day. It was a really beautiful service and was fun to hear the memories that everyone had of him.
I continued working away on my Masters' Degree, working hard to finish in May; while still teaching those 7th graders a thing or two. Cole kept plugging away in the cold bleak warehouse that is Nolan Belle Motors, where for maybe the first time since being in business for ourselves Cole put all of our eggs in the Tax Return Basket, stocking our inventory in a big, expectant way. We had no idea that Tax Return season wouldn't happen.
Ministry was in full swing. Redeemer Church has grown beyond our wildest dreams and getting to do life & ministry on the daily with such great people is a dream come true. But people are messy and they tend to carry that mess around with them. February 2020 looked like various forms of ministry & counseling every night of the week. I found myself in my house a lot but never really "home." In fact, we shipped our kids over to M&M's house one night a week so that they could have a "normal" family night each Monday (albeit not with their actual parents). Our pace of life was fast & furious & beginning to feel out of control. I didn't know how I could sustain it, and I sat down with Cole & told him I had to unload some things. I told him I just wished I could hit PAUSE, where I wouldn't have to tell anyone no to needing our time, they'd just stop asking for it.
The cold winter weather and the stress and the sadness of it all prompted Cole & I to book a beach vacation for the week of Spring Break, which was just 5 short weeks away. Thus marking the earliest that these Hodsons have ever planned and booked a vacay in the history of ever. 5 weeks was bearable.
Teaching middle schoolers brings a variety of "news" to your plate, and throughout January & February my 7th graders had been educating me on this "coronavirus" that was sweeping through Asia (or as they preferred to call it: the Kung-Flu... no one ever accused middles of being any sort of politically correct).
During the 2nd week of March, March 11th to be exact, I worked a late evening at Parent-Teacher Conferences and came home to find Cole watching NBA basketball. We never watch the NBA. We don't care that much about basketball and I think the NBA is overrated. Fight me about it.
As I sat down with him I realized he wasn't actually watching basketball, but watching 2 teams and an arena full of fans waiting for the officials to announce whether they would even get to play. I heard the announcers talking about players having tested positive for this Coronavirus, or what they'd named COVID-19. That name sounded so wierd to me, cold, unfamiliar. Little did I know...
Within the next few hours not only had they cancelled that particular game, but the NBA had cancelled the remainder of their 2020 season, major league baseball had cancelled the rest of their spring training and postponed their season openers, and the PGA had postponed their tournaments for the forseeable future, including the Masters. What in the world was going on?! Cole & I looked at each other and I asked, "Should we be paying more attention to this thing?" To which he replied, "I think so. This is big."
I had students for half a day of school on that Thursday, March 12 and then they were out for a long weekend. By Thursday night we had a short staff meeting to discuss the possibility of a school shut down in response to this Coronavirus, and were told to begin preparing online lessons that could sustain at least a couple of weeks on "remote learning." What is remote learning?! How is that even possible? How was I supposed to do what I do every day in my classroom through a computer screen? "I can do it for a couple of weeks I guess."
Over the long weekend announcements of events being cancelled and entire European countries being shut down were all over the news. Cities began imposing curfews and the news talked exclusively about the need for people to stay home as much as possible, limit your exposure to others, and help slow the spread of this virus. It all seemed very surreal and sci-fi movie worthy.
By Monday our school district had announced that we would in fact shut down for 2 weeks beginning Tuesday, March 17. St Patrick's Day. Never would I have imagined that day would be my last day in my classroom with that Class of 2025. But then again, I had no idea what we were in store for. That week the city, county & state began issueing ordinances limiting public gatherings to no more than 10 people. That meant church could not continue as normal either. So Thursday, March 19 we met at the 4th Street Theater with our worship team to record for Sunday's service. Our collegiate Connect Group came as the congregation, spreading out over the theater for Cole to have someone to preach to. We recorded on Thursday because that weekend was to be our departure for that beach vacation. We got home that night to the news that the United States had issued a Level 4 travel advisory, warning Americans to cease all international travel and for those already outside the US to return home immediately. We went to bed that night having made the sad decision to postpone our vacay. We were all in tears. #firstworldproblems
The original 2 week school closure became 2 more, and then 2 more until at the beginning of May the Governor announced that all Missouri schools would be closed for the remainder of the year. I sat in my living room and cried literal tears. Tears of heartbreak and sadness and the hard reality that this weird remote-living wasn't going away for awhile. Three quarters of the year complete and we were being sent home to finish.

The 2nd half of March, April and May became a string of days that all ran together seemingly never ending. That pause button that I was looking for in February had arrived in my lap. Nothing and no one needed my time or attention, aside from my own kids and my students who I still mostly "saw" online every day. We all got a crash course in Zoom and Google Meet, video conferencing companies that would end up being the Heroes of 2020. Literally saving the day. There was no going to work, no sports or practices to be at, soccer season cancelled, no church events or even in-person church. We found favor with a local school gym that was willing to let us use their space to record church each week. A skeleton worship team + Cole would meet there each Friday night to record the service, then I'd spend Saturday editing and uploading so that it was ready to be "live" for our church family on Sunday morning. Week after week this became the only scheduled event of my life.
I typically live my life consumed by what time it is, what time the next thing is, and how late I am to it. For 8 weeks time meant nearly nothing to me. We had no schedule. I started cooking actual meals using actual ingredients. I made my own spaghetti sauce. I don't want to toot my own horn, but... it doesn't toot itself. We painted and played and read books and video chatted with our classmates and friends. Cole kept going to work because it's pretty easy to "social distance" with 2 people in 10,000 square feet of space. Because Cole was already out & about, we designated him as our shopper and errand runner too. The kids & I did not leave our house, except for the Friday night recordings, for weeks. And no one was asking me to do otherwise.
This is going to make some of you angry, but I'm willing to risk it: IT WAS GLORIOUS. Selfishly I got to spend all of my time at home with my people, which I know is not normal life, but was such a welcome reprieve for me.

*I need to insert a disclaimer here that I now know that these 8 weeks of isolation and nothingness were devastating to so many. Unemployment & depression were at higher levels than I'd ever seen. It truly wrecked lives and families, and for many people in many parts of the country 8 weeks was just the beginning. As of this NYE writing, we have friends in many cities & states who are still living this "stay at home" life, working & schooling & surviving every day within their own 4 walls.

For our lives here in mid-Missouri May brought some opening back up. We were able to resume church gatherings the week of May 17. We couldn't meet at our home in the 4th Street Theater as indoor public spaces had (and some still have) limitations on how many people can be there. We met for a few weeks at a park in Higbee, scattered about in lawn chairs & on blankets. That first Sunday back together brought tears to my eyes, it felt like being wrapped in a warm hug. After that we met in the backyard of the YMCA for a few weeks until we could develop a re-entry plan for meeting at the theater. By late June we had returned to our home for church, just beginning to take stock of the trauma that 8 weeks of isolation and distance had wreaked on our church family.

We were able to get away as a family to Yellowstone National Park for a couple of weeks in July. I'm convinced that it is one of the most beautiful places on Earth where God is simply showing off His beauty & creativity. Mid summer brought a shortened little league softball season for Zailey, where I got to coach her little team. It was only 10 games, but we'd take anything we could get. The Aquatic Center was closed for the summer, as were municipal pools across the state / country. Backyard pools flew off the shelves and became impossible to find. Stores were sold OUT of pools and bikes and kayaks... anything & everything that would allow people to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE.
Also during the summer I applied for, interviewed for, and got a new job! Not only was March 17 2020 the last day in my classroom with those kids, it turns out that it was my very last day in a classroom at all. Beginning July 1, 2020 I finally put that Masters degree to use & became the Assistant Principal of Moberly Middle School. I was nervous that I would terribly miss being in the classroom but I don't at all... I truly love this new gig that I have!
August brought the start of a very new school year. I never imagined a time when it would be in question whether or not our kids would be allowed to go to school, but here we were. Starting the year with in-person learning was the goal, yet all across the country schools started completely online or with a hybrid of remote / in-seat. I'm so thankful that our district fought hard for our kids to return to school 100% in-seat, with a virtual option for those with Covid health concerns. Teachers & students wear masks all day every day. Passing times are staggered so that the number of kids in the hallways is limited. Teachers clean & sanitize their classrooms at the end of each hour. This virus has all but taken over our school year. I can say without a doubt that I have spent more time in my first semester as an administrator dealing with health department rules and CDC guidelines and {dreadful} contact tracing than I ever even knew existed before.
BUT we're in school! Our kids got to have a fall soccer season, Javik played 8th grade football, and we made it through 1st semester with only one 2-week "remote learning closure" just prior to Thanksgiving. Words like "social distancing" and "quarantine" have become part of our vernacular.
2020 is a year that has taken a lot. Globally it will take years to recover. And that's after this pandemic is over.
But 2020 is also a year that has given a lot. I have learned things about myself, about my husband and my kids. I have leaned hard into my faith and seen God move in my life and in the lives of others. We have had so much time together as a family right smack in the middle of these years where our "normal" is so busy.
Am I ready for things to feel normal again? Yes. Am I trying to remember that not all parts of normal are worth returning to? Also yes.
So I head into this new year differently than I have in the past. There's a different kind of hopeful anticipation, one that is more hopeful that we'll apply those lessons of the previous year and less hopeful that my circumstances will set me up for success. 2020 has given us a myriad of excuses for everything we want to do or don't... the ultimate skapegoat for us. Let's let 2021 lead us to a place where we're able to set our circumstances aside and examine our hearts. Who are we? Who am I?... as a wife, as a mom, as a friend, a daughter, an employee, a church member. I want to be kind & giving, and selfless, and loving, and Christlike.
Time waits for no man: Javik goes to high school this year. Zailey turns double digits. These kids have not hit pause in their growing up, and one day they're going to want to leave this house & live their own lives. This year has taught me to be more intentional in my time with them. Enjoy both the chaos & the mundane. Cole & I will celebrate 19 years of marriage, a dance that we continue to practice and tweak and learn.
Our church will turn 3 in May. A family that has seen serious trauma in 2020, emerging stronger and more faith-filled than before.
Someday we will look back on this year and hindsight will truly be 20/20. Let's all escape this year as better people.
CH out.

The Council of Men

When Javik was born I knew he was special.  Not just because he was mine, I mean obviously that too, but just because I knew.  He was an old soul from the start. He was bright eyed at birth, taking it all in.  Looking and listening and learning. And he's been that way ever since.   

   Since Javik was born, Cole & I have dreamed about the man that we wanted him to become.  We've prayed every day of his life that he would be the "greatest man of God of his entire generation."  And we still do.  Ultimately this child belongs to the Lord.  We have dedicated him back to God, that his life would be one that glorifies our Father in Heaven.

   We know that, as his parents, we have a great responsibility to raise him up in the ways of the Lord, to raise him up in the way he should go, so that when he is older he will not depart from it.

   But we also know that we cannot do that alone.  I believe it truly takes a village to raise a child.  And in the last 13 years of raising this boy the Lord has been tremendously generous to us in the village that He has surrounded us with. 

   

   I believe that so many cultures around the world do this so well.  They live in literal villages.  They are born and raised among multiple generations, and when it's time for them to enter adulthood they know what that entails.  In American culture, we're missing this.  So many parents have singularly taken the load of raising their humans, and we end up with 25 year olds who haven't yet decided what they want to do when they "grow up."  Um... I think you're there.

So during our toddler raising years we began to dream of a "rite of passage" for our boy.  I read somewhere about a man who did this for his son, spent some time with him when he turned 13 and introduced him to manhood. I wanted this for Javik. As he entered his teen years, hurtling toward manhood, he would know that he's loved and treasured, and he would hear from important men in his life what it means to be a courageous man of God. 

THIRTEEN seemed a lifetime away.

And then... *blink*... here we are.  Javik turned 13 on June 27, 2020. Amidst a global pandemic and following three months of shut-down & staying at home, we ushered in our teen years!  And it was time to see this rite of passage dream become a reality:   

The Council of Men

   This group is Javik's Council of Men.  During his life there have been so many, too many to count, who have poured into him.  Loved him.  Instructed & corrected him.  Pointed him toward Jesus.  Church family, blood family, school teachers, coaches... the list is overwhelming.  

But we didn't want this council to last for days....

   So we chose 6.  Six men who love Jesus and love Javik.  Six men who have watched him grow up, some for all 13 years and some for just the last couple, who would walk with him and talk with him, and who will continue to be there for him as he becomes a man. 

   We invited them to be part of this council.  To meet at our park and walk a part of the path with Javik, sharing with him some words of wisdom, meaningful scripture, some "what not to do's" or just lessons they wish someone would have shared with them when they were 13.  We trusted that the Lord would lead them to share exactly what Javik needed to hear.  

Cole invited Javik to go for a walk. He shared with him how turning 13 is the beginning of a "walk" through your teen years, and the walk ends at manhood. Along the path there will be many choices, many obstacles, and many steps to take.  But that Javik won't be alone.  Not only will his dad (& mom) be there for him, but that the Lord has put others in his life to help guide him along the way.  

   First along that path, Grandpa.  The 2nd man who entered Javik's life 13 years ago, the 2nd man who ever held him.  Who assured me that he was more qualified to share with Javik what not to do than anything else. I doubt that. 💙   My dad is loyal and honest, hard-working and funny as all get out. The only thing better than me having this man for a dad is that my kids get to have him as their Grandpa. 

   Next Javik walked with Ben.  Ben has been part of Javik's life for less time than any of these other men, yet in such a profoundly important way!  Ben is Javik's small-group leader.  Every Wednesday night Ben gives up his evening to hang out with a bunch of middle school boys, he shares with them truths from God's Word and he listens to their hearts (and probably other things...). 

   After that, Javik walked with Aaron.  Aaron has been Cole's best friend since Javik was 2 years old. He's seen Jav grow up.  Aaron is fiercely loyal, he loves the Lord and is the most disciplined man I know. And whether it's something he's learned from his bible study, some carpentry skill, or a piece of financial advice, he's at-the-ready with a lesson to teach. 

   Next, a walk with Zandy. Zandy has known Javik since he was a little boy, but in the fall of 2017, Zandy became Javik's 2nd dad. When their family moved to Moberly and moved in with us for a while, Zandy & Jenn literally parented Javik with us. Not only that, but Zandy is also Javik's youth minister. Weekly he spends time investing in Javik & other teenagers, teaching them the Word and how to live for Jesus. 

   Then Javik walked with Mike. I could say 1,000,000 words about the influence of Mike Power in Javik's life, and none of them would be adequate. On the surface, he was Javik's 5th grade teacher, he's one of Cole's best friends, he works closely with us in ministry... But Mike is so much more than those things.  He's not only Cole's friend, but he's truly one of Javik's best friends.  He is a man that exudes faithfulness and loyalty, he loves the Lord, and I can say without one ounce of doubt that he loves Javik like his very own. 

   And then Javik walked with his dad. 💗

When I met Cole at age 15 I was smitten with his handsome good looks and witty sense of humor & charm... and I didn't even know yet what a gift from the Lord it would be to have him as the father of my children. Cole lives life fully.  He does every single thing at 1000% including parenting.  He always brings the fun and the funny, and still he never shies away from the hard conversation, the life lesson, the biblical truth.  

   I'm sure that Javik is just beginning to know what a treasure he's been given in having Cole as his dad. 

   These men are such a gift to us! I am so honored that they gave their afternoon, they stood and waited in the summer heat, and they shared their hearts with my boy.  Only Javik knows what each of these men shared with him.  My prayer is that their words would build a foundation for him of what it means to be a man who loves the Lord and leads well.  

   THIRTEEN.  Five more years under our roof.  The beginning of his journey to being a man.  I can think of no greater council of men to walk along side him, showing him the way. 

   Lord, we give you this child. We are honored to be his parents, raising him up in your truth and your love.  Use his life to bring glory to Your name.  Use him to do a mighty work for Your Kingdom.  Let him know, in a way that only Javik could understand, just how much he is loved.  Grow in him a desire to know You more and follow You more closely. And may Javik Nolan Hodson be the greatest man of God of his entire generation. 

20 Twenty

How in the world is it 2020?!
That used to seem so futuristic... so George Jetson.  Now here we are.

It doesn't seem as George Jetson-y now.
But it does seem to be the start of a brand new decade that feels full of hope.

What feels hopeful about 2020?  Something about the cliche perfect vision clarity stereotype of it, I think. It feels more like a fresh start than other new years.

When I think back over the last year I can't help but smile.  The Lord has given us such a beautiful life, has been so faithful to entrust us with so much.  Sometimes the weight of it all is overwhelming, but that weight is quickly overshadowed by His overwhelming goodness!

In the last year our business has grown.  While often times it feels like it's too much, especially for Cole, who does the job of a dozen men on his own. We have tremendous men who work for us, and couldn't ask for more loyal and trustworthy employees.

I have gone back to school to complete my Master's Degree.  It's been interesting to be a full-time student again, this time as a grown up.  When I was in college getting my undergrad degree I remember "grown ups" in my classes who seemed so "all-business" about the learning.  I thought they seemed stuffy.  Now I get it.  They have lives going on, and they are all-business about the learning.  Because it matters and it's important.  And expensive!  I wish I could apologize to them that they had to sit in a classroom with 19 year old Jeana.  I'm thankful that I get to do my work online!
I'll be finished with my degree in May and I plan on pursuing a job in admin when the time comes. I don't know when that time will come, but the Lord will let me know.  Until then, I'm happy at home in the 7th grade, among my 90 or so little 7th grade weirdos.

Speaking of 7th grade weirdos... Javik Nolan is one!  7th grade, 12 years old, and SO pre-teen it's painful sometimes.  He's walking that hard line of wanting to be a part of things, but wanting to do right and live a life of faithfulness too.  I get it.  I remember that line.  And I dare say he's walking it far better than I ever did.
He played football this fall, and I'm so proud of the way he dove right into learning something brand new.  It was hard for him, being the one who didn't know.  That's not a role he plays very often.  ;) But he did it!  It was hard for this momma too, watching him struggle and be disappointed and stand on the sideline and have to deal with not-so-friendly teammates.  But I know those things are good for him, and I certainly don't want to "rescue" him from every hard thing he ever faces.  But I hope that I'm a safety net for him to fall into when he needs to.
He's also still playing soccer and really loves it. He's plays in a rec league and also on a competitive team, and has made great friends in his teammates.
He attends our church youth group and helps out in Kids' church each week.  He's amazing with little kids and serves with such faithfulness in our ministry.

And speaking of littles... our Zailey Belle isn't so little anymore.  She just turned 8 going on 18 and is rocking the 2nd grade.  Her last year of "elementary" before moving on to another building next year.  She continues to be a kind & caring kid, and is the mother-hen among her classmates & friends.
She's a self-declared VSCO girl, which I had to look up.  Turns out it's a Valley Girl 30 years later.  I can relate.
Even at such a young age, she's quite enamored by pop culture and I'm praying even now that Jesus would capture her little heart before this world does!
She tried basketball this winter and liked it ok, but "not as much as soccer."  And that's OK.  I've settled tight into my role as a soccer mom.

We're looking forward to this year with excited anticipation! 

What Story Are You Telling?

It's HOT.  But it's summertime, so I actually expect it to be that way.  And you will never hear me complain about the heat because 1) I don't have to actually do anything in the heat except float in my pool, and 2) I wait all year for it to get hot because I. despise. winter!

So today, Z & I were running some errands for Cole, who was at work at our very hot, no AC business.
Zailey said, "Daddy is so lucky!  He gets to have one of those giant Gatorades every single day!"
I said, "Well yes... but Daddy also has to work all day in the super hot warehouse."
"Yes, mom, I know that.  But that's not the story we're telling right now."

Whoa.
At first, I was a little taken back by what I perceived as sass.
But then I thought about how deep her little words really were.

You see, I didn't want her precious, naive, 6-year-old perspective to miss the big picture that her daddy works very hard for her, in summertime HOT and wintertime COLD... I didn't want her to selfishly focus on others' "haves" and her "have-nots."

But as I thought about it I realized that her perspective was actually so much more broad than mine.  "That's not the story we're telling right now."
In her own little way she was reminding me that life is what you make it.  You see what you choose to focus on.

There are good parts and bad parts of every single day.  Now I know that there are actual tragedies and illnesses and terrible circumstances that sometimes (hopefully temporarily) cloud our vision.  I'm not talking about those. Those are different.  I'm talking about the ins & outs of every day. 
The alarm clock goes off - I'm awake and able to get up again today! vs Ugh, I have to get up again.
Time to make dinner - I have food to feed my family! vs Why do these people want to eat all the time?
Cole has Gatorades in the fridge - He gets a Gatorade every day! vs He works in an un-AC shop all day.
You get the idea...
Some would call it "looking at the bright side."  Others might call it "seeing God's blessings" in everyday life.  Both are good ways to think about it.  I'm going to start calling it "the story I'm telling."  If you choose to see the negative, you'll tell the negative story.  But if you choose to see positive, you'll tell that story instead.
And we're all telling a story... to our spouses & kids, to our co-workers, our neighbors, family & friends, the lady at the bank drive-up or the kid working the drive-thru window.  They're all hearing our story. 
So, what story are you telling?

Building Walls

This past Sunday Cole preached about what it looks like to take the first step toward doing what we're called to do.  As a part of his sermon, he challenged us to read through the account of Nehemiah, and his work in rebuilding the wall of Jerusalem.  As I was reading through Nehemiah this morning, the Lord brought a few things to my attention.  And I don't want to forget them.
Nehemiah was a cupbearer for the king.  He wasn't a foreman or a construction guru...he didn't have years of experience leading large groups of people... he wasn't in a position of prestige and power.  He was a cupbearer.  He was the first to taste the wine for the king to see if it had been poisoned.  Yet He was willing to go to his homeland and rebuild the wall.
When he got to Jerusalem, he began recruiting others to join him in the work.  The ones who got to work with him were priests (v3), goldsmiths and perfumemakers (v8).  They weren't professionally trained for the work that the Lord called them to do.  But they were faithful.  They didn't have to know how to build the whole wall.  They just worked on their own section.  Faithfully.
Scripture also says that many of the families worked on the gates "opposite his house," "in front of their house," and "beside his house."  They worked as fathers and sons, families,  or "with the help of his daughters."  They were in their own neighborhoods, working as families!  They didn't travel to the other side of the city to work.  They didn't have to find a team of people who knew what they were doing.  They worked near their own homes and with their own people. 
I think this speaks volumes about the work that God calls us to do in our own lives.  The ministry we're called to may or may not have anything to do with what we think we're trained to do.  It might just be work that needs to be done.  It's also probably closer to home than we think. 
There are some people who are called to do great big things, travelling to far away lands telling the masses about the Good News of the gospel.  But for most of us, our ministry is at home.  In our own cities, in our own neighborhoods, working alongside our own families.  Our work is probably not glamorous, and we probably aren't going to get rich & famous for it. 
Name a builder of the Wall of Jerusalem.  Go ahead... I'll wait. 
You can't do it.
They didn't get rich or famous.  Except that their names & stories are recorded in scripture, and they're so famous in HIS story.
And that's what it's actually all about.  Making His name great and making His work famous.

You know what else I noticed?  Their work wasn't easy-peasy.  They had opposition and enemies and naysayers.  People questioned whether or not they were capable.  Or if they were working for their own impure motives.  But they knew the truth, that their work was of the Lord.  And so they were faithful. 
But even in knowing that the Lord was with them and that He would give them success, they still carried weapons while they worked and they appointed some of the workers to take turns being guards.  They weren't careless or naive about the dangers that their enemies presented.  And we shouldn't be either.  Even when we are doing the work that the Lord has called us to do, and we know that full-well, we still should be vigilant and careful to protect that work.  Be armed, maybe physically... definitely spiritually.  And when danger presents itself, keep working!  "Those who carried materials did their work with one hand and held a weapon in the other, and each of the builders wore his sword at his side as he worked."  (4:17)
We are not promised easy conditions or wide open doors into the promised land!  In fact, I believe that if the work is worth it (and any work of the Lord always is), there will be opposition.  There will be those who are threatened by it, and those who say we can't or shouldn't keep going.  #balderdash! 

"Don't be afraid of them!  Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes." (v14)  And so the wall was completed in 52 days. 

Great things can be done when 1) we are faithful to do the work that the Lord is calling us to do; 2) we rally together with those around us, our families & our neighbors, and do our part; and 3) we don't worry ourselves with the business of the whole wall, but we faithfully work on our part, doing what we can do. 

Lord, help me be faithful to do my part in Moberly, Missouri.  Show me how to gather my family, my children, around me to put our hands & feet to work for You.  Show us which part of the "wall" is ours to build, and which parts are for others to be concerned with.  Most of all, Lord, let us remember You, You who are great and awesome and faithful to do what You say You will do!

Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin.  Zech 4:10

2017... The Comfort Zone

Apparently this blog has become an annual Year-End-Review.  I honestly mean to post more than once a year, it just doesn't happen.  Things are busy.
Judgement. Eyes. Off Me.
Two Thousand Seventeen.  I'm having a hard time processing all the things that means:
1. Cole & I have been together for TWENTY years.  I feel like I'm barely 20 years old...
2. My firstborn baby is a decade old.  What?
3. I graduated high school 17 years ago.  I seem to recall only being slightly older than that when I graduated, so...
4. My baby child started Kindergarten.  Rude.
5. After 3 years, Moberly has become home. We are Spartans... and we love it!

This year finally felt settled.  Nothing particularly new or exciting, different or challenging, and you all know how I love that.

•  I finished my first year teaching at MMS and started my second.  I found another workplace that feels like home and have coworkers that feel like family.  And I've confirmed that kids are kids, and middle schoolers are crazy, no matter where you live.
• We wrapped up our (almost) third year as small business owners.  Cole figured out how to run the shop without me;  and he does the business of a small army with just 2 guys.  He's amazing like that!  And for 5 months he took on the challenge of not only running a business, but also operating a Daddy Daycare... and made it look easy peasy. 
• Javik started his last year of school before middle school!  He's loving 5th grade.  He's a genius of course, doing math at an almost high school level and reading college-level texts.  He amazes me with his ability to learn and remember everything... selectively of course.  Somehow remembering to put his laundry in the hamper that is 3 feet from his room is still a challenge some days. 😉
• Zailey Belle started Kindergarten!  The first half of her year was spent at "Nolan Belle Motors Pre-School" with Cole.  She learned so much she probably could have skipped Kindergarten!  But alas... she marched right into that school like she knew what she was doing.  In her first semester she has gotten all great marks, great behavior reports, and was given the Character Award for kindness by her teacher & principal. #proudmomalert  AND, she's a reader!  #gamechanger

So basically, just life as usual.  Both kids played soccer and I think Javik finally found a sport that he loves!  He's become a great Defender and is even thinking of trying to get on the local travelling team.  Zailey has great plans for this coming year including gymnastics, softball, soccer, and piano.  She clearly doesn't understand how busy works.

Oh! And in September we doubled the size of our household when our great friends moved to Moberly to jump into church planting with us, and they moved in to our house while they're looking for the perfect home in the Magic City!  If you've read any of my other posts (I'm looking at you, Mom...) you'll remember that I've been praying for a "tribe".  Low and behold, God moved a tribe member right into my house for me.  #Heanswersmyprayersveryspecifically
People keep asking me how it's going... I think they assume it must be chaos.  I'm sure there are a lot of people that I could NOT live with, and God knows that!  Praise Jesus that the Vandalls are not those people!  We're all pretty laid back and it just works!  In fact, I feel like we got the better deal out of it!  It's basically getting to hang out with your good friends 24/7, plus my kids got 2 extra parents & a big brother and sister!  We could not be more excited about doing life with them, and while we'll be excited for them when they find a house nearby 😉😉, we'll actually be really sad when they move out.

So 2018...

The biggest thing on the horizon for us is the launch of Redeemer Church Moberly!  We've prayed for a long time about how this new church plant would look.  It has been very clear for the past few years that the Lord was telling us to wait.  Waiting for what, we weren't sure.  But we have known that this church is HIS church, and if any success will be to HIS glory, then the timing would have to be HIS as well.  

Cole's heart all along has been to do ministry for free.  Having been on staff at a church since he was 17, the last 3 years have shown us the freedom that comes with doing ministry just because you want to serve the Lord, and not because you're dependent on a church's paycheck.  So... to do ministry for free means that you have to also work somewhere else.  Because life takes money.  We certainly cannot be those "off the grid" type people.  I don't even like camping.

So clearly Nolan Belle Motors has to keep paying the bills if this is going to work.  And as I mentioned earlier, Cole's pretty much maxed out there.  So our prayers have been that God would send us people... ministers of the gospel... other Jesus-lovers who would come alongside us and join us in this work.  And guess what?  He totally did!  Without us (or them) even realizing it, He was preparing the hearts of His followers to begin this new thing in Moberly.  He has used this Core Team to breathe life into this church and we are so humbled / excited / eager / scared / ready!  We are anxious to see this church full of people who love Jesus, and are believing God that He can and will use Redeemer Church to redeem this sweet city.

As for the rest of our time, we're certainly not going to be bored.  We'll be working and playing, the kids' teams and clubs, a family vacay to NYC... maybe even a trip to the beach if I can convince the Mister.

This year I want to be a vessel.  I want to work on some renovation to my temple, if you know what I mean.  I want to devote my heart to His word and be more faithful to spend time in it at the beginning of each day.  I want to be present each day with my sweet family.  I want to look at my phone less and read more.  I want to learn something new and do something I've never done before.  I want to make new friends and keep in touch with old ones.

I want a lot of things.  I know it's presumptuous that I would get any of them accomplished, but new years always give me a sense of hope!  So here's to this new year!  I have great expectations for what 2018 will bring! 

CH out.

Friendship is a weird thing.

When we moved to Moberly my Javinator was a little nervous about being the "new kid."  He started school here in a "funnel" year... a year when students from multiple schools all combine together in a new building.  I tried to assure him that this was a good thing, "everyone is 'new'." And it was a good thing.
But it was a difficult thing too.  Because there were so many "new" people to get to know, kids naturally found other kids they already knew.  And because half of his grade was "new" to the other half, everyone assumed that he was one of the "others." I don't know him... he must be from _____ school.
It was a blessing and a curse.
He's acclimated just fine.

During that first year in the Magic City, I tried to coach him on how to make new friends.  Personally, I've always felt like I thrive in social situations. Even among new people.  I'm comfortable, I'm confident, I can just be myself and get to know others.  I tried to encourage Javik to do the same.  He's a great kid!  He's funny, smart, kind... if he would just be himself, others would see those qualities in him too and he'd have new friends in no time.
Then, the following year, I was new.  And it was his turn to coach me.  He gave me the same advice I had given him.  "Be yourself, mom!  Your new coworkers will see how great you are and you'll have new friends in no time!"  Bless him.
I feel like it went pretty well.  As a direct answer to my prayer that MMS would feel like home right away, God allowed me to have administrators, a team and a grade level that instantly felt like "my people." What a privilege!  Turns out, the "skills" I learned in my decade and a half as a minister's wife came in handy.  I remember names & details that make me personable. #itsnotbraggingifitstrue

My next prayer is a little trickier.  "God, send me friends."  That's a pretty big request.  And, if you're already my friend, don't get me wrong:  I love you!  I have the most dear friends a woman could ever ask for!  A best friend who just gets me and loves me as I am.  Three girlfriends who have been my people for actual decades, who just speak every bit of my language.  Friends who bring joy to my soul and provide great, Godly council when I need it, as well as room for me to relax and hang out when I need that too.
But most of them don't live in Moberly. <insert sad face, pity-party here>
They live 30 minutes away.  An hour, or two, away.  I'm thankful that they live close enough for me to see them every once in awhile.  But they're not close enough to be my tribe.
My prayers are for a tribe.

"Tribe" = Fellow Magic City women who can pick up my kid from school randomly if I need her to... who will let me do my laundry at her house when my dryer breaks... who will meet up with me on a whim on a random Tuesday night while my kids are at soccer & drink cappucino and vent about the day.
That defines a "tribe" to me.  That's what I long for.  Is this too much to ask?  Does this exist in real life or is it something I've seen in movies & on TV and want re-created in my own life?  Do you have this?  And if so, is your tribe accepting new members?
There are a few of those women whom I have met, some whose kids are alongside my kids in school or soccer or church.  I want to be friends with them.  I want to invite them to be my tribe... or perhaps, have them invite me to be part of theirs!?!
But I don't know how.

I don't know how to really make new friends.  I'm great at meeting new people.  I'm great at being friendly with new people.  But to really be friends.  "I don't know what to do with my hands"... or my self.  I lived my whole life in the same house in the same town.  I played sports and went to church with the same girls from pre-school through high school.  I went to college with my boyfriend.  I went back to my hometown for my first five years of married adult life.  I taught most of my career in the same building where I went to middle school.  Herego... I'm only two years into this new found un-comfort zone! And as I've been praying about this lately, because lately it's really something that my little heart is longing for... I'm wondering how well I'm living this out by example for my kids.  I spent a whole school year encouraging Javik & coaching him in something that, as it turns out, I don't really know how to do!
It's hard to put yourself out there!  What if they don't like me?  What if they act like they like me, but they don't really?  What if they do like me, and I think we're friends, but they really just keep defaulting back to their other friends over me?
Am I a middle school girl?!  Does this ever end?
Is it acceptable to just walk up to another mom and invite her to be my friend?  Should I bring snacks to win her affection?  Should I just sit down beside her and pretend like we're already friends?  Maybe she'll think we already are.
I'm in uncharted territory.... so if I walk up to you and just pretend like we have an ongoing deep friendship, just go with it.  I'm trying out some new strategies!

A Whole Year Went By...?!

You know that feeling when you've been out of town for several days or weeks, finally to return home and just...AAAAHHHHHH.  You know the feeling?  That's my 2016 wrap up.
AAAAHHHHHH.
I'm finally home.
It took me awhile to get here.  Like a-two years-while.  The calm after the storm.  The captain has turned off the seatbelt sign after your plane has landed.  Home.  And it's nice.  Life finally feels settled.  Our house is "done."  I'm currently defining "done" as = livable interior and non-haunted-house exterior.  Is it finished?  No.  But for most intents & purposes, it's good.  My kids are settled.  Javik is in his element at school and among his friends.  He has two best buddies who both live in our same subdivision, which is fantastic.  Zailey also has friends in our neighborhood and she's getting old enough to really enjoy the convenience & freedom in that.  I always imagined that my household would be the place where my people gather.  The house where the kids hang out.  As my kids are growing up, and their friends are close by, that is true.  Both kids' friends just stop by, come over unannounced, knock&walk-in all at once, help themselves to whatever is in my pantry & fridge... and I love it.  Talk to me again when my son & his friends are teenagers, eating everything I own, and my story may be different.  But right now, yes please!  And we have great neighbors, which makes life enjoyable all around.  We continue to borrow grace from them, leveraging with the fact that we've made our house look nicer on the outside, so please ignore the fact that we've increased the volume & nonsense level immensely.
Don't get me wrong... our life isn't perfect by any means.  But life at home isn't ever really perfect is it?  Isn't home where your real story happens?  In my experience, my tribe of four can hold ourselves together for a while when we're out in public.  We leave the house, and go to some public place or someone else's house, and we can appear normal - for a while.  Cole & I barely argue passionately discuss issues, my kids rarely tackle each other into an all-out brawl, I hardly ever completely lose my crap & start screaming at everyone like some sort of wild banchee.  We can do this.  We appear normal.  For a limited amount of time.  Then we have to go home.  Home - where all the ugly disfunction comes out, because it's safe for it to.  Where the kids can tackle each other all they want as long as nothing gets broken, and I can take out all my frustrations on things like cabinet doors & laundry folding.
All that to say, there are still some days that I'm riding shotgun on the struggle bus.  Work at Nolan Belle Motors is going strong.  We survived a winter with no heat and a summer with no A/C.  We sold some cars and fixed some cars.  And when I say "we" I mean Cole, obviously.  For most of 2016 I complained about working there.  Because there was no heat.  And then we had to work there until 11 pm for days upon days upon days.  And then there was no A/C and I wanted to be at the pool.  And then I went back to work at a school.  A job that I wanted and interviewed for and chose to take..... and then I felt guilty about NOT working at Nolan Belle Motors anymore.  To be honest, I'm still guilty.  I hate that my return to teaching means more work for Cole, longer hours for him and more stress for him.  I hate it that I'm not there with Zailey this last year before she starts kindergarten.  I hate that my absence means that she's not going to preschool, and that she spends most of her days with her current baby-sitters, Netflix & YouTube.  But I'm also thankful for this extra daddy-daughter time that she's getting with Cole.  She is learning so much from him and is already so beyond "kindergarten ready."
And, I'm a teacher again.  I signed a contract and mentally prepared myself all summer long and then cried myself back to work in August.  Literally cried.  And continued to do so for more mornings than I care to admit to you.  It felt like I had finally made a decision on my own, after so many years of complaining that my whole life was lived on the coattails of my husband - changing houses & churches & lives for his profession - and now that I had made this choice for myself by myself, I instantly regretted it.  I didn't want to go back to school.  I was nervous about being back in a classroom.  I didn't want to meet new co-workers and learn new rules and procedures and be on someone else's schedule.....  blah blah blah.  #1stWorldProblems, I know.   I really do like most of the people I work with... the kids and the grown-ups.  I've made new friends, and learned new things.  And I've remembered how really hard it is to be new.  (If you'll remember, I don't have a lot of tools in my "dealing-with-hard-things" toolbox. So having not really been new very many times in life, this has been a challenge.)  And now that the school year is half way over, I don't regret my choice as much.  I don't cry on my way to school, as much.  And I do enjoy feeling knowledgeable at work again.  Unlike my job as a car dealer.  ;)
We've also settled in to a local church family, which is both relieving and hard.  It seems like I'm using that word a lot.  We visited a lot of churches for a lot of weeks and finally settled in with a church family at North Park.  And I've discovered a few things:  1)  it's HARD to pick a church rather than having a church pick you.  That was a new one for us.  Over the years people have often asked me what they should look for in looking for a new church... and I've never known what to tell them.  I've never had to choose a church.  And 2) it's a lot of work to invest & involve in a new family.  It sounds very egotistical to say, but it's hard to go to church as "nobody."  Not in a low-self-esteem "I'm nobody special" kind of way, but in a "nobody knows us here / we are responsible for nothing here" kind of way.  When you start at a new church, in a new family, as the pastor's family or even as the youth pastor's family, the whole church works really hard to make you feel included and like you belong.  There is a sort of instant-belonging that happens for you.  When you start at a new church as a random joe-shmoe family, a couple with 2 kids, you have to work really hard to meet people and invest in that church family and get yourself involved.
We've been going to this church for about 6 months now.  We're just starting to plug in.  That's my fault.  My spirit is hesitant to let me invest and get attached.  It's really hard to leave a family that you love.  I know - we've left a few.  And it's really hard to get burned by a family that you let yourself love too quickly.  I know that too.  So, I think it's just really hard for me to jump in and get to know them and let them get to know me.  Part of that is because it's just a lot of work, and I've already done so much hard work on every other aspect of moving here that I'd just like to be lazy.  (Yipes! #brutalhonesty)  The other part of that is because somewhere in my head & my heart, I don't think that being a part of the NP family is forever either.  I believe that we are here to "plant" a church (whatever that looks like) and so that means that when the time comes, I'll have to leave another church family.  It just seems like it'll be easier to leave one that I'm not that attached to.  And I know that kind of attitude is exactly the opposite of what we're called to do here for the Kingdom.  What sort of hope would I have if Jesus had lived that way?!  If, in his divine wisdom, knowing that his time on earth was temporary, he had just walked through life not really investing in anyone.  Because the end was going to be painful, he'd just skipped the middle.  The relationships and the miracles and the teachings and the sacrifice and the GOSPEL.... Oy.  So I know that investing and jumping in and doing the hard work of doing life with this family is what I'm supposed to do.  Bloom Where You're Planted!  So that's what we're doing.  For as long as we're called to do it.
So that's 2016.  Twelve months of our lives.  365 days.  We all turned another year older, hopefully got another year wiser, and I pray that we look more like Jesus now than we did a year ago.  And I pray that we'll look more like Him a year from now than we do today.  Whether that be our ministry at Nolan Belle Motors through car sales & service, or at Moberly Middle School through teaching history, or at Gratz Brown Elementary through sitting alongside fellow classmates, at North Park Elementary where my baby will begin kindergarten this year (?!).... at North Park Church as a random family of attenders, or in our sweet Meadowbrook neighborhood by being the best darn loving caring neighbors that we can be.... Lord, let us be yours.

CH out.

This Life Has No Reverse

My second grade teacher gave me the lead in the Dino-Dance in our class program.
The Dino-Dance.  Certainly not life changing for anyone.   Except me.
Her name was Peggy Tanner and she was brilliant.  Not only was she a wonderful teacher, she was a wonderful human being.  She made me believe that I could not fail!  Even at a Dino-Dance, on a stage in front of every other 2nd grader AND an audience full of parents, family & friends.
She invested; and her investment instilled a confidence in me that I carried from that day on.  I know that there were countless others in my life who nurtured that confidence too:  I had other teachers & coaches who watered it and gave it light, my own parents certainly weeded it when necessary, friends and family members have helped it grow.  But Mrs. Tanner sowed the seed.
She was the first of many teachers who made me want to be a teacher.
I knew from the time I was in her 2nd grade class that I wanted to do the same for some other girl (or boy).  I wanted to invest in her and help her see that her own abilities far exceeded even her own imagination.
And so I did.  I became a teacher.
In 11 1/2 years as a teacher I've had well over 1,000 kids in my classroom.  Some of them were easier to invest in than others.  Some of them were easier to like than others.  Some of them amazed me with their abilities & perseverance, while some of them disappointed me with their refusal to believe in themselves or work to make their lives better.  So many thoughts/feelings/emotions when I think back on all of those kids...most of whom are now grown-ups.

One of the hardest decisions I ever had to make was the decision to leave teaching.  For a season.  I walked away from my classroom, my students, my friends & my "home" to follow the Lord to a new mission field.  The day I walked out of my classroom for the last time, my heart physically hurt.

After a year and a half of the longest "season of chaos" that my little soul has ever endured, I had the opportunity to go back home.  Not to move again (heaven help me!) but to return to teaching in the building / community that I called home for so long.
I knew that this opportunity was coming.  A fellow teacher was planning to retire & I knew her "spot" would be open.  For nearly a year, I planned to apply for the job.  In a time when my entire world felt as though it had been tipped over & dumped out, the thought of "going back" comforted my weary brain.
Fast forward to the present... the job opened & it was time to apply.  Hooray!  I applied & went in for an interview.  I walked into it with confidence, thinking that the job could be mine.  I left there feeling less sure.  Not because of anything that changed in that building or with those friends, but because my life had taken a surprising turn.  I no longer felt as though my world was teetering between chaos & insanity.  Instead, I felt peaceful.  The chaos had been replaced by contentment.  It was the answer to my heart's cry, the prayer I had been lifting up for more than a year.
"Lord, help me fall in love with this new life you've given me."
And He did.
I find myself actually liking Moberly.  Even loving parts of living here.  I've made friends.  My kids have made friends.  We have amazing neighbors who love us like family.  We've made connections at Javik's school, both with administrators & teachers, and with other parents.
Our business is here & all of the relationships we've worked to establish through it.
In a turn of events that I simply did not see coming, Moberly has become home.

To most people that seems like it would be obvious.  Where you live should be home, right?  But, you see, I lived for more than seven years a mere six miles from a community that I have zero connection to.  Part of that was due to country living.  Part of it was due to the demographic of our little church there.  But a large part of it was due to the fact that I got up every morning, went to work & took my kids to a different community.  I made a 30 minute commute to another town, planted my kids in that school district, invested in the kids & families there, every single day.  Which I loved!  It was my home & it suited me just fine that it could be my family's "home" too... except that it wasn't.  We lived 26 miles from that "home."  My kids didn't have friendships there that could actually function like real friendships.  They saw their friends at school or daycare, and that was it.  Any interaction for them outside of those places took a tremendous amount of effort & planning on my part with the other parents.  Which I was happy to do.... while I had to.
But now.  Now we live IN a community.  My kids' friends live in our neighborhood.  They see each other at school & then hang out in each others' homes in the evenings & on weekends.  We see the same people at the store and at school and at soccer and baseball and gymnastics... These are our people.  This is our town.
And it took me walking back into my "old" life to see all of that so clearly.  The comfortable thought of just "going back" was gone, replaced by an anxiety about now having to split my life between two "homes," two communities.
You see, I know that teaching is so much more than what kind of lesson you present in a classroom.  It is SO much more about the investment you make in your kids, in their families, and in their school.  And maybe it's selfish of me, but I want to make that investment in my own kids.  In their friends.  In our families and in our school and in our community.  I found myself still wanting all the wonderful (and difficult) parts of teaching... I just want them in my new home.  As a secondary teacher, I will one day have my own kids in class.  I'm looking forward to that!  I want to go to my local grocery store and know those kids who work there.  I want to go to sporting events and be cheering on "my" kids.  I've experienced all of those things as a teacher, in a community that I travelled to and from each day.  And now, if it's possible, I want to experience them where I live!

I've learned that you can't ever really "go back."  This life has no reverse.  It can never be the way it was because God changes us.  When He changes our surroundings and our circumstances, He also changes our hearts.  There are so many wonderful times in my life that I would love to go back to, to revisit:
The excitement in the early years of dating Cole and the anticipation of all that could/would be.
My high school days and the endless hours of socialization with lifelong friends.
My college days and the endless hours of doing absolutely nothing, staying up too late, and making new friends who would walk through my grown up life with me.
The days when my babies were actual babies.  So sweet and soft and snuggly, and quiet.
Our sweet days as the Youth Minister's family of FBC, or the Pastor's family of Perche Baptist Church.

And yet, looking back at each of those times, I see more than that season:
I see the excitement of my early years with Cole, but I also see the beautiful 19 years since then and all that they've held.  All of the time spent in prayer and tears for each other, the moves, the job changes, the babies... this LIFE we have built.
I see the fun and friendship of my high school years, but I also see the sad reality that I've lost touch with most of those who meant so much to me.  Aside from Facebook, I don't really "know" them as grown-ups.
I see the stupidity and silliness of my college years, but I also see the decade & a half of real-life friendship since then.  The marriages, the babies, the woes of motherhood, the pain of divorce, the praying through adoptions and infertility... LIFE.
I see the sweet baby years of Jav & Z, but I hear the late-night giggles of right now.  I see the personality and the fun, the endless questions and the thoughtful minds and hearts.
I see the sweetness of our days with former church families, knowing that however frequently we get to visit them, those days are gone.  Those relationships are forever altered.

Looking back is done with fondness, that's for sure.  But looking at the right now, and what's even more, looking at what's ahead:  that's done with excitement!  Because as wonderful as the past was, even the hard parts and the pain and tears, it has made today what it is.  And as fond as I am of what was, you can't ever get that back.  And as much as I loved every single day of my 7+ years in a school that felt so much like home with coworkers who were more like family, I can't get those days back either.
My heart has moved from there.  My life has moved from there.  And I'm trusting that God will continue to give me a love for the life He has given me here.  Even if it doesn't include teaching.  Even if the decisions are hard and painful.  I'm walking in faith, with Dino-Dance confidence in the One who knows what's ahead.
And may all of the Peggy Tanners of the world know that the seed was sown well and the investment was worth it.

I did not see that coming... 2015 in Review

If I would have known all that 2015 would entail, I would have walked into it a little more hesitantly.  Instead, I naively trotted right into this year with stupid anticipation.  All that I thought would be, is not.  And all that came to be, well, I did not see that coming.
However, knowing what I know now about the year 2015, I can't really think of much I would change.
To understand the weight of that last sentence, you have to know where my heart has been the last 12 months and the journey that God has traveled with me.
You see, 2015 began with what I thought was going to be a year of transition for my family.  Moving a couple of times, new cities, new friends, new experiences.  And it was.  We moved a couple of times, three actually before March 1;  we now live in a "new" city, just one that we've actually known for awhile; we have wonderful new friends and we've had a bajillion new experiences...
It just wasn't the move(s) I was expecting, the city that I was planning for, or the experiences that I thought I wanted.  And my heart wasn't OK with that.
In the last 12 months I've been heartbroken by people that I barely knew.  I've swallowed a tremendous amount of pride and said "Hello Again" to people that I thought I'd said "Goodbye" to.  I have endured 12 weeks of no kitchen, no living room & a construction-zone house.  I homeschooled a 2nd grader... on a mediocre level... and constantly felt guilty about the lack of education that was actually happening.
I have battled bitterness that was so strong I was convinced that I'd never see the other side of it.  And here's the thing about bitterness:  it's really pretty one-sided.  The people that I was bitter toward had & have no idea.  My bitterness has not affected them at all.  But the other thing about bitterness:  it creates a deep, dark hole in the heart of the one who is harboring it.  My heart was so broken over the loss of a life that I never lived.  And that darkness led to depression.  I was so focused on what I thought I had lost, that I couldn't see what I had actually gained.  That was hard for me to realize... and even harder to explain to those around me who just kept asking me "what's wrong?"
As Christians, I don't think we know enough about depression.  About how to recognize it, how to cope with it, how to minister to those going through it.  It's so much more than just needing to "feel better" and "be happier."  But that's another post...
It took me a long time, the majority of 2015 if I'm being honest, to begin seeing all that I had gained.  I have a beautiful home that is filled with our blood, sweat & tears...literally.  In a wonderful neighborhood where we have made friends that are so dear to us.  There are people in my life who have been my friends for years who are now a whole lot more like family.  That's a gift.  I spent 7 1/2 months with my husband & kids, 24/7, just the four of us.  There were a lot of days when that was harder than I wanted to admit, but the truth is, those are days I'll never get back.  Even after Javik started back in public school, which he loves, with a teacher we adore, I still get to spend every day with Cole & Z.  Granted, starting your own business (a business that I knew NOTHING about) was much harder than I thought it would be.  But I have seen a new side of our family.  My husband will relentlessly provide for us.  I "knew" that before... but I KNOW it without a doubt now.  That is a blessing.  In a world where there are too many absent husbands & fathers, my man will step up every single time.  I thank God for that.
And my kids are resilient!  They are far tougher at ages 4 & 8 than I would say I am at 34.  They are so like their dad in the way they take things in stride, go with the flow, don't get their feathers ruffled at the unexpected.  Again, a gift!  Because I am quite the opposite.  I don't know that I could have accurately guessed exactly how I would handle a year like 2015... a year where every plan I had was thrown to the wind and my faith in a God much greater than I was put to the test.  I would have liked to guess that I would have handled it with grace, with steadfast faith & hope, with patience and forgiveness... I know now that I did not.  During one particular meltdown (one of many I might add) I said to Cole, my calm in the storm, that I just didn't know how to handle all of the emotions I was feeling about life.  He very genuinely asked me "Well, how have you handled hard things in the past?"  ..... crickets.....  I had to look at him, and confess that I haven't really had to handle hard things in the past.  I believe my exact response was "Um, I don't believe I have that particular skill set."
My life has been so easy!  God has so blessed my days that I naively thought that was just the way life would/should always be!  Never mind that all throughout scripture we read that God uses really hard circumstances to grow faith and teach dependence on him.  Clearly I could read about those other guys and get the message... or maybe not.  Apparently I needed the actual storm in my life to understand what all that "My grace is sufficient" and "I am made strong in your weakness" stuff was all about.  Praise God that He is so patient with me!  That He is so faithful and so good and so committed to this relationship.  I would have kicked my own self to the curb by now!
This year has been hard.  And awesome.  And crazy and wonderful and frustrating and exciting... I'm sure that most years could be described that way, but this year has been one for the books in my life.
And I'm certainly not writing this from a "whew, glad that's over" vantage point.  It's not that I've completely overcome the bitterness.  There are places & people & "keywords" that trigger a not-so-pretty side of me.  I'm working through that.  And there are still times when that darkness of depression threatens to creep in and choke out the joy in my life.  I'm working on that too.  The most helpful aspects are that I can be honest with Cole & my inner circle about where I am and where I want to be headed.  I truly know that God is good.  That He is holy and just and loves me so.  I really do believe that He knows what is best and wants good for my life.  I also know now that His definitions of "best" and "good" aren't always what I envisioned.  And I'm learning that faith means that I trust Him still.  For too many years I prayed for His will and then really tried to force it to match mine.  No more.  I long to be in the center of HIS will, in the center of HIS work, and I long for contentment while I'm there.  I believe it will come.
I'm learning what it means to surrender, daily, my will to Him.  Some days it's much harder than others, but I think that growth is hard and painful and necessary.  I'm learning much about myself, about who I am when I'm in hard places.  I've always said that I'm a better mom & wife when I work... and yep, that's true!  I need to feel necessary and important.  That's probably pride in me;  I'm working on that too.  I'm learning about the car dealer world.  I'm learning how to see value in being behind-the-scenes, that the mundane tasks by the unskilled worker are important too.
I'm even learning to like Moberly. :)  It's really a nice little town and it's feeling more and more like home for us.  And I'm excited about what 2016 is going to hold for us.  I'm not making lists, I'm not putting together a Hodson Family Plan... but I'm excited.  Because I know that no matter what it holds, we're being held by One who can be trusted.

This song by Casting Crowns nearly brought me to my knees one day.  I was driving down the road and had to pull over, just letting the words sink in to my heart & mind...

Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere and barely leaves you holding on
And when you're tired of fighting, chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender, lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

If your eyes are on the storm you'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross you'll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted, in time you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with ashes, your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes, in the storm is where you'll find Me
and where you are, I'll hold your heart; I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest, in the arms of the God who won't let go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

I know that the events of my year don't even hold a candle to what some around the world have dealt with... I know those who have handled heartache in the foster system, there's a global refugee crisis, people fighting for their homes & lives, there is death and destruction and heartache all over this fallen world.  And I truly know that I am blessed beyond measure to have the life that I have.  I heard once that if everyone in the world put their troubles in a pile, we would all scramble to get our own back.  I know that's true.  In light of those problems, my "hard things" are nothing.
But I also know that God will use what He needs to in order to draw us closer to Him.  This hard season was what I needed (anything more severe would have very likely crushed me!)  And now I am prepared to face the next hard thing, whenever it comes.  And I will lean on my Savior, and I will depend on those He has placed in my life who hold me up, and I will live a life that I pray glorifies Him!
Happy 2016.  I'm giving this one to Jesus.

Making a House into a Home

OK, well my goal of blogging the house reno process went down the drain as the literal drain of renovating a house took over!  So I'll attempt to retell the story in hindsight.

12 weeks.
If you'd tried to convince me that my family could live in a construction zone, with no functional kitchen or living space for 12 weeks... I'd have told you you were crazy.  And yet...
12 weeks.
We took possession of our house on February 20, 2015.  We drove from the title company where we signed straight to the house, walked in the door, and got to work.  We borrowed two 5-foot pry bars and immediately started tearing up the flooring of our new "dirty house" as Z kept calling it.

The front... you can't tell so much from the outside, but this house was practically a crime scene.

A family room? ... AKA the room that is now my dining room.

A terribly cramped gally kitchen, that smelled worse than it looked looking into what is now our office/school room.

The master bath (which we gutted and left for later!)

The living room... I promise you no one died here, it just looks that way.  The floors are so hideously awful you almost can't notice the horrible striped wallpaper!

My master bedroom.  I don't even know how windows break like that?!

The 1/2 bath downstairs... at least, I think.  It smelled so awful that I never actually stepped in there before it was gutted & ripped out.

Javik's bedroom... Zailey's was equally awful.

Now you know why the "dirty house" wasn't such a bad description!  When we first walked through it with our realtor, I could see its' potential.  I could tell that there was a home here just dying to break free!  It was just going to take more work than I've ever put into anything in my life.  

Our first walk through with our friend Aaron & my parents yielded looks from them that are unparalleled... as if to say "WHAT on earth are you thinking?!"  If I'm honest, I was giving us that same look.

We busted our tails for the next 2 weeks.  Replaced every inch of flooring and most of the walls.  Ripped out 2 full bathrooms and fully replaced 1 of them (we decided that the master bath is a luxury that can wait until later).  We did some minor construction (moving the laundry to an upstairs central location), and then called on our friends for help.  We worked 16+ hour days for 14 days straight.  The cold, dark, damp & musty basement was the cleanest, safest space for my kids to be at that point, so they played / watched TV from their lawn chairs down there.  I am thankful every single day that God gave us easy-going kids!  This process would have brought lesser children to their knees!

On March 2, we painted the entire 2nd floor.  March 3 carpet was installed.  And March 6, 2015, this house became our home.  The bathroom upstairs was the only source of running water.  The refrigerator was in the garage, and the mayhem was just beginning.

The night we moved in (thanks again to incredible friends & family who came to haul all of our belongings with us!) I told Cole & Aaron that my dream would be to have a house-warming party in a FINISHED house by Memorial Day.  We counted the weeks, just shy of 12, and they both nervously laughed.  Then Aaron said, "Sure!  Memorial Day it is!"  Even now, as I write those words, tears come to my eyes.  I had no idea then what an emotional process living inside a renovation would be.

The work was hard and the days were long.  But the time together as a family was filled with lessons that none of us will forget.  

We donned our masks to rip up floors and scrape popcorn off of ceilings for what seemed like days at a time.

Family & friends here working 24/7 also made for good quality time with the ones we love!

This pile of tools changed from day to day, but mostly remained a constant throughout the house.

There were MANY late night planning sessions... me, Cole & Aaron.  These guys worked themselves silly to make my Memorial Day dream come true.

Our dog, Fancy, had moved to my parents' house at the end of December 2014.  They graciously had agreed to keep her for the year that we were to be in Kansas City.  When that plan changed, they graciously kept her for us until we could make this life workable for her here in Moberly.  One month in, April 6, we brought her home!  She pretty much thought we'd gone mad.  But the kids were SO excited to finally have her home!

It felt like we did nothing but work.  Countless days & nights meals would sneak up on us... often times it was 8:00 at night before I thought about the fact that we hadn't eaten yet!  *Again, thankful for easy-going kids!  Our card table, which had seen very little use prior to this move, served as our dining table & school table & anything-we-need-a-table-for table.  Paper plates & utensils were our fine china. 

April 28.  The last of the 175 plates that Dena gave us the night we moved in.  We bought another 100 & used the last of them on Memorial Day. :)

We tried to live life among the working.  We tried to make it to big things like birthday parties & weddings along the way.  Amidst the construction it was a constant struggle to make sure everyone made it into clean clothes upstairs & that we were still clean by the time we got through the downstairs!  They say that hard work comes with blood, sweat & tears... truth!  We have all bled, sweat & cried in this process!  Zailey Belle wins for the most tears shed.  She & Cole probably tie for the most blood lost.  Shockingly, there was only the one major incident with Z & the step ladder.  For 12 weeks in a construction zone, I call that a win.

Every completed project felt like a major victory.  Slowly but surely the house started coming together.  The tool pile got smaller as the paint bucket pile grew.  When we finally got every wall sheet-rocked & the cabinets mocked up to look like a "kitchen" I could see the light at the end of the tunnel! Once again, we called on our friends & family to help us paint the 1st floor... and just like they do, they came through.  Paint on the walls meant the clean up could begin.

May 5th we finally got rid of the "pantry table" (a door on 2 sawhorses) and replaced it with a REAL pantry!

Paint buckets everywhere

May 16th the floors started going in!  What a beautiful sight!

A project that we never could have taken on, much less completed, without the help of so many loved ones!  Behind these walls lies miles of new electric wiring, water lines, newly crafted duct work, hundreds of 2x4s and more labor than you can imagine.  Every minute of time sacrificed & donated to us out of love.  On the surface you see gallons of paint, thousands of square feet of flooring, painted cabinets & furniture, the heaviest counter tops EVER... again, put on & in as a labor of love.

A custom kitchen that first appeared in my mind, and then before my eyes!

Hanging outdoor lanterns over the bar got me some looks by the men... but turned out one of our favorite things!

The center of our home, a perfect place for a reminder of what's most important

The same "dirty" fireplace, now cozy in the dining room

It's amazing what taking out a few walls will do to open up a room! ;)

"Home"  More than just a word or a piece of art on the wall (replacing that awful striped wallpaper!) my relaxing boys say it all. 

May 25th, Memorial Day.  My house is finished!  The rooms were filled with the family & friends & neighbors who have given us so much more help than we'll ever deserve these last 3 months.  As I walked around, visiting & laughing & "showing off" our hard work, I fought to keep the tears from spilling over out of my eyes.  This.  This is what a home is for.  

I am & will continue to be overwhelmed by the love of the friends God has put in our lives.  I'm even more overwhelmed by His faithfulness to us.  To love us and show us grace & mercy, to give us a hope & a future.  This house that He provided for us, made of wood and nails and beams, now our home, made of hard work and love and dreams.  My prayer is that we would use this house to love others even more than we have been loved.  That the doors are always open to anyone in need, and that the rooms be filled with laughter & fun for all of our days here.

We still have some projects on our list.  The stairs will be done, the master bath & the basement finished, the outside will get new siding & shutters & paint... but for now, we will rest.  We will re-enter the land of the living, and for the love of pete, we will WORK for an actual income!  

My heart is full.  We are Home.