Wait! No, just wait...

Isaiah 40:31 says this:
"But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
they walk and don't lag behind."

Now for starters, I'd love to run and not get tired. That would do wonders for my workout regimen. And the hubby would certainly be thrilled if I would walk and not lag behind. [I blame his long legs...]
But the part of this verse that is hitting me square in the face right now is that first line...
"But those who wait upon God..."
I did Beth Moore's study of Esther this fall, and in one of the lessons she talks about waiting on the Lord rather than waiting on an event. And while I thoroughly enjoyed the lesson and loved Beth's insight... I didn't realize how much I was waiting on any event until just recently.

I want another baby.

There, its out. Out there in cyberspace, for all the world to read [as if "all the world" reads this blog], never to be removed from web-history.
I want another baby. I want Javik to be a big brother. I want to be pregnant again, and go through that newborn stage again, and experience the thrill of watching another helpless infant become an independent person.

And it's not happening.

Granted, we've only been trying for about 4 months. And I know that there are couples who try for years. Close friends of ours, in fact. So, I'm not begging for pity. I'm just realizing that I'm waiting on this event. I'm trusting in my own ability to get pregnant [not completely on my own, of course, but.... this is a family blog].
Instead of waiting on the Lord, in His perfect timing and infinite wisdom and divine plan for my life and my family, I'm waiting on a baby.

And to make matters worse, it seems like everyone else I know IS having a baby.
Friends who have literally been trying for years... expecting.
Friends who already have children, but who have experienced heartache in having others... expecting.
Friends who already have more children than they ever planned, and who were not trying to have any more... expecting.
Friends who have no business having a baby because their lives are a mess to begin with... expecting.
Friends who aren't married, and who never thought "this" could happen to them... expecting.

And I'll be honest, I'm fighting a little bitterness. I'm fighting the urge to ask God if He forgot about me. Doesn't He know my plans? My desires? My timeframe?
I thought I had it all planned so well... Javik would be about 4... baby would be born in May so that I could have the whole summer off without taking maternity leave...
and yet, nothing.

So how does one "wait on God"?
I'm trying to wait by trusting. Trusting that God, in fact, does know me and remember me and love me. He knows what's best for me because He not only knows where I've been... He knows where I'm going. He knows what's ahead for my family, and He knows when it will be the perfect time for us to add to it, or if it won't be perfect at all for us to add to it.
And I know that regardless of the efforts of others, no life is created by accident. God just as purposely created the lives of those babies for our friends who so desperately want to be parents as He did the lives of the babies for those people who aren't at all ready for it... and He's just as purposely not creating another life in this family.

I am but a speck in the paint of one stroke on the canvas... and He can see the entire mural.

Lord, teach me what it means to "wait" on You. That my strength will be renewed. That my faith will be strengthened. That my love for you would begin to reflect one tiny ounce of your love for me. Thank you for that love. Thank you for having a plan for my life.
And thank you, that no matter whether another baby ever comes along or not, I already have one amazing family!

Verdigris Extremity

At the risk of shocking anyone who really knows me...
I think I'm getting a Green Thumb!

When we moved to our house 2 years ago one of the things that I loved about it was all of the landscaping beds. So, as a token of my appreciation of them, I have successfully neglected said landscaping beds since the day we moved in. Not on purpose of course, just because I don't really know anything about gardening or taking care of plants!

So one of my goals for this summer was to clean out & clean up those landscaping beds. Weed them out, plant some new plants, and re-mulch... and so it begins. Just as I was getting ready to begin my undertaking, we heard about a landscaping business that was closing nearby, and they were planning to auction all of their inventory! Perfect! So we went, we spent, and we came home with quite a haul.

Knowing nothing about any plants, including the ones I purchased at the auction, I googled all of them and made a plan. Since then, I've made about 4 trips to Menards & nearly doubled my plant "collection"!

I'm about a third of the way through my landscaping beds... I've used about 10 of my 40 bags of mulch... I've planted 4 planters & 9 pots of flowers... and I'm loving it! Turns out gardening flowers provides a lot of time to think, and provides a lot of similarities to my spiritual life. My existing plants were full of dead leaves and dying stems, which left no room for new life to grow through! I've realized I'm a lot like those plants. I hold on to all of the dead & painful things in my life, never being willing to let Jesus "clean me up" so that new life can grow!

I'm sure that if my plants could talk, they'd share that being weeded is no fun. But the pain is worth the growth! My heart is the same way.... being spiritually weeded is no fun. And unlike my plants, I have the ability to hold on... hold on to the old without giving it over to the LORD. But when I am willing to let go, willing to give it over to Him, that's when I can grow! Grow in Him and for Him.

And so, this summer, I'm seeing change in more than just my landscaping! My property is getting a makeover & so am I!

And if any of my newly planted friends survive the next month or so, I'll be sure to post pics to share! =D

Branching Out in the Blogosphere

Apparently it's not enough for me to not keep up with one blog... I've started another!
My Javik says & does the funniest things on a daily basis. And I know that the reality of life & motherhood is that I will not remember them, despite how much I really would love to.
So I've started blogging the funny things that he says, the "Javisms" of our life.

www.javisms.blogspot.com

Thank goodness I'm a mother in this day of technology... my boy turns 3 next month & I barely have his first months scrapbooked. I've forgotten to write down nearly every thing a mother is supposed to record in a baby book. If it weren't for our periodic recordings of his height & weight on his closet doorway, I'd have nothing!

So these Javisms will hopefully enable me to look back on my days with my little guy and smile. I spend every day with 13 & 14 year old boys... I know that despite my every attempt to keep it from happening, Javik will one day become one of them. And I know from my many conversations with the mothers of my students that apparently the teenage years of your children come with worries & stresses & frustrations & joys of their own. I want to be able to remember. To remember what the worries & stresses & frustrations & joys were of having a (3) year old. And hopefully to look back with fondness while looking at the amazing young man my boy has become.

The Newspaper About God

Javik handed me this paper he got at Sunday School a few weeks ago...
he said, "Here Mommy, don't forget to read your newspaper... it's about God!"
Wow buddy, thanks!
Then he points to the older gentleman on the paper... "That's my daddy! He's my preacher of the bible."
My heart = melted!
He then points to the pianist pictured... "And that's Katie. She plays the piano at my church!"

He's so excited about everything he learns at Sunday School.
He LOVES his teachers, Mr. Mark & Ms. Dawn!
I pray that his excitement for the things of God never goes away! I hope that years from now he's just as excited to get up and go to church on Sunday mornings as he is right now.

Chilly Chili

My husband claims that a blog shouldn't be m i l e - l o n g posts every once in a while, but rather should be snippits of life on a more frequent basis... he apparently fancies himself the blogging expert! LOL
However, after thinking on his "advice" I've decided that this year my goal is to write more often about the things that seem less significant... (I know... I'm getting a late start!)
So this morning when Javik & I were leaving the house at 6:30 a.m., (before Mr. Sun had even woken up) I said to him, "Man, its chilly out here."
Javik's response: "Chili?! That's a food that we eat!" and as he looks around the yard "I don't see any chili out here!"
I couldn't help but L.O.L.! I said to him, "Actually, chilly has two meanings... it IS a food that we eat, but it also means a little bit cold." He stared at me as if I had just made up the craziest thing he'd ever heard (similar to the look I get from 8th graders on a daily basis).
So the entire ride to town I could hear him in the backseat trying to convince himself : "it is a food that we eat AND a little bit cold..."
So funny! I couldn't even begin to tell you where I was the day I learned the difference between chilly & chili... it's just something that I know. But I'm pretty sure I'll never forget the day Javik learned the difference!

And I couldn't bring myself to inform that Chile is also a country in South America... that seemed like too much for his little boy brain to handle so early in the morning!!