Isaiah 40:31 says this:
"But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
they walk and don't lag behind."
Now for starters, I'd love to run and not get tired. That would do wonders for my workout regimen. And the hubby would certainly be thrilled if I would walk and not lag behind. [I blame his long legs...]
But the part of this verse that is hitting me square in the face right now is that first line...
"But those who wait upon God..."
I did Beth Moore's study of Esther this fall, and in one of the lessons she talks about waiting on the Lord rather than waiting on an event. And while I thoroughly enjoyed the lesson and loved Beth's insight... I didn't realize how much I was waiting on any event until just recently.
I want another baby.
There, its out. Out there in cyberspace, for all the world to read [as if "all the world" reads this blog], never to be removed from web-history.
I want another baby. I want Javik to be a big brother. I want to be pregnant again, and go through that newborn stage again, and experience the thrill of watching another helpless infant become an independent person.
And it's not happening.
Granted, we've only been trying for about 4 months. And I know that there are couples who try for years. Close friends of ours, in fact. So, I'm not begging for pity. I'm just realizing that I'm waiting on this event. I'm trusting in my own ability to get pregnant [not completely on my own, of course, but.... this is a family blog].
Instead of waiting on the Lord, in His perfect timing and infinite wisdom and divine plan for my life and my family, I'm waiting on a baby.
And to make matters worse, it seems like everyone else I know IS having a baby.
Friends who have literally been trying for years... expecting.
Friends who already have children, but who have experienced heartache in having others... expecting.
Friends who already have more children than they ever planned, and who were not trying to have any more... expecting.
Friends who have no business having a baby because their lives are a mess to begin with... expecting.
Friends who aren't married, and who never thought "this" could happen to them... expecting.
And I'll be honest, I'm fighting a little bitterness. I'm fighting the urge to ask God if He forgot about me. Doesn't He know my plans? My desires? My timeframe?
I thought I had it all planned so well... Javik would be about 4... baby would be born in May so that I could have the whole summer off without taking maternity leave...
and yet, nothing.
So how does one "wait on God"?
I'm trying to wait by trusting. Trusting that God, in fact, does know me and remember me and love me. He knows what's best for me because He not only knows where I've been... He knows where I'm going. He knows what's ahead for my family, and He knows when it will be the perfect time for us to add to it, or if it won't be perfect at all for us to add to it.
And I know that regardless of the efforts of others, no life is created by accident. God just as purposely created the lives of those babies for our friends who so desperately want to be parents as He did the lives of the babies for those people who aren't at all ready for it... and He's just as purposely not creating another life in this family.
I am but a speck in the paint of one stroke on the canvas... and He can see the entire mural.
Lord, teach me what it means to "wait" on You. That my strength will be renewed. That my faith will be strengthened. That my love for you would begin to reflect one tiny ounce of your love for me. Thank you for that love. Thank you for having a plan for my life.
And thank you, that no matter whether another baby ever comes along or not, I already have one amazing family!
12.27.2010
5.29.2010
Verdigris Extremity
At the risk of shocking anyone who really knows me...
I think I'm getting a Green Thumb!
When we moved to our house 2 years ago one of the things that I loved about it was all of the landscaping beds. So, as a token of my appreciation of them, I have successfully neglected said landscaping beds since the day we moved in. Not on purpose of course, just because I don't really know anything about gardening or taking care of plants!
So one of my goals for this summer was to clean out & clean up those landscaping beds. Weed them out, plant some new plants, and re-mulch... and so it begins. Just as I was getting ready to begin my undertaking, we heard about a landscaping business that was closing nearby, and they were planning to auction all of their inventory! Perfect! So we went, we spent, and we came home with quite a haul.
Knowing nothing about any plants, including the ones I purchased at the auction, I googled all of them and made a plan. Since then, I've made about 4 trips to Menards & nearly doubled my plant "collection"!
I'm about a third of the way through my landscaping beds... I've used about 10 of my 40 bags of mulch... I've planted 4 planters & 9 pots of flowers... and I'm loving it! Turns out gardening flowers provides a lot of time to think, and provides a lot of similarities to my spiritual life. My existing plants were full of dead leaves and dying stems, which left no room for new life to grow through! I've realized I'm a lot like those plants. I hold on to all of the dead & painful things in my life, never being willing to let Jesus "clean me up" so that new life can grow!
I'm sure that if my plants could talk, they'd share that being weeded is no fun. But the pain is worth the growth! My heart is the same way.... being spiritually weeded is no fun. And unlike my plants, I have the ability to hold on... hold on to the old without giving it over to the LORD. But when I am willing to let go, willing to give it over to Him, that's when I can grow! Grow in Him and for Him.
And so, this summer, I'm seeing change in more than just my landscaping! My property is getting a makeover & so am I!
And if any of my newly planted friends survive the next month or so, I'll be sure to post pics to share! =D
5.14.2010
Branching Out in the Blogosphere
Apparently it's not enough for me to not keep up with one blog... I've started another!
My Javik says & does the funniest things on a daily basis. And I know that the reality of life & motherhood is that I will not remember them, despite how much I really would love to.
So I've started blogging the funny things that he says, the "Javisms" of our life.
www.javisms.blogspot.com
Thank goodness I'm a mother in this day of technology... my boy turns 3 next month & I barely have his first months scrapbooked. I've forgotten to write down nearly every thing a mother is supposed to record in a baby book. If it weren't for our periodic recordings of his height & weight on his closet doorway, I'd have nothing!
So these Javisms will hopefully enable me to look back on my days with my little guy and smile. I spend every day with 13 & 14 year old boys... I know that despite my every attempt to keep it from happening, Javik will one day become one of them. And I know from my many conversations with the mothers of my students that apparently the teenage years of your children come with worries & stresses & frustrations & joys of their own. I want to be able to remember. To remember what the worries & stresses & frustrations & joys were of having a (3) year old. And hopefully to look back with fondness while looking at the amazing young man my boy has become.
My Javik says & does the funniest things on a daily basis. And I know that the reality of life & motherhood is that I will not remember them, despite how much I really would love to.
So I've started blogging the funny things that he says, the "Javisms" of our life.
www.javisms.blogspot.com
Thank goodness I'm a mother in this day of technology... my boy turns 3 next month & I barely have his first months scrapbooked. I've forgotten to write down nearly every thing a mother is supposed to record in a baby book. If it weren't for our periodic recordings of his height & weight on his closet doorway, I'd have nothing!
So these Javisms will hopefully enable me to look back on my days with my little guy and smile. I spend every day with 13 & 14 year old boys... I know that despite my every attempt to keep it from happening, Javik will one day become one of them. And I know from my many conversations with the mothers of my students that apparently the teenage years of your children come with worries & stresses & frustrations & joys of their own. I want to be able to remember. To remember what the worries & stresses & frustrations & joys were of having a (3) year old. And hopefully to look back with fondness while looking at the amazing young man my boy has become.
2.08.2010
The Newspaper About God
Javik handed me this paper he got at Sunday School a few weeks ago...
he said, "Here Mommy, don't forget to read your newspaper... it's about God!"
Wow buddy, thanks!
Then he points to the older gentleman on the paper... "That's my daddy! He's my preacher of the bible."
My heart = melted!
He then points to the pianist pictured... "And that's Katie. She plays the piano at my church!"
He's so excited about everything he learns at Sunday School.
He LOVES his teachers, Mr. Mark & Ms. Dawn!
I pray that his excitement for the things of God never goes away! I hope that years from now he's just as excited to get up and go to church on Sunday mornings as he is right now.
2.03.2010
Chilly Chili
My husband claims that a blog shouldn't be m i l e - l o n g posts every once in a while, but rather should be snippits of life on a more frequent basis... he apparently fancies himself the blogging expert! LOL
However, after thinking on his "advice" I've decided that this year my goal is to write more often about the things that seem less significant... (I know... I'm getting a late start!)
So this morning when Javik & I were leaving the house at 6:30 a.m., (before Mr. Sun had even woken up) I said to him, "Man, its chilly out here."
Javik's response: "Chili?! That's a food that we eat!" and as he looks around the yard "I don't see any chili out here!"
I couldn't help but L.O.L.! I said to him, "Actually, chilly has two meanings... it IS a food that we eat, but it also means a little bit cold." He stared at me as if I had just made up the craziest thing he'd ever heard (similar to the look I get from 8th graders on a daily basis).
So the entire ride to town I could hear him in the backseat trying to convince himself : "it is a food that we eat AND a little bit cold..."
So funny! I couldn't even begin to tell you where I was the day I learned the difference between chilly & chili... it's just something that I know. But I'm pretty sure I'll never forget the day Javik learned the difference!
And I couldn't bring myself to inform that Chile is also a country in South America... that seemed like too much for his little boy brain to handle so early in the morning!!
However, after thinking on his "advice" I've decided that this year my goal is to write more often about the things that seem less significant... (I know... I'm getting a late start!)
So this morning when Javik & I were leaving the house at 6:30 a.m., (before Mr. Sun had even woken up) I said to him, "Man, its chilly out here."
Javik's response: "Chili?! That's a food that we eat!" and as he looks around the yard "I don't see any chili out here!"
I couldn't help but L.O.L.! I said to him, "Actually, chilly has two meanings... it IS a food that we eat, but it also means a little bit cold." He stared at me as if I had just made up the craziest thing he'd ever heard (similar to the look I get from 8th graders on a daily basis).
So the entire ride to town I could hear him in the backseat trying to convince himself : "it is a food that we eat AND a little bit cold..."
So funny! I couldn't even begin to tell you where I was the day I learned the difference between chilly & chili... it's just something that I know. But I'm pretty sure I'll never forget the day Javik learned the difference!
And I couldn't bring myself to inform that Chile is also a country in South America... that seemed like too much for his little boy brain to handle so early in the morning!!
12.31.2009
Farewell 09.... Hello 1-0
Tis the end of another year. I don't know why but I always feel a little hesitant going into a new year... what will it bring? How much different will my life be 365 days from now?
2009 has been a pretty great year for us. Javik has grown so much in the last month I can't even begin to recount how he's changed in the last year. He has quickly become a little boy, right under my nose! I read a book once where a mother said that if she could go back in time and do any one thing she would most like to relive her children's "lasts." Time passes so quickly, and is lived so day-to-day, that we often miss the lasts of life :: the last bottle you fixed, the last diaper you changed, the last time he scooted down the stairs rather than walked... While I know that there are many more firsts in Javik's life, he has crossed over some of those lasts. I know that one year from now, there will be countless more "lasts" to add to that list.
In the here & now, though, he is quite a guy! He loves to play outside (in any temp or weather!), he loves action movies & cartoons and fancies himself to be a Super-Mr. Incredible-Spiderman-football player! He could practically go pro in running & jumping (with both feet... at the same time...) and has recently mastered the art of "pretend." I catch him narrating his playtime through the eyes of his toys :: " 'Let's go over here,' said the elephant." " 'What's going on?' asked the Helicopter." Hearing his sweet voice never gets old and never fails to melt my heart!
He is also 2... and with that age comes serious trial and error on the part of a (usually) sweet boy & his parents! We're daily teaching about appropriate attitude & tone, and exactly who has the job of being the boss & who is the listener!
2009 also brought another job change to our lives. One year after Cole left full-time youth ministry to pursue evangelism, God lead us to a small church 0.1 mile from our new home, who was (surprise!) seeking a pastor! After much prayer and many many Sunday visits, Cole accepted a position as full-time pastor of Perche Baptist Church. His role as pastor there is so unlike the ministry positions he's had in the past, and the small church atmosphere has definitely taken some getting used to! But our new church family has been so loving to us and made us feel like part of the family right from the start! Yet again, I am reminded of how truly blessed we are to know & serve such a mighty, loving God!
While I haven't had any major changes in my career over the last year, life in the 8th grade is never without excitement. =) I continue to teach math at the middle school in my hometown. I love my co-workers & my students. Although it's technically the end of another year, I'm only half way through this year of mine. At 28 years old, I still operate August-to-May and my summers stand still. Every year I am sad to bid farewell to my kiddos in May, knowing that I'm sending them off to high school "prepared" for what they'll face there, and hoping that I've somehow made a difference in their lives. And I welcome a new group of 8th graders every August (albeit with a little hesitation & anxiety), excited to see what I'll learn from this group. And year after year I'm reminded that no matter how enticing the offer may be, I'd never want to relive my jr. high years! I see 14 year old boys and think to myself "One day my Javi will have to put up with guys like this... or worse yet, he'll BE one!" But I wouldn't trade my days for anything, and I can honestly say that 9 times out of 10, I'm truly excited to go to work. =)
I know too that I've grown spiritually this year. 2009 has brought me face-to-face with a form of "persecution" that I've rarely had to face in my life. Ever since I've walked seriously with the Lord, and been aware that His will & the will of the world often clash, He has blessed me with friends who are also believers. My social life has rarely been affected by the fact that I follow Jesus. I always had others around who made similar lifestyle choices and so I always had people to hang out with. In the 7 months since becoming a "pastor's wife" my social life has taken a serious nosedive! While the people at our new church are so loving & welcoming, I don't really "fit" anywhere in the social spectrum. This has been tough, and has tried me more than I often care to admit. But I know that I am blessed to have a wonderful family... I also have the most fabulous girlfriends anyone could ask for (I just wish they lived closer!!)
So... so long 2009. I'm ready for 2010. What will you bring? No doubt you will bring love & sorrow, joy & pain, sunshine & rain (my heart just broke into song! LOL). You will bring my high school class reunion (but oh my, that's another post entirely!). Another baby? Maybe... An ever-growing little boy; and hopefully another 365 days to live out my life and love for those around me, and to become a little more like Jesus.
Happy New Year!
2009 has been a pretty great year for us. Javik has grown so much in the last month I can't even begin to recount how he's changed in the last year. He has quickly become a little boy, right under my nose! I read a book once where a mother said that if she could go back in time and do any one thing she would most like to relive her children's "lasts." Time passes so quickly, and is lived so day-to-day, that we often miss the lasts of life :: the last bottle you fixed, the last diaper you changed, the last time he scooted down the stairs rather than walked... While I know that there are many more firsts in Javik's life, he has crossed over some of those lasts. I know that one year from now, there will be countless more "lasts" to add to that list.
In the here & now, though, he is quite a guy! He loves to play outside (in any temp or weather!), he loves action movies & cartoons and fancies himself to be a Super-Mr. Incredible-Spiderman-football player! He could practically go pro in running & jumping (with both feet... at the same time...) and has recently mastered the art of "pretend." I catch him narrating his playtime through the eyes of his toys :: " 'Let's go over here,' said the elephant." " 'What's going on?' asked the Helicopter." Hearing his sweet voice never gets old and never fails to melt my heart!
He is also 2... and with that age comes serious trial and error on the part of a (usually) sweet boy & his parents! We're daily teaching about appropriate attitude & tone, and exactly who has the job of being the boss & who is the listener!
2009 also brought another job change to our lives. One year after Cole left full-time youth ministry to pursue evangelism, God lead us to a small church 0.1 mile from our new home, who was (surprise!) seeking a pastor! After much prayer and many many Sunday visits, Cole accepted a position as full-time pastor of Perche Baptist Church. His role as pastor there is so unlike the ministry positions he's had in the past, and the small church atmosphere has definitely taken some getting used to! But our new church family has been so loving to us and made us feel like part of the family right from the start! Yet again, I am reminded of how truly blessed we are to know & serve such a mighty, loving God!
While I haven't had any major changes in my career over the last year, life in the 8th grade is never without excitement. =) I continue to teach math at the middle school in my hometown. I love my co-workers & my students. Although it's technically the end of another year, I'm only half way through this year of mine. At 28 years old, I still operate August-to-May and my summers stand still. Every year I am sad to bid farewell to my kiddos in May, knowing that I'm sending them off to high school "prepared" for what they'll face there, and hoping that I've somehow made a difference in their lives. And I welcome a new group of 8th graders every August (albeit with a little hesitation & anxiety), excited to see what I'll learn from this group. And year after year I'm reminded that no matter how enticing the offer may be, I'd never want to relive my jr. high years! I see 14 year old boys and think to myself "One day my Javi will have to put up with guys like this... or worse yet, he'll BE one!" But I wouldn't trade my days for anything, and I can honestly say that 9 times out of 10, I'm truly excited to go to work. =)
I know too that I've grown spiritually this year. 2009 has brought me face-to-face with a form of "persecution" that I've rarely had to face in my life. Ever since I've walked seriously with the Lord, and been aware that His will & the will of the world often clash, He has blessed me with friends who are also believers. My social life has rarely been affected by the fact that I follow Jesus. I always had others around who made similar lifestyle choices and so I always had people to hang out with. In the 7 months since becoming a "pastor's wife" my social life has taken a serious nosedive! While the people at our new church are so loving & welcoming, I don't really "fit" anywhere in the social spectrum. This has been tough, and has tried me more than I often care to admit. But I know that I am blessed to have a wonderful family... I also have the most fabulous girlfriends anyone could ask for (I just wish they lived closer!!)
So... so long 2009. I'm ready for 2010. What will you bring? No doubt you will bring love & sorrow, joy & pain, sunshine & rain (my heart just broke into song! LOL). You will bring my high school class reunion (but oh my, that's another post entirely!). Another baby? Maybe... An ever-growing little boy; and hopefully another 365 days to live out my life and love for those around me, and to become a little more like Jesus.
Happy New Year!
9.08.2009
Teacher-in-Chief?
Today was another historic, yet controversial, day at the junction of politics and public education. President Obama delivered a speech to the nation's students about responsibility and staying in school. My school opted out of taking part.
While I agree with the stance of my administration, that requiring the speech to be viewed could have created unnecessary controversy in our students' school day... I also think that his message was important and it's kind of cool for the leader of the free world to take time out to encourage our students to do well in school.
My primary concern about viewing the speech during our school day was lack of previewing... I never show anything in my classroom that I haven't previewed. Even if its a video I've seen 100 times, I watch it again through the eyes of a cautious educator. I wasn't given this option with the President's speech. Nor was my Principal or Superintendent.
Regardless of my opinion of President Obama's administration or political idealogies, I believe that truth is truth. And I believe that all truth comes from our Father above. Jesus said that He is Truth! So any truth spoken, no matter the source, I believe is from Him. That said, a lot of what the President shared with students today was true. That hard work pays off, that nothing comes to any of us freely, and that their education is theirs to take responsibility for and to own. Those are messages that I frequently deliver to my own students in my classroom!
Yet, in this land of the free and home of the brave, I don't want to be told I have to do something anymore than I want to be told I can't. I've heard alot today, from both liberals & conservatives, about whether is was right or wrong for schools to show or not show the Presiden't message.
I agree with the message. But I don't agree that all schools should have been required to view it. In this day & age of the internet and students' access to things on a global level, there's just no need to require a mass viewing in our public schools. One such commentor made this statement "so should our students never be exposed to a State-of-the-Union address either..." Of course they should, we all should. But we all have the ability to turn the channel or turn it off. When students are in school, their time is not their own. Their hours are dictated by those in charge... and when it is mandated that their time be spent watching a message (albeit a decent message) from a President that they may or may not agree with, it sends a message that shouts far louder than that coming from the President.
Put it on a podcast. Post it on YouTube. Email a direct link to every school district in the country. But please don't tell me, a teacher who is already overwhelmed with the amount of curriculum I have to cover in 9 short months, that I can't view something... or that I have to.
While I agree with the stance of my administration, that requiring the speech to be viewed could have created unnecessary controversy in our students' school day... I also think that his message was important and it's kind of cool for the leader of the free world to take time out to encourage our students to do well in school.
My primary concern about viewing the speech during our school day was lack of previewing... I never show anything in my classroom that I haven't previewed. Even if its a video I've seen 100 times, I watch it again through the eyes of a cautious educator. I wasn't given this option with the President's speech. Nor was my Principal or Superintendent.
Regardless of my opinion of President Obama's administration or political idealogies, I believe that truth is truth. And I believe that all truth comes from our Father above. Jesus said that He is Truth! So any truth spoken, no matter the source, I believe is from Him. That said, a lot of what the President shared with students today was true. That hard work pays off, that nothing comes to any of us freely, and that their education is theirs to take responsibility for and to own. Those are messages that I frequently deliver to my own students in my classroom!
Yet, in this land of the free and home of the brave, I don't want to be told I have to do something anymore than I want to be told I can't. I've heard alot today, from both liberals & conservatives, about whether is was right or wrong for schools to show or not show the Presiden't message.
I agree with the message. But I don't agree that all schools should have been required to view it. In this day & age of the internet and students' access to things on a global level, there's just no need to require a mass viewing in our public schools. One such commentor made this statement "so should our students never be exposed to a State-of-the-Union address either..." Of course they should, we all should. But we all have the ability to turn the channel or turn it off. When students are in school, their time is not their own. Their hours are dictated by those in charge... and when it is mandated that their time be spent watching a message (albeit a decent message) from a President that they may or may not agree with, it sends a message that shouts far louder than that coming from the President.
Put it on a podcast. Post it on YouTube. Email a direct link to every school district in the country. But please don't tell me, a teacher who is already overwhelmed with the amount of curriculum I have to cover in 9 short months, that I can't view something... or that I have to.
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