It's HOT. But it's summertime, so I actually expect it to be that way. And you will never hear me complain about the heat because 1) I don't have to actually do anything in the heat except float in my pool, and 2) I wait all year for it to get hot because I. despise. winter!
So today, Z & I were running some errands for Cole, who was at work at our very hot, no AC business.
Zailey said, "Daddy is so lucky! He gets to have one of those giant Gatorades every single day!"
I said, "Well yes... but Daddy also has to work all day in the super hot warehouse."
"Yes, mom, I know that. But that's not the story we're telling right now."
Whoa.
At first, I was a little taken back by what I perceived as sass.
But then I thought about how deep her little words really were.
You see, I didn't want her precious, naive, 6-year-old perspective to miss the big picture that her daddy works very hard for her, in summertime HOT and wintertime COLD... I didn't want her to selfishly focus on others' "haves" and her "have-nots."
But as I thought about it I realized that her perspective was actually so much more broad than mine. "That's not the story we're telling right now."
In her own little way she was reminding me that life is what you make it. You see what you choose to focus on.
There are good parts and bad parts of every single day. Now I know that there are actual tragedies and illnesses and terrible circumstances that sometimes (hopefully temporarily) cloud our vision. I'm not talking about those. Those are different. I'm talking about the ins & outs of every day.
The alarm clock goes off - I'm awake and able to get up again today! vs Ugh, I have to get up again.
Time to make dinner - I have food to feed my family! vs Why do these people want to eat all the time?
Cole has Gatorades in the fridge - He gets a Gatorade every day! vs He works in an un-AC shop all day.
You get the idea...
Some would call it "looking at the bright side." Others might call it "seeing God's blessings" in everyday life. Both are good ways to think about it. I'm going to start calling it "the story I'm telling." If you choose to see the negative, you'll tell the negative story. But if you choose to see positive, you'll tell that story instead.
And we're all telling a story... to our spouses & kids, to our co-workers, our neighbors, family & friends, the lady at the bank drive-up or the kid working the drive-thru window. They're all hearing our story.
So, what story are you telling?
7.13.2018
5.31.2018
Building Walls
This past Sunday Cole preached about what it looks like to take the first step toward doing what we're called to do. As a part of his sermon, he challenged us to read through the account of Nehemiah, and his work in rebuilding the wall of Jerusalem. As I was reading through Nehemiah this morning, the Lord brought a few things to my attention. And I don't want to forget them.
Nehemiah was a cupbearer for the king. He wasn't a foreman or a construction guru...he didn't have years of experience leading large groups of people... he wasn't in a position of prestige and power. He was a cupbearer. He was the first to taste the wine for the king to see if it had been poisoned. Yet He was willing to go to his homeland and rebuild the wall.
When he got to Jerusalem, he began recruiting others to join him in the work. The ones who got to work with him were priests (v3), goldsmiths and perfumemakers (v8). They weren't professionally trained for the work that the Lord called them to do. But they were faithful. They didn't have to know how to build the whole wall. They just worked on their own section. Faithfully.
Scripture also says that many of the families worked on the gates "opposite his house," "in front of their house," and "beside his house." They worked as fathers and sons, families, or "with the help of his daughters." They were in their own neighborhoods, working as families! They didn't travel to the other side of the city to work. They didn't have to find a team of people who knew what they were doing. They worked near their own homes and with their own people.
I think this speaks volumes about the work that God calls us to do in our own lives. The ministry we're called to may or may not have anything to do with what we think we're trained to do. It might just be work that needs to be done. It's also probably closer to home than we think.
There are some people who are called to do great big things, travelling to far away lands telling the masses about the Good News of the gospel. But for most of us, our ministry is at home. In our own cities, in our own neighborhoods, working alongside our own families. Our work is probably not glamorous, and we probably aren't going to get rich & famous for it.
Name a builder of the Wall of Jerusalem. Go ahead... I'll wait.
You can't do it.
They didn't get rich or famous. Except that their names & stories are recorded in scripture, and they're so famous in HIS story.
And that's what it's actually all about. Making His name great and making His work famous.
You know what else I noticed? Their work wasn't easy-peasy. They had opposition and enemies and naysayers. People questioned whether or not they were capable. Or if they were working for their own impure motives. But they knew the truth, that their work was of the Lord. And so they were faithful.
But even in knowing that the Lord was with them and that He would give them success, they still carried weapons while they worked and they appointed some of the workers to take turns being guards. They weren't careless or naive about the dangers that their enemies presented. And we shouldn't be either. Even when we are doing the work that the Lord has called us to do, and we know that full-well, we still should be vigilant and careful to protect that work. Be armed, maybe physically... definitely spiritually. And when danger presents itself, keep working! "Those who carried materials did their work with one hand and held a weapon in the other, and each of the builders wore his sword at his side as he worked." (4:17)
We are not promised easy conditions or wide open doors into the promised land! In fact, I believe that if the work is worth it (and any work of the Lord always is), there will be opposition. There will be those who are threatened by it, and those who say we can't or shouldn't keep going. #balderdash!
"Don't be afraid of them! Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes." (v14) And so the wall was completed in 52 days.
Great things can be done when 1) we are faithful to do the work that the Lord is calling us to do; 2) we rally together with those around us, our families & our neighbors, and do our part; and 3) we don't worry ourselves with the business of the whole wall, but we faithfully work on our part, doing what we can do.
Lord, help me be faithful to do my part in Moberly, Missouri. Show me how to gather my family, my children, around me to put our hands & feet to work for You. Show us which part of the "wall" is ours to build, and which parts are for others to be concerned with. Most of all, Lord, let us remember You, You who are great and awesome and faithful to do what You say You will do!
Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin. Zech 4:10
Nehemiah was a cupbearer for the king. He wasn't a foreman or a construction guru...he didn't have years of experience leading large groups of people... he wasn't in a position of prestige and power. He was a cupbearer. He was the first to taste the wine for the king to see if it had been poisoned. Yet He was willing to go to his homeland and rebuild the wall.
When he got to Jerusalem, he began recruiting others to join him in the work. The ones who got to work with him were priests (v3), goldsmiths and perfumemakers (v8). They weren't professionally trained for the work that the Lord called them to do. But they were faithful. They didn't have to know how to build the whole wall. They just worked on their own section. Faithfully.
Scripture also says that many of the families worked on the gates "opposite his house," "in front of their house," and "beside his house." They worked as fathers and sons, families, or "with the help of his daughters." They were in their own neighborhoods, working as families! They didn't travel to the other side of the city to work. They didn't have to find a team of people who knew what they were doing. They worked near their own homes and with their own people.
I think this speaks volumes about the work that God calls us to do in our own lives. The ministry we're called to may or may not have anything to do with what we think we're trained to do. It might just be work that needs to be done. It's also probably closer to home than we think.
There are some people who are called to do great big things, travelling to far away lands telling the masses about the Good News of the gospel. But for most of us, our ministry is at home. In our own cities, in our own neighborhoods, working alongside our own families. Our work is probably not glamorous, and we probably aren't going to get rich & famous for it.
Name a builder of the Wall of Jerusalem. Go ahead... I'll wait.
You can't do it.
They didn't get rich or famous. Except that their names & stories are recorded in scripture, and they're so famous in HIS story.
And that's what it's actually all about. Making His name great and making His work famous.
You know what else I noticed? Their work wasn't easy-peasy. They had opposition and enemies and naysayers. People questioned whether or not they were capable. Or if they were working for their own impure motives. But they knew the truth, that their work was of the Lord. And so they were faithful.
But even in knowing that the Lord was with them and that He would give them success, they still carried weapons while they worked and they appointed some of the workers to take turns being guards. They weren't careless or naive about the dangers that their enemies presented. And we shouldn't be either. Even when we are doing the work that the Lord has called us to do, and we know that full-well, we still should be vigilant and careful to protect that work. Be armed, maybe physically... definitely spiritually. And when danger presents itself, keep working! "Those who carried materials did their work with one hand and held a weapon in the other, and each of the builders wore his sword at his side as he worked." (4:17)
We are not promised easy conditions or wide open doors into the promised land! In fact, I believe that if the work is worth it (and any work of the Lord always is), there will be opposition. There will be those who are threatened by it, and those who say we can't or shouldn't keep going. #balderdash!
"Don't be afraid of them! Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your families, your sons and your daughters, your wives and your homes." (v14) And so the wall was completed in 52 days.
Great things can be done when 1) we are faithful to do the work that the Lord is calling us to do; 2) we rally together with those around us, our families & our neighbors, and do our part; and 3) we don't worry ourselves with the business of the whole wall, but we faithfully work on our part, doing what we can do.
Lord, help me be faithful to do my part in Moberly, Missouri. Show me how to gather my family, my children, around me to put our hands & feet to work for You. Show us which part of the "wall" is ours to build, and which parts are for others to be concerned with. Most of all, Lord, let us remember You, You who are great and awesome and faithful to do what You say You will do!
Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin. Zech 4:10
1.02.2018
2017... The Comfort Zone
Apparently this blog has become an annual Year-End-Review. I honestly mean to post more than once a year, it just doesn't happen. Things are busy.
Judgement. Eyes. Off Me.
Two Thousand Seventeen. I'm having a hard time processing all the things that means:
1. Cole & I have been together for TWENTY years. I feel like I'm barely 20 years old...
2. My firstborn baby is a decade old. What?
3. I graduated high school 17 years ago. I seem to recall only being slightly older than that when I graduated, so...
4. My baby child started Kindergarten. Rude.
5. After 3 years, Moberly has become home. We are Spartans... and we love it!
This year finally felt settled. Nothing particularly new or exciting, different or challenging, and you all know how I love that.
Judgement. Eyes. Off Me.
Two Thousand Seventeen. I'm having a hard time processing all the things that means:
1. Cole & I have been together for TWENTY years. I feel like I'm barely 20 years old...
2. My firstborn baby is a decade old. What?
3. I graduated high school 17 years ago. I seem to recall only being slightly older than that when I graduated, so...
4. My baby child started Kindergarten. Rude.
5. After 3 years, Moberly has become home. We are Spartans... and we love it!
This year finally felt settled. Nothing particularly new or exciting, different or challenging, and you all know how I love that.
- I finished my first year teaching at MMS and started my second. I found another workplace that feels like home and have coworkers that feel like family. And I've confirmed that kids are kids, and middle schoolers are crazy, no matter where you live.
- We wrapped up our (almost) third year as small business owners. Cole figured out how to run the shop without me; and he does the business of a small army with just 2 guys. He's amazing like that! And for 5 months he took on the challenge of not only running a business, but also operating a Daddy Daycare... and made it look easy peasy.
- Javik started his last year of school before middle school! He's loving 5th grade. He's a genius of course, doing math at an almost high school level and reading college-level texts. He amazes me with his ability to learn and remember everything... selectively of course. Somehow remembering to put his laundry in the hamper that is 3 feet from his room is still a challenge some days. 😉
- Zailey Belle started Kindergarten! The first half of her year was spent at "Nolan Belle Motors Pre-School" with Cole. She learned so much she probably could have skipped Kindergarten! But alas... she marched right into that school like she knew what she was doing. In her first semester she has gotten all great marks, great behavior reports, and was given the Character Award for kindness by her teacher & principal. #proudmomalert AND, she's a reader! #gamechanger
So basically, just life as usual. Both kids played soccer and I think Javik finally found a sport that he loves! He's become a great Defender and is even thinking of trying to get on the local travelling team. Zailey has great plans for this coming year including gymnastics, softball, soccer, and piano. She clearly doesn't understand how busy works.
Oh! And in September we doubled the size of our household when our great friends moved to Moberly to jump into church planting with us, and they moved in to our house while they're looking for the perfect home in the Magic City! If you've read any of my other posts (I'm looking at you, Mom...) you'll remember that I've been praying for a "tribe". Low and behold, God moved a tribe member right into my house for me. #Heanswersmyprayersveryspecifically
People keep asking me how it's going... I think they assume it must be chaos. I'm sure there are a lot of people that I could NOT live with, and God knows that! Praise Jesus that the Vandalls are not those people! We're all pretty laid back and it just works! In fact, I feel like we got the better deal out of it! It's basically getting to hang out with your good friends 24/7, plus my kids got 2 extra parents & a big brother and sister! We could not be more excited about doing life with them, and while we'll be excited for them when they find a house nearby 😉😉, we'll actually be really sad when they move out.
People keep asking me how it's going... I think they assume it must be chaos. I'm sure there are a lot of people that I could NOT live with, and God knows that! Praise Jesus that the Vandalls are not those people! We're all pretty laid back and it just works! In fact, I feel like we got the better deal out of it! It's basically getting to hang out with your good friends 24/7, plus my kids got 2 extra parents & a big brother and sister! We could not be more excited about doing life with them, and while we'll be excited for them when they find a house nearby 😉😉, we'll actually be really sad when they move out.
So 2018...
The biggest thing on the horizon for us is the launch of Redeemer Church Moberly! We've prayed for a long time about how this new church plant would look. It has been very clear for the past few years that the Lord was telling us to wait. Waiting for what, we weren't sure. But we have known that this church is HIS church, and if any success will be to HIS glory, then the timing would have to be HIS as well.
Cole's heart all along has been to do ministry for free. Having been on staff at a church since he was 17, the last 3 years have shown us the freedom that comes with doing ministry just because you want to serve the Lord, and not because you're dependent on a church's paycheck. So... to do ministry for free means that you have to also work somewhere else. Because life takes money. We certainly cannot be those "off the grid" type people. I don't even like camping.
So clearly Nolan Belle Motors has to keep paying the bills if this is going to work. And as I mentioned earlier, Cole's pretty much maxed out there. So our prayers have been that God would send us people... ministers of the gospel... other Jesus-lovers who would come alongside us and join us in this work. And guess what? He totally did! Without us (or them) even realizing it, He was preparing the hearts of His followers to begin this new thing in Moberly. He has used this Core Team to breathe life into this church and we are so humbled / excited / eager / scared / ready! We are anxious to see this church full of people who love Jesus, and are believing God that He can and will use Redeemer Church to redeem this sweet city.
As for the rest of our time, we're certainly not going to be bored. We'll be working and playing, the kids' teams and clubs, a family vacay to NYC... maybe even a trip to the beach if I can convince the Mister.
This year I want to be a vessel. I want to work on some renovation to my temple, if you know what I mean. I want to devote my heart to His word and be more faithful to spend time in it at the beginning of each day. I want to be present each day with my sweet family. I want to look at my phone less and read more. I want to learn something new and do something I've never done before. I want to make new friends and keep in touch with old ones.
I want a lot of things. I know it's presumptuous that I would get any of them accomplished, but new years always give me a sense of hope! So here's to this new year! I have great expectations for what 2018 will bring!
CH out.
CH out.
8.27.2017
Friendship is a weird thing.
When we moved to Moberly my Javinator was a little nervous about being the "new kid." He started school here in a "funnel" year... a year when students from multiple schools all combine together in a new building. I tried to assure him that this was a good thing, "everyone is 'new'." And it was a good thing.
But it was a difficult thing too. Because there were so many "new" people to get to know, kids naturally found other kids they already knew. And because half of his grade was "new" to the other half, everyone assumed that he was one of the "others." I don't know him... he must be from _____ school.
It was a blessing and a curse.
He's acclimated just fine.
During that first year in the Magic City, I tried to coach him on how to make new friends. Personally, I've always felt like I thrive in social situations. Even among new people. I'm comfortable, I'm confident, I can just be myself and get to know others. I tried to encourage Javik to do the same. He's a great kid! He's funny, smart, kind... if he would just be himself, others would see those qualities in him too and he'd have new friends in no time.
Then, the following year, I was new. And it was his turn to coach me. He gave me the same advice I had given him. "Be yourself, mom! Your new coworkers will see how great you are and you'll have new friends in no time!" Bless him.
I feel like it went pretty well. As a direct answer to my prayer that MMS would feel like home right away, God allowed me to have administrators, a team and a grade level that instantly felt like "my people." What a privilege! Turns out, the "skills" I learned in my decade and a half as a minister's wife came in handy. I remember names & details that make me personable. #itsnotbraggingifitstrue
My next prayer is a little trickier. "God, send me friends." That's a pretty big request. And, if you're already my friend, don't get me wrong: I love you! I have the most dear friends a woman could ever ask for! A best friend who just gets me and loves me as I am. Three girlfriends who have been my people for actual decades, who just speak every bit of my language. Friends who bring joy to my soul and provide great, Godly council when I need it, as well as room for me to relax and hang out when I need that too.
But most of them don't live in Moberly. <insert sad face, pity-party here>
They live 30 minutes away. An hour, or two, away. I'm thankful that they live close enough for me to see them every once in awhile. But they're not close enough to be my tribe.
My prayers are for a tribe.
"Tribe" = Fellow Magic City women who can pick up my kid from school randomly if I need her to... who will let me do my laundry at her house when my dryer breaks... who will meet up with me on a whim on a random Tuesday night while my kids are at soccer & drink cappucino and vent about the day.
That defines a "tribe" to me. That's what I long for. Is this too much to ask? Does this exist in real life or is it something I've seen in movies & on TV and want re-created in my own life? Do you have this? And if so, is your tribe accepting new members?
There are a few of those women whom I have met, some whose kids are alongside my kids in school or soccer or church. I want to be friends with them. I want to invite them to be my tribe... or perhaps, have them invite me to be part of theirs!?!
But I don't know how.
I don't know how to really make new friends. I'm great at meeting new people. I'm great at being friendly with new people. But to really be friends. "I don't know what to do with my hands"... or my self. I lived my whole life in the same house in the same town. I played sports and went to church with the same girls from pre-school through high school. I went to college with my boyfriend. I went back to my hometown for my first five years of married adult life. I taught most of my career in the same building where I went to middle school. Herego... I'm only two years into this new found un-comfort zone! And as I've been praying about this lately, because lately it's really something that my little heart is longing for... I'm wondering how well I'm living this out by example for my kids. I spent a whole school year encouraging Javik & coaching him in something that, as it turns out, I don't really know how to do!
It's hard to put yourself out there! What if they don't like me? What if they act like they like me, but they don't really? What if they do like me, and I think we're friends, but they really just keep defaulting back to their other friends over me?
Am I a middle school girl?! Does this ever end?
Is it acceptable to just walk up to another mom and invite her to be my friend? Should I bring snacks to win her affection? Should I just sit down beside her and pretend like we're already friends? Maybe she'll think we already are.
I'm in uncharted territory.... so if I walk up to you and just pretend like we have an ongoing deep friendship, just go with it. I'm trying out some new strategies!
But it was a difficult thing too. Because there were so many "new" people to get to know, kids naturally found other kids they already knew. And because half of his grade was "new" to the other half, everyone assumed that he was one of the "others." I don't know him... he must be from _____ school.
It was a blessing and a curse.
He's acclimated just fine.
During that first year in the Magic City, I tried to coach him on how to make new friends. Personally, I've always felt like I thrive in social situations. Even among new people. I'm comfortable, I'm confident, I can just be myself and get to know others. I tried to encourage Javik to do the same. He's a great kid! He's funny, smart, kind... if he would just be himself, others would see those qualities in him too and he'd have new friends in no time.
Then, the following year, I was new. And it was his turn to coach me. He gave me the same advice I had given him. "Be yourself, mom! Your new coworkers will see how great you are and you'll have new friends in no time!" Bless him.
I feel like it went pretty well. As a direct answer to my prayer that MMS would feel like home right away, God allowed me to have administrators, a team and a grade level that instantly felt like "my people." What a privilege! Turns out, the "skills" I learned in my decade and a half as a minister's wife came in handy. I remember names & details that make me personable. #itsnotbraggingifitstrue
My next prayer is a little trickier. "God, send me friends." That's a pretty big request. And, if you're already my friend, don't get me wrong: I love you! I have the most dear friends a woman could ever ask for! A best friend who just gets me and loves me as I am. Three girlfriends who have been my people for actual decades, who just speak every bit of my language. Friends who bring joy to my soul and provide great, Godly council when I need it, as well as room for me to relax and hang out when I need that too.
But most of them don't live in Moberly. <insert sad face, pity-party here>
They live 30 minutes away. An hour, or two, away. I'm thankful that they live close enough for me to see them every once in awhile. But they're not close enough to be my tribe.
My prayers are for a tribe.
"Tribe" = Fellow Magic City women who can pick up my kid from school randomly if I need her to... who will let me do my laundry at her house when my dryer breaks... who will meet up with me on a whim on a random Tuesday night while my kids are at soccer & drink cappucino and vent about the day.
That defines a "tribe" to me. That's what I long for. Is this too much to ask? Does this exist in real life or is it something I've seen in movies & on TV and want re-created in my own life? Do you have this? And if so, is your tribe accepting new members?
There are a few of those women whom I have met, some whose kids are alongside my kids in school or soccer or church. I want to be friends with them. I want to invite them to be my tribe... or perhaps, have them invite me to be part of theirs!?!
But I don't know how.
I don't know how to really make new friends. I'm great at meeting new people. I'm great at being friendly with new people. But to really be friends. "I don't know what to do with my hands"... or my self. I lived my whole life in the same house in the same town. I played sports and went to church with the same girls from pre-school through high school. I went to college with my boyfriend. I went back to my hometown for my first five years of married adult life. I taught most of my career in the same building where I went to middle school. Herego... I'm only two years into this new found un-comfort zone! And as I've been praying about this lately, because lately it's really something that my little heart is longing for... I'm wondering how well I'm living this out by example for my kids. I spent a whole school year encouraging Javik & coaching him in something that, as it turns out, I don't really know how to do!
It's hard to put yourself out there! What if they don't like me? What if they act like they like me, but they don't really? What if they do like me, and I think we're friends, but they really just keep defaulting back to their other friends over me?
Am I a middle school girl?! Does this ever end?
Is it acceptable to just walk up to another mom and invite her to be my friend? Should I bring snacks to win her affection? Should I just sit down beside her and pretend like we're already friends? Maybe she'll think we already are.
I'm in uncharted territory.... so if I walk up to you and just pretend like we have an ongoing deep friendship, just go with it. I'm trying out some new strategies!
1.08.2017
A Whole Year Went By...?!
You know that feeling when you've been out of town for several days or weeks, finally to return home and just...AAAAHHHHHH. You know the feeling? That's my 2016 wrap up.
AAAAHHHHHH.
I'm finally home.
It took me awhile to get here. Like a-two years-while. The calm after the storm. The captain has turned off the seatbelt sign after your plane has landed. Home. And it's nice. Life finally feels settled. Our house is "done." I'm currently defining "done" as = livable interior and non-haunted-house exterior. Is it finished? No. But for most intents & purposes, it's good. My kids are settled. Javik is in his element at school and among his friends. He has two best buddies who both live in our same subdivision, which is fantastic. Zailey also has friends in our neighborhood and she's getting old enough to really enjoy the convenience & freedom in that. I always imagined that my household would be the place where my people gather. The house where the kids hang out. As my kids are growing up, and their friends are close by, that is true. Both kids' friends just stop by, come over unannounced, knock&walk-in all at once, help themselves to whatever is in my pantry & fridge... and I love it. Talk to me again when my son & his friends are teenagers, eating everything I own, and my story may be different. But right now, yes please! And we have great neighbors, which makes life enjoyable all around. We continue to borrow grace from them, leveraging with the fact that we've made our house look nicer on the outside, so please ignore the fact that we've increased the volume & nonsense level immensely.
Don't get me wrong... our life isn't perfect by any means. But life at home isn't ever really perfect is it? Isn't home where your real story happens? In my experience, my tribe of four can hold ourselves together for a while when we're out in public. We leave the house, and go to some public place or someone else's house, and we can appear normal - for a while. Cole & I barelyargue passionately discuss issues, my kids rarely tackle each other into an all-out brawl, I hardly ever completely lose my crap & start screaming at everyone like some sort of wild banchee. We can do this. We appear normal. For a limited amount of time. Then we have to go home. Home - where all the ugly disfunction comes out, because it's safe for it to. Where the kids can tackle each other all they want as long as nothing gets broken, and I can take out all my frustrations on things like cabinet doors & laundry folding.
All that to say, there are still some days that I'm riding shotgun on the struggle bus. Work at Nolan Belle Motors is going strong. We survived a winter with no heat and a summer with no A/C. We sold some cars and fixed some cars. And when I say "we" I mean Cole, obviously. For most of 2016 I complained about working there. Because there was no heat. And then we had to work there until 11 pm for days upon days upon days. And then there was no A/C and I wanted to be at the pool. And then I went back to work at a school. A job that I wanted and interviewed for and chose to take..... and then I felt guilty about NOT working at Nolan Belle Motors anymore. To be honest, I'm still guilty. I hate that my return to teaching means more work for Cole, longer hours for him and more stress for him. I hate it that I'm not there with Zailey this last year before she starts kindergarten. I hate that my absence means that she's not going to preschool, and that she spends most of her days with her current baby-sitters, Netflix & YouTube. But I'm also thankful for this extra daddy-daughter time that she's getting with Cole. She is learning so much from him and is already so beyond "kindergarten ready."
And, I'm a teacher again. I signed a contract and mentally prepared myself all summer long and then cried myself back to work in August. Literally cried. And continued to do so for more mornings than I care to admit to you. It felt like I had finally made a decision on my own, after so many years of complaining that my whole life was lived on the coattails of my husband - changing houses & churches & lives for his profession - and now that I had made this choice for myself by myself, I instantly regretted it. I didn't want to go back to school. I was nervous about being back in a classroom. I didn't want to meet new co-workers and learn new rules and procedures and be on someone else's schedule..... blah blah blah. #1stWorldProblems, I know. I really do like most of the people I work with... the kids and the grown-ups. I've made new friends, and learned new things. And I've remembered how really hard it is to be new. (If you'll remember, I don't have a lot of tools in my "dealing-with-hard-things" toolbox. So having not really been new very many times in life, this has been a challenge.) And now that the school year is half way over, I don't regret my choice as much. I don't cry on my way to school, as much. And I do enjoy feeling knowledgeable at work again. Unlike my job as a car dealer. ;)
We've also settled in to a local church family, which is both relieving and hard. It seems like I'm using that word a lot. We visited a lot of churches for a lot of weeks and finally settled in with a church family at North Park. And I've discovered a few things: 1) it's HARD to pick a church rather than having a church pick you. That was a new one for us. Over the years people have often asked me what they should look for in looking for a new church... and I've never known what to tell them. I've never had to choose a church. And 2) it's a lot of work to invest & involve in a new family. It sounds very egotistical to say, but it's hard to go to church as "nobody." Not in a low-self-esteem "I'm nobody special" kind of way, but in a "nobody knows us here / we are responsible for nothing here" kind of way. When you start at a new church, in a new family, as the pastor's family or even as the youth pastor's family, the whole church works really hard to make you feel included and like you belong. There is a sort of instant-belonging that happens for you. When you start at a new church as a random joe-shmoe family, a couple with 2 kids, you have to work really hard to meet people and invest in that church family and get yourself involved.
We've been going to this church for about 6 months now. We're just starting to plug in. That's my fault. My spirit is hesitant to let me invest and get attached. It's really hard to leave a family that you love. I know - we've left a few. And it's really hard to get burned by a family that you let yourself love too quickly. I know that too. So, I think it's just really hard for me to jump in and get to know them and let them get to know me. Part of that is because it's just a lot of work, and I've already done so much hard work on every other aspect of moving here that I'd just like to be lazy. (Yipes! #brutalhonesty) The other part of that is because somewhere in my head & my heart, I don't think that being a part of the NP family is forever either. I believe that we are here to "plant" a church (whatever that looks like) and so that means that when the time comes, I'll have to leave another church family. It just seems like it'll be easier to leave one that I'm not that attached to. And I know that kind of attitude is exactly the opposite of what we're called to do here for the Kingdom. What sort of hope would I have if Jesus had lived that way?! If, in his divine wisdom, knowing that his time on earth was temporary, he had just walked through life not really investing in anyone. Because the end was going to be painful, he'd just skipped the middle. The relationships and the miracles and the teachings and the sacrifice and the GOSPEL.... Oy. So I know that investing and jumping in and doing the hard work of doing life with this family is what I'm supposed to do. Bloom Where You're Planted! So that's what we're doing. For as long as we're called to do it.
So that's 2016. Twelve months of our lives. 365 days. We all turned another year older, hopefully got another year wiser, and I pray that we look more like Jesus now than we did a year ago. And I pray that we'll look more like Him a year from now than we do today. Whether that be our ministry at Nolan Belle Motors through car sales & service, or at Moberly Middle School through teaching history, or at Gratz Brown Elementary through sitting alongside fellow classmates, at North Park Elementary where my baby will begin kindergarten this year (?!).... at North Park Church as a random family of attenders, or in our sweet Meadowbrook neighborhood by being the best darn loving caring neighbors that we can be.... Lord, let us be yours.
CH out.
AAAAHHHHHH.
I'm finally home.
It took me awhile to get here. Like a-two years-while. The calm after the storm. The captain has turned off the seatbelt sign after your plane has landed. Home. And it's nice. Life finally feels settled. Our house is "done." I'm currently defining "done" as = livable interior and non-haunted-house exterior. Is it finished? No. But for most intents & purposes, it's good. My kids are settled. Javik is in his element at school and among his friends. He has two best buddies who both live in our same subdivision, which is fantastic. Zailey also has friends in our neighborhood and she's getting old enough to really enjoy the convenience & freedom in that. I always imagined that my household would be the place where my people gather. The house where the kids hang out. As my kids are growing up, and their friends are close by, that is true. Both kids' friends just stop by, come over unannounced, knock&walk-in all at once, help themselves to whatever is in my pantry & fridge... and I love it. Talk to me again when my son & his friends are teenagers, eating everything I own, and my story may be different. But right now, yes please! And we have great neighbors, which makes life enjoyable all around. We continue to borrow grace from them, leveraging with the fact that we've made our house look nicer on the outside, so please ignore the fact that we've increased the volume & nonsense level immensely.
Don't get me wrong... our life isn't perfect by any means. But life at home isn't ever really perfect is it? Isn't home where your real story happens? In my experience, my tribe of four can hold ourselves together for a while when we're out in public. We leave the house, and go to some public place or someone else's house, and we can appear normal - for a while. Cole & I barely
All that to say, there are still some days that I'm riding shotgun on the struggle bus. Work at Nolan Belle Motors is going strong. We survived a winter with no heat and a summer with no A/C. We sold some cars and fixed some cars. And when I say "we" I mean Cole, obviously. For most of 2016 I complained about working there. Because there was no heat. And then we had to work there until 11 pm for days upon days upon days. And then there was no A/C and I wanted to be at the pool. And then I went back to work at a school. A job that I wanted and interviewed for and chose to take..... and then I felt guilty about NOT working at Nolan Belle Motors anymore. To be honest, I'm still guilty. I hate that my return to teaching means more work for Cole, longer hours for him and more stress for him. I hate it that I'm not there with Zailey this last year before she starts kindergarten. I hate that my absence means that she's not going to preschool, and that she spends most of her days with her current baby-sitters, Netflix & YouTube. But I'm also thankful for this extra daddy-daughter time that she's getting with Cole. She is learning so much from him and is already so beyond "kindergarten ready."
And, I'm a teacher again. I signed a contract and mentally prepared myself all summer long and then cried myself back to work in August. Literally cried. And continued to do so for more mornings than I care to admit to you. It felt like I had finally made a decision on my own, after so many years of complaining that my whole life was lived on the coattails of my husband - changing houses & churches & lives for his profession - and now that I had made this choice for myself by myself, I instantly regretted it. I didn't want to go back to school. I was nervous about being back in a classroom. I didn't want to meet new co-workers and learn new rules and procedures and be on someone else's schedule..... blah blah blah. #1stWorldProblems, I know. I really do like most of the people I work with... the kids and the grown-ups. I've made new friends, and learned new things. And I've remembered how really hard it is to be new. (If you'll remember, I don't have a lot of tools in my "dealing-with-hard-things" toolbox. So having not really been new very many times in life, this has been a challenge.) And now that the school year is half way over, I don't regret my choice as much. I don't cry on my way to school, as much. And I do enjoy feeling knowledgeable at work again. Unlike my job as a car dealer. ;)
We've also settled in to a local church family, which is both relieving and hard. It seems like I'm using that word a lot. We visited a lot of churches for a lot of weeks and finally settled in with a church family at North Park. And I've discovered a few things: 1) it's HARD to pick a church rather than having a church pick you. That was a new one for us. Over the years people have often asked me what they should look for in looking for a new church... and I've never known what to tell them. I've never had to choose a church. And 2) it's a lot of work to invest & involve in a new family. It sounds very egotistical to say, but it's hard to go to church as "nobody." Not in a low-self-esteem "I'm nobody special" kind of way, but in a "nobody knows us here / we are responsible for nothing here" kind of way. When you start at a new church, in a new family, as the pastor's family or even as the youth pastor's family, the whole church works really hard to make you feel included and like you belong. There is a sort of instant-belonging that happens for you. When you start at a new church as a random joe-shmoe family, a couple with 2 kids, you have to work really hard to meet people and invest in that church family and get yourself involved.
We've been going to this church for about 6 months now. We're just starting to plug in. That's my fault. My spirit is hesitant to let me invest and get attached. It's really hard to leave a family that you love. I know - we've left a few. And it's really hard to get burned by a family that you let yourself love too quickly. I know that too. So, I think it's just really hard for me to jump in and get to know them and let them get to know me. Part of that is because it's just a lot of work, and I've already done so much hard work on every other aspect of moving here that I'd just like to be lazy. (Yipes! #brutalhonesty) The other part of that is because somewhere in my head & my heart, I don't think that being a part of the NP family is forever either. I believe that we are here to "plant" a church (whatever that looks like) and so that means that when the time comes, I'll have to leave another church family. It just seems like it'll be easier to leave one that I'm not that attached to. And I know that kind of attitude is exactly the opposite of what we're called to do here for the Kingdom. What sort of hope would I have if Jesus had lived that way?! If, in his divine wisdom, knowing that his time on earth was temporary, he had just walked through life not really investing in anyone. Because the end was going to be painful, he'd just skipped the middle. The relationships and the miracles and the teachings and the sacrifice and the GOSPEL.... Oy. So I know that investing and jumping in and doing the hard work of doing life with this family is what I'm supposed to do. Bloom Where You're Planted! So that's what we're doing. For as long as we're called to do it.
So that's 2016. Twelve months of our lives. 365 days. We all turned another year older, hopefully got another year wiser, and I pray that we look more like Jesus now than we did a year ago. And I pray that we'll look more like Him a year from now than we do today. Whether that be our ministry at Nolan Belle Motors through car sales & service, or at Moberly Middle School through teaching history, or at Gratz Brown Elementary through sitting alongside fellow classmates, at North Park Elementary where my baby will begin kindergarten this year (?!).... at North Park Church as a random family of attenders, or in our sweet Meadowbrook neighborhood by being the best darn loving caring neighbors that we can be.... Lord, let us be yours.
CH out.
3.23.2016
This Life Has No Reverse
My second grade teacher gave me the lead in the Dino-Dance in our class program.
The Dino-Dance. Certainly not life changing for anyone. Except me.
Her name was Peggy Tanner and she was brilliant. Not only was she a wonderful teacher, she was a wonderful human being. She made me believe that I could not fail! Even at a Dino-Dance, on a stage in front of every other 2nd grader AND an audience full of parents, family & friends.
She invested; and her investment instilled a confidence in me that I carried from that day on. I know that there were countless others in my life who nurtured that confidence too: I had other teachers & coaches who watered it and gave it light, my own parents certainly weeded it when necessary, friends and family members have helped it grow. But Mrs. Tanner sowed the seed.
She was the first of many teachers who made me want to be a teacher.
I knew from the time I was in her 2nd grade class that I wanted to do the same for some other girl (or boy). I wanted to invest in her and help her see that her own abilities far exceeded even her own imagination.
And so I did. I became a teacher.
In 11 1/2 years as a teacher I've had well over 1,000 kids in my classroom. Some of them were easier to invest in than others. Some of them were easier to like than others. Some of them amazed me with their abilities & perseverance, while some of them disappointed me with their refusal to believe in themselves or work to make their lives better. So many thoughts/feelings/emotions when I think back on all of those kids...most of whom are now grown-ups.
One of the hardest decisions I ever had to make was the decision to leave teaching. For a season. I walked away from my classroom, my students, my friends & my "home" to follow the Lord to a new mission field. The day I walked out of my classroom for the last time, my heart physically hurt.
After a year and a half of the longest "season of chaos" that my little soul has ever endured, I had the opportunity to go back home. Not to move again (heaven help me!) but to return to teaching in the building / community that I called home for so long.
I knew that this opportunity was coming. A fellow teacher was planning to retire & I knew her "spot" would be open. For nearly a year, I planned to apply for the job. In a time when my entire world felt as though it had been tipped over & dumped out, the thought of "going back" comforted my weary brain.
Fast forward to the present... the job opened & it was time to apply. Hooray! I applied & went in for an interview. I walked into it with confidence, thinking that the job could be mine. I left there feeling less sure. Not because of anything that changed in that building or with those friends, but because my life had taken a surprising turn. I no longer felt as though my world was teetering between chaos & insanity. Instead, I felt peaceful. The chaos had been replaced by contentment. It was the answer to my heart's cry, the prayer I had been lifting up for more than a year.
"Lord, help me fall in love with this new life you've given me."
And He did.
I find myself actually liking Moberly. Even loving parts of living here. I've made friends. My kids have made friends. We have amazing neighbors who love us like family. We've made connections at Javik's school, both with administrators & teachers, and with other parents.
Our business is here & all of the relationships we've worked to establish through it.
In a turn of events that I simply did not see coming, Moberly has become home.
To most people that seems like it would be obvious. Where you live should be home, right? But, you see, I lived for more than seven years a mere six miles from a community that I have zero connection to. Part of that was due to country living. Part of it was due to the demographic of our little church there. But a large part of it was due to the fact that I got up every morning, went to work & took my kids to a different community. I made a 30 minute commute to another town, planted my kids in that school district, invested in the kids & families there, every single day. Which I loved! It was my home & it suited me just fine that it could be my family's "home" too... except that it wasn't. We lived 26 miles from that "home." My kids didn't have friendships there that could actually function like real friendships. They saw their friends at school or daycare, and that was it. Any interaction for them outside of those places took a tremendous amount of effort & planning on my part with the other parents. Which I was happy to do.... while I had to.
But now. Now we live IN a community. My kids' friends live in our neighborhood. They see each other at school & then hang out in each others' homes in the evenings & on weekends. We see the same people at the store and at school and at soccer and baseball and gymnastics... These are our people. This is our town.
And it took me walking back into my "old" life to see all of that so clearly. The comfortable thought of just "going back" was gone, replaced by an anxiety about now having to split my life between two "homes," two communities.
You see, I know that teaching is so much more than what kind of lesson you present in a classroom. It is SO much more about the investment you make in your kids, in their families, and in their school. And maybe it's selfish of me, but I want to make that investment in my own kids. In their friends. In our families and in our school and in our community. I found myself still wanting all the wonderful (and difficult) parts of teaching... I just want them in my new home. As a secondary teacher, I will one day have my own kids in class. I'm looking forward to that! I want to go to my local grocery store and know those kids who work there. I want to go to sporting events and be cheering on "my" kids. I've experienced all of those things as a teacher, in a community that I travelled to and from each day. And now, if it's possible, I want to experience them where I live!
I've learned that you can't ever really "go back." This life has no reverse. It can never be the way it was because God changes us. When He changes our surroundings and our circumstances, He also changes our hearts. There are so many wonderful times in my life that I would love to go back to, to revisit:
The excitement in the early years of dating Cole and the anticipation of all that could/would be.
My high school days and the endless hours of socialization with lifelong friends.
My college days and the endless hours of doing absolutely nothing, staying up too late, and making new friends who would walk through my grown up life with me.
The days when my babies were actual babies. So sweet and soft and snuggly, and quiet.
Our sweet days as the Youth Minister's family of FBC, or the Pastor's family of Perche Baptist Church.
And yet, looking back at each of those times, I see more than that season:
I see the excitement of my early years with Cole, but I also see the beautiful 19 years since then and all that they've held. All of the time spent in prayer and tears for each other, the moves, the job changes, the babies... this LIFE we have built.
I see the fun and friendship of my high school years, but I also see the sad reality that I've lost touch with most of those who meant so much to me. Aside from Facebook, I don't really "know" them as grown-ups.
I see the stupidity and silliness of my college years, but I also see the decade & a half of real-life friendship since then. The marriages, the babies, the woes of motherhood, the pain of divorce, the praying through adoptions and infertility... LIFE.
I see the sweet baby years of Jav & Z, but I hear the late-night giggles of right now. I see the personality and the fun, the endless questions and the thoughtful minds and hearts.
I see the sweetness of our days with former church families, knowing that however frequently we get to visit them, those days are gone. Those relationships are forever altered.
Looking back is done with fondness, that's for sure. But looking at the right now, and what's even more, looking at what's ahead: that's done with excitement! Because as wonderful as the past was, even the hard parts and the pain and tears, it has made today what it is. And as fond as I am of what was, you can't ever get that back. And as much as I loved every single day of my 7+ years in a school that felt so much like home with coworkers who were more like family, I can't get those days back either.
My heart has moved from there. My life has moved from there. And I'm trusting that God will continue to give me a love for the life He has given me here. Even if it doesn't include teaching. Even if the decisions are hard and painful. I'm walking in faith, with Dino-Dance confidence in the One who knows what's ahead.
And may all of the Peggy Tanners of the world know that the seed was sown well and the investment was worth it.
The Dino-Dance. Certainly not life changing for anyone. Except me.
Her name was Peggy Tanner and she was brilliant. Not only was she a wonderful teacher, she was a wonderful human being. She made me believe that I could not fail! Even at a Dino-Dance, on a stage in front of every other 2nd grader AND an audience full of parents, family & friends.
She invested; and her investment instilled a confidence in me that I carried from that day on. I know that there were countless others in my life who nurtured that confidence too: I had other teachers & coaches who watered it and gave it light, my own parents certainly weeded it when necessary, friends and family members have helped it grow. But Mrs. Tanner sowed the seed.
She was the first of many teachers who made me want to be a teacher.
I knew from the time I was in her 2nd grade class that I wanted to do the same for some other girl (or boy). I wanted to invest in her and help her see that her own abilities far exceeded even her own imagination.
And so I did. I became a teacher.
In 11 1/2 years as a teacher I've had well over 1,000 kids in my classroom. Some of them were easier to invest in than others. Some of them were easier to like than others. Some of them amazed me with their abilities & perseverance, while some of them disappointed me with their refusal to believe in themselves or work to make their lives better. So many thoughts/feelings/emotions when I think back on all of those kids...most of whom are now grown-ups.
One of the hardest decisions I ever had to make was the decision to leave teaching. For a season. I walked away from my classroom, my students, my friends & my "home" to follow the Lord to a new mission field. The day I walked out of my classroom for the last time, my heart physically hurt.
After a year and a half of the longest "season of chaos" that my little soul has ever endured, I had the opportunity to go back home. Not to move again (heaven help me!) but to return to teaching in the building / community that I called home for so long.
I knew that this opportunity was coming. A fellow teacher was planning to retire & I knew her "spot" would be open. For nearly a year, I planned to apply for the job. In a time when my entire world felt as though it had been tipped over & dumped out, the thought of "going back" comforted my weary brain.
Fast forward to the present... the job opened & it was time to apply. Hooray! I applied & went in for an interview. I walked into it with confidence, thinking that the job could be mine. I left there feeling less sure. Not because of anything that changed in that building or with those friends, but because my life had taken a surprising turn. I no longer felt as though my world was teetering between chaos & insanity. Instead, I felt peaceful. The chaos had been replaced by contentment. It was the answer to my heart's cry, the prayer I had been lifting up for more than a year.
"Lord, help me fall in love with this new life you've given me."
And He did.
I find myself actually liking Moberly. Even loving parts of living here. I've made friends. My kids have made friends. We have amazing neighbors who love us like family. We've made connections at Javik's school, both with administrators & teachers, and with other parents.
Our business is here & all of the relationships we've worked to establish through it.
In a turn of events that I simply did not see coming, Moberly has become home.
To most people that seems like it would be obvious. Where you live should be home, right? But, you see, I lived for more than seven years a mere six miles from a community that I have zero connection to. Part of that was due to country living. Part of it was due to the demographic of our little church there. But a large part of it was due to the fact that I got up every morning, went to work & took my kids to a different community. I made a 30 minute commute to another town, planted my kids in that school district, invested in the kids & families there, every single day. Which I loved! It was my home & it suited me just fine that it could be my family's "home" too... except that it wasn't. We lived 26 miles from that "home." My kids didn't have friendships there that could actually function like real friendships. They saw their friends at school or daycare, and that was it. Any interaction for them outside of those places took a tremendous amount of effort & planning on my part with the other parents. Which I was happy to do.... while I had to.
But now. Now we live IN a community. My kids' friends live in our neighborhood. They see each other at school & then hang out in each others' homes in the evenings & on weekends. We see the same people at the store and at school and at soccer and baseball and gymnastics... These are our people. This is our town.
And it took me walking back into my "old" life to see all of that so clearly. The comfortable thought of just "going back" was gone, replaced by an anxiety about now having to split my life between two "homes," two communities.
You see, I know that teaching is so much more than what kind of lesson you present in a classroom. It is SO much more about the investment you make in your kids, in their families, and in their school. And maybe it's selfish of me, but I want to make that investment in my own kids. In their friends. In our families and in our school and in our community. I found myself still wanting all the wonderful (and difficult) parts of teaching... I just want them in my new home. As a secondary teacher, I will one day have my own kids in class. I'm looking forward to that! I want to go to my local grocery store and know those kids who work there. I want to go to sporting events and be cheering on "my" kids. I've experienced all of those things as a teacher, in a community that I travelled to and from each day. And now, if it's possible, I want to experience them where I live!
I've learned that you can't ever really "go back." This life has no reverse. It can never be the way it was because God changes us. When He changes our surroundings and our circumstances, He also changes our hearts. There are so many wonderful times in my life that I would love to go back to, to revisit:
The excitement in the early years of dating Cole and the anticipation of all that could/would be.
My high school days and the endless hours of socialization with lifelong friends.
My college days and the endless hours of doing absolutely nothing, staying up too late, and making new friends who would walk through my grown up life with me.
The days when my babies were actual babies. So sweet and soft and snuggly, and quiet.
Our sweet days as the Youth Minister's family of FBC, or the Pastor's family of Perche Baptist Church.
And yet, looking back at each of those times, I see more than that season:
I see the excitement of my early years with Cole, but I also see the beautiful 19 years since then and all that they've held. All of the time spent in prayer and tears for each other, the moves, the job changes, the babies... this LIFE we have built.
I see the fun and friendship of my high school years, but I also see the sad reality that I've lost touch with most of those who meant so much to me. Aside from Facebook, I don't really "know" them as grown-ups.
I see the stupidity and silliness of my college years, but I also see the decade & a half of real-life friendship since then. The marriages, the babies, the woes of motherhood, the pain of divorce, the praying through adoptions and infertility... LIFE.
I see the sweet baby years of Jav & Z, but I hear the late-night giggles of right now. I see the personality and the fun, the endless questions and the thoughtful minds and hearts.
I see the sweetness of our days with former church families, knowing that however frequently we get to visit them, those days are gone. Those relationships are forever altered.
Looking back is done with fondness, that's for sure. But looking at the right now, and what's even more, looking at what's ahead: that's done with excitement! Because as wonderful as the past was, even the hard parts and the pain and tears, it has made today what it is. And as fond as I am of what was, you can't ever get that back. And as much as I loved every single day of my 7+ years in a school that felt so much like home with coworkers who were more like family, I can't get those days back either.
My heart has moved from there. My life has moved from there. And I'm trusting that God will continue to give me a love for the life He has given me here. Even if it doesn't include teaching. Even if the decisions are hard and painful. I'm walking in faith, with Dino-Dance confidence in the One who knows what's ahead.
And may all of the Peggy Tanners of the world know that the seed was sown well and the investment was worth it.
12.28.2015
I did not see that coming... 2015 in Review
If I would have known all that 2015 would entail, I would have walked into it a little more hesitantly. Instead, I naively trotted right into this year with stupid anticipation. All that I thought would be, is not. And all that came to be, well, I did not see that coming.
However, knowing what I know now about the year 2015, I can't really think of much I would change.
To understand the weight of that last sentence, you have to know where my heart has been the last 12 months and the journey that God has traveled with me.
You see, 2015 began with what I thought was going to be a year of transition for my family. Moving a couple of times, new cities, new friends, new experiences. And it was. We moved a couple of times, three actually before March 1; we now live in a "new" city, just one that we've actually known for awhile; we have wonderful new friends and we've had a bajillion new experiences...
It just wasn't the move(s) I was expecting, the city that I was planning for, or the experiences that I thought I wanted. And my heart wasn't OK with that.
In the last 12 months I've been heartbroken by people that I barely knew. I've swallowed a tremendous amount of pride and said "Hello Again" to people that I thought I'd said "Goodbye" to. I have endured 12 weeks of no kitchen, no living room & a construction-zone house. I homeschooled a 2nd grader... on a mediocre level... and constantly felt guilty about the lack of education that was actually happening.
I have battled bitterness that was so strong I was convinced that I'd never see the other side of it. And here's the thing about bitterness: it's really pretty one-sided. The people that I was bitter toward had & have no idea. My bitterness has not affected them at all. But the other thing about bitterness: it creates a deep, dark hole in the heart of the one who is harboring it. My heart was so broken over the loss of a life that I never lived. And that darkness led to depression. I was so focused on what I thought I had lost, that I couldn't see what I had actually gained. That was hard for me to realize... and even harder to explain to those around me who just kept asking me "what's wrong?"
As Christians, I don't think we know enough about depression. About how to recognize it, how to cope with it, how to minister to those going through it. It's so much more than just needing to "feel better" and "be happier." But that's another post...
It took me a long time, the majority of 2015 if I'm being honest, to begin seeing all that I had gained. I have a beautiful home that is filled with our blood, sweat & tears...literally. In a wonderful neighborhood where we have made friends that are so dear to us. There are people in my life who have been my friends for years who are now a whole lot more like family. That's a gift. I spent 7 1/2 months with my husband & kids, 24/7, just the four of us. There were a lot of days when that was harder than I wanted to admit, but the truth is, those are days I'll never get back. Even after Javik started back in public school, which he loves, with a teacher we adore, I still get to spend every day with Cole & Z. Granted, starting your own business (a business that I knew NOTHING about) was much harder than I thought it would be. But I have seen a new side of our family. My husband will relentlessly provide for us. I "knew" that before... but I KNOW it without a doubt now. That is a blessing. In a world where there are too many absent husbands & fathers, my man will step up every single time. I thank God for that.
And my kids are resilient! They are far tougher at ages 4 & 8 than I would say I am at 34. They are so like their dad in the way they take things in stride, go with the flow, don't get their feathers ruffled at the unexpected. Again, a gift! Because I am quite the opposite. I don't know that I could have accurately guessed exactly how I would handle a year like 2015... a year where every plan I had was thrown to the wind and my faith in a God much greater than I was put to the test. I would have liked to guess that I would have handled it with grace, with steadfast faith & hope, with patience and forgiveness... I know now that I did not. During one particular meltdown (one of many I might add) I said to Cole, my calm in the storm, that I just didn't know how to handle all of the emotions I was feeling about life. He very genuinely asked me "Well, how have you handled hard things in the past?" ..... crickets..... I had to look at him, and confess that I haven't really had to handle hard things in the past. I believe my exact response was "Um, I don't believe I have that particular skill set."
My life has been so easy! God has so blessed my days that I naively thought that was just the way life would/should always be! Never mind that all throughout scripture we read that God uses really hard circumstances to grow faith and teach dependence on him. Clearly I could read about those other guys and get the message... or maybe not. Apparently I needed the actual storm in my life to understand what all that "My grace is sufficient" and "I am made strong in your weakness" stuff was all about. Praise God that He is so patient with me! That He is so faithful and so good and so committed to this relationship. I would have kicked my own self to the curb by now!
This year has been hard. And awesome. And crazy and wonderful and frustrating and exciting... I'm sure that most years could be described that way, but this year has been one for the books in my life.
And I'm certainly not writing this from a "whew, glad that's over" vantage point. It's not that I've completely overcome the bitterness. There are places & people & "keywords" that trigger a not-so-pretty side of me. I'm working through that. And there are still times when that darkness of depression threatens to creep in and choke out the joy in my life. I'm working on that too. The most helpful aspects are that I can be honest with Cole & my inner circle about where I am and where I want to be headed. I truly know that God is good. That He is holy and just and loves me so. I really do believe that He knows what is best and wants good for my life. I also know now that His definitions of "best" and "good" aren't always what I envisioned. And I'm learning that faith means that I trust Him still. For too many years I prayed for His will and then really tried to force it to match mine. No more. I long to be in the center of HIS will, in the center of HIS work, and I long for contentment while I'm there. I believe it will come.
I'm learning what it means to surrender, daily, my will to Him. Some days it's much harder than others, but I think that growth is hard and painful and necessary. I'm learning much about myself, about who I am when I'm in hard places. I've always said that I'm a better mom & wife when I work... and yep, that's true! I need to feel necessary and important. That's probably pride in me; I'm working on that too. I'm learning about the car dealer world. I'm learning how to see value in being behind-the-scenes, that the mundane tasks by the unskilled worker are important too.
I'm even learning to like Moberly. :) It's really a nice little town and it's feeling more and more like home for us. And I'm excited about what 2016 is going to hold for us. I'm not making lists, I'm not putting together a Hodson Family Plan... but I'm excited. Because I know that no matter what it holds, we're being held by One who can be trusted.
This song by Casting Crowns nearly brought me to my knees one day. I was driving down the road and had to pull over, just letting the words sink in to my heart & mind...
Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere and barely leaves you holding on
And when you're tired of fighting, chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender, lay it down and let it go
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
If your eyes are on the storm you'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross you'll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted, in time you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with ashes, your life is in My hands
Lift your hands, lift your eyes, in the storm is where you'll find Me
and where you are, I'll hold your heart; I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest, in the arms of the God who won't let go
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
I know that the events of my year don't even hold a candle to what some around the world have dealt with... I know those who have handled heartache in the foster system, there's a global refugee crisis, people fighting for their homes & lives, there is death and destruction and heartache all over this fallen world. And I truly know that I am blessed beyond measure to have the life that I have. I heard once that if everyone in the world put their troubles in a pile, we would all scramble to get our own back. I know that's true. In light of those problems, my "hard things" are nothing.
But I also know that God will use what He needs to in order to draw us closer to Him. This hard season was what I needed (anything more severe would have very likely crushed me!) And now I am prepared to face the next hard thing, whenever it comes. And I will lean on my Savior, and I will depend on those He has placed in my life who hold me up, and I will live a life that I pray glorifies Him!
Happy 2016. I'm giving this one to Jesus.
However, knowing what I know now about the year 2015, I can't really think of much I would change.
To understand the weight of that last sentence, you have to know where my heart has been the last 12 months and the journey that God has traveled with me.
You see, 2015 began with what I thought was going to be a year of transition for my family. Moving a couple of times, new cities, new friends, new experiences. And it was. We moved a couple of times, three actually before March 1; we now live in a "new" city, just one that we've actually known for awhile; we have wonderful new friends and we've had a bajillion new experiences...
It just wasn't the move(s) I was expecting, the city that I was planning for, or the experiences that I thought I wanted. And my heart wasn't OK with that.
In the last 12 months I've been heartbroken by people that I barely knew. I've swallowed a tremendous amount of pride and said "Hello Again" to people that I thought I'd said "Goodbye" to. I have endured 12 weeks of no kitchen, no living room & a construction-zone house. I homeschooled a 2nd grader... on a mediocre level... and constantly felt guilty about the lack of education that was actually happening.
I have battled bitterness that was so strong I was convinced that I'd never see the other side of it. And here's the thing about bitterness: it's really pretty one-sided. The people that I was bitter toward had & have no idea. My bitterness has not affected them at all. But the other thing about bitterness: it creates a deep, dark hole in the heart of the one who is harboring it. My heart was so broken over the loss of a life that I never lived. And that darkness led to depression. I was so focused on what I thought I had lost, that I couldn't see what I had actually gained. That was hard for me to realize... and even harder to explain to those around me who just kept asking me "what's wrong?"
As Christians, I don't think we know enough about depression. About how to recognize it, how to cope with it, how to minister to those going through it. It's so much more than just needing to "feel better" and "be happier." But that's another post...
It took me a long time, the majority of 2015 if I'm being honest, to begin seeing all that I had gained. I have a beautiful home that is filled with our blood, sweat & tears...literally. In a wonderful neighborhood where we have made friends that are so dear to us. There are people in my life who have been my friends for years who are now a whole lot more like family. That's a gift. I spent 7 1/2 months with my husband & kids, 24/7, just the four of us. There were a lot of days when that was harder than I wanted to admit, but the truth is, those are days I'll never get back. Even after Javik started back in public school, which he loves, with a teacher we adore, I still get to spend every day with Cole & Z. Granted, starting your own business (a business that I knew NOTHING about) was much harder than I thought it would be. But I have seen a new side of our family. My husband will relentlessly provide for us. I "knew" that before... but I KNOW it without a doubt now. That is a blessing. In a world where there are too many absent husbands & fathers, my man will step up every single time. I thank God for that.
And my kids are resilient! They are far tougher at ages 4 & 8 than I would say I am at 34. They are so like their dad in the way they take things in stride, go with the flow, don't get their feathers ruffled at the unexpected. Again, a gift! Because I am quite the opposite. I don't know that I could have accurately guessed exactly how I would handle a year like 2015... a year where every plan I had was thrown to the wind and my faith in a God much greater than I was put to the test. I would have liked to guess that I would have handled it with grace, with steadfast faith & hope, with patience and forgiveness... I know now that I did not. During one particular meltdown (one of many I might add) I said to Cole, my calm in the storm, that I just didn't know how to handle all of the emotions I was feeling about life. He very genuinely asked me "Well, how have you handled hard things in the past?" ..... crickets..... I had to look at him, and confess that I haven't really had to handle hard things in the past. I believe my exact response was "Um, I don't believe I have that particular skill set."
My life has been so easy! God has so blessed my days that I naively thought that was just the way life would/should always be! Never mind that all throughout scripture we read that God uses really hard circumstances to grow faith and teach dependence on him. Clearly I could read about those other guys and get the message... or maybe not. Apparently I needed the actual storm in my life to understand what all that "My grace is sufficient" and "I am made strong in your weakness" stuff was all about. Praise God that He is so patient with me! That He is so faithful and so good and so committed to this relationship. I would have kicked my own self to the curb by now!
This year has been hard. And awesome. And crazy and wonderful and frustrating and exciting... I'm sure that most years could be described that way, but this year has been one for the books in my life.
And I'm certainly not writing this from a "whew, glad that's over" vantage point. It's not that I've completely overcome the bitterness. There are places & people & "keywords" that trigger a not-so-pretty side of me. I'm working through that. And there are still times when that darkness of depression threatens to creep in and choke out the joy in my life. I'm working on that too. The most helpful aspects are that I can be honest with Cole & my inner circle about where I am and where I want to be headed. I truly know that God is good. That He is holy and just and loves me so. I really do believe that He knows what is best and wants good for my life. I also know now that His definitions of "best" and "good" aren't always what I envisioned. And I'm learning that faith means that I trust Him still. For too many years I prayed for His will and then really tried to force it to match mine. No more. I long to be in the center of HIS will, in the center of HIS work, and I long for contentment while I'm there. I believe it will come.
I'm learning what it means to surrender, daily, my will to Him. Some days it's much harder than others, but I think that growth is hard and painful and necessary. I'm learning much about myself, about who I am when I'm in hard places. I've always said that I'm a better mom & wife when I work... and yep, that's true! I need to feel necessary and important. That's probably pride in me; I'm working on that too. I'm learning about the car dealer world. I'm learning how to see value in being behind-the-scenes, that the mundane tasks by the unskilled worker are important too.
I'm even learning to like Moberly. :) It's really a nice little town and it's feeling more and more like home for us. And I'm excited about what 2016 is going to hold for us. I'm not making lists, I'm not putting together a Hodson Family Plan... but I'm excited. Because I know that no matter what it holds, we're being held by One who can be trusted.
This song by Casting Crowns nearly brought me to my knees one day. I was driving down the road and had to pull over, just letting the words sink in to my heart & mind...
Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere and barely leaves you holding on
And when you're tired of fighting, chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender, lay it down and let it go
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
If your eyes are on the storm you'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross you'll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted, in time you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with ashes, your life is in My hands
Lift your hands, lift your eyes, in the storm is where you'll find Me
and where you are, I'll hold your heart; I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest, in the arms of the God who won't let go
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
I know that the events of my year don't even hold a candle to what some around the world have dealt with... I know those who have handled heartache in the foster system, there's a global refugee crisis, people fighting for their homes & lives, there is death and destruction and heartache all over this fallen world. And I truly know that I am blessed beyond measure to have the life that I have. I heard once that if everyone in the world put their troubles in a pile, we would all scramble to get our own back. I know that's true. In light of those problems, my "hard things" are nothing.
But I also know that God will use what He needs to in order to draw us closer to Him. This hard season was what I needed (anything more severe would have very likely crushed me!) And now I am prepared to face the next hard thing, whenever it comes. And I will lean on my Savior, and I will depend on those He has placed in my life who hold me up, and I will live a life that I pray glorifies Him!
Happy 2016. I'm giving this one to Jesus.
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