When we moved to Moberly my Javinator was a little nervous about being the "new kid." He started school here in a "funnel" year... a year when students from multiple schools all combine together in a new building. I tried to assure him that this was a good thing, "everyone is 'new'." And it was a good thing.
But it was a difficult thing too. Because there were so many "new" people to get to know, kids naturally found other kids they already knew. And because half of his grade was "new" to the other half, everyone assumed that he was one of the "others." I don't know him... he must be from _____ school.
It was a blessing and a curse.
He's acclimated just fine.
During that first year in the Magic City, I tried to coach him on how to make new friends. Personally, I've always felt like I thrive in social situations. Even among new people. I'm comfortable, I'm confident, I can just be myself and get to know others. I tried to encourage Javik to do the same. He's a great kid! He's funny, smart, kind... if he would just be himself, others would see those qualities in him too and he'd have new friends in no time.
Then, the following year, I was new. And it was his turn to coach me. He gave me the same advice I had given him. "Be yourself, mom! Your new coworkers will see how great you are and you'll have new friends in no time!" Bless him.
I feel like it went pretty well. As a direct answer to my prayer that MMS would feel like home right away, God allowed me to have administrators, a team and a grade level that instantly felt like "my people." What a privilege! Turns out, the "skills" I learned in my decade and a half as a minister's wife came in handy. I remember names & details that make me personable. #itsnotbraggingifitstrue
My next prayer is a little trickier. "God, send me friends." That's a pretty big request. And, if you're already my friend, don't get me wrong: I love you! I have the most dear friends a woman could ever ask for! A best friend who just gets me and loves me as I am. Three girlfriends who have been my people for actual decades, who just speak every bit of my language. Friends who bring joy to my soul and provide great, Godly council when I need it, as well as room for me to relax and hang out when I need that too.
But most of them don't live in Moberly. <insert sad face, pity-party here>
They live 30 minutes away. An hour, or two, away. I'm thankful that they live close enough for me to see them every once in awhile. But they're not close enough to be my tribe.
My prayers are for a tribe.
"Tribe" = Fellow Magic City women who can pick up my kid from school randomly if I need her to... who will let me do my laundry at her house when my dryer breaks... who will meet up with me on a whim on a random Tuesday night while my kids are at soccer & drink cappucino and vent about the day.
That defines a "tribe" to me. That's what I long for. Is this too much to ask? Does this exist in real life or is it something I've seen in movies & on TV and want re-created in my own life? Do you have this? And if so, is your tribe accepting new members?
There are a few of those women whom I have met, some whose kids are alongside my kids in school or soccer or church. I want to be friends with them. I want to invite them to be my tribe... or perhaps, have them invite me to be part of theirs!?!
But I don't know how.
I don't know how to really make new friends. I'm great at meeting new people. I'm great at being friendly with new people. But to really be friends. "I don't know what to do with my hands"... or my self. I lived my whole life in the same house in the same town. I played sports and went to church with the same girls from pre-school through high school. I went to college with my boyfriend. I went back to my hometown for my first five years of married adult life. I taught most of my career in the same building where I went to middle school. Herego... I'm only two years into this new found un-comfort zone! And as I've been praying about this lately, because lately it's really something that my little heart is longing for... I'm wondering how well I'm living this out by example for my kids. I spent a whole school year encouraging Javik & coaching him in something that, as it turns out, I don't really know how to do!
It's hard to put yourself out there! What if they don't like me? What if they act like they like me, but they don't really? What if they do like me, and I think we're friends, but they really just keep defaulting back to their other friends over me?
Am I a middle school girl?! Does this ever end?
Is it acceptable to just walk up to another mom and invite her to be my friend? Should I bring snacks to win her affection? Should I just sit down beside her and pretend like we're already friends? Maybe she'll think we already are.
I'm in uncharted territory.... so if I walk up to you and just pretend like we have an ongoing deep friendship, just go with it. I'm trying out some new strategies!
8.27.2017
1.08.2017
A Whole Year Went By...?!
You know that feeling when you've been out of town for several days or weeks, finally to return home and just...AAAAHHHHHH. You know the feeling? That's my 2016 wrap up.
AAAAHHHHHH.
I'm finally home.
It took me awhile to get here. Like a-two years-while. The calm after the storm. The captain has turned off the seatbelt sign after your plane has landed. Home. And it's nice. Life finally feels settled. Our house is "done." I'm currently defining "done" as = livable interior and non-haunted-house exterior. Is it finished? No. But for most intents & purposes, it's good. My kids are settled. Javik is in his element at school and among his friends. He has two best buddies who both live in our same subdivision, which is fantastic. Zailey also has friends in our neighborhood and she's getting old enough to really enjoy the convenience & freedom in that. I always imagined that my household would be the place where my people gather. The house where the kids hang out. As my kids are growing up, and their friends are close by, that is true. Both kids' friends just stop by, come over unannounced, knock&walk-in all at once, help themselves to whatever is in my pantry & fridge... and I love it. Talk to me again when my son & his friends are teenagers, eating everything I own, and my story may be different. But right now, yes please! And we have great neighbors, which makes life enjoyable all around. We continue to borrow grace from them, leveraging with the fact that we've made our house look nicer on the outside, so please ignore the fact that we've increased the volume & nonsense level immensely.
Don't get me wrong... our life isn't perfect by any means. But life at home isn't ever really perfect is it? Isn't home where your real story happens? In my experience, my tribe of four can hold ourselves together for a while when we're out in public. We leave the house, and go to some public place or someone else's house, and we can appear normal - for a while. Cole & I barelyargue passionately discuss issues, my kids rarely tackle each other into an all-out brawl, I hardly ever completely lose my crap & start screaming at everyone like some sort of wild banchee. We can do this. We appear normal. For a limited amount of time. Then we have to go home. Home - where all the ugly disfunction comes out, because it's safe for it to. Where the kids can tackle each other all they want as long as nothing gets broken, and I can take out all my frustrations on things like cabinet doors & laundry folding.
All that to say, there are still some days that I'm riding shotgun on the struggle bus. Work at Nolan Belle Motors is going strong. We survived a winter with no heat and a summer with no A/C. We sold some cars and fixed some cars. And when I say "we" I mean Cole, obviously. For most of 2016 I complained about working there. Because there was no heat. And then we had to work there until 11 pm for days upon days upon days. And then there was no A/C and I wanted to be at the pool. And then I went back to work at a school. A job that I wanted and interviewed for and chose to take..... and then I felt guilty about NOT working at Nolan Belle Motors anymore. To be honest, I'm still guilty. I hate that my return to teaching means more work for Cole, longer hours for him and more stress for him. I hate it that I'm not there with Zailey this last year before she starts kindergarten. I hate that my absence means that she's not going to preschool, and that she spends most of her days with her current baby-sitters, Netflix & YouTube. But I'm also thankful for this extra daddy-daughter time that she's getting with Cole. She is learning so much from him and is already so beyond "kindergarten ready."
And, I'm a teacher again. I signed a contract and mentally prepared myself all summer long and then cried myself back to work in August. Literally cried. And continued to do so for more mornings than I care to admit to you. It felt like I had finally made a decision on my own, after so many years of complaining that my whole life was lived on the coattails of my husband - changing houses & churches & lives for his profession - and now that I had made this choice for myself by myself, I instantly regretted it. I didn't want to go back to school. I was nervous about being back in a classroom. I didn't want to meet new co-workers and learn new rules and procedures and be on someone else's schedule..... blah blah blah. #1stWorldProblems, I know. I really do like most of the people I work with... the kids and the grown-ups. I've made new friends, and learned new things. And I've remembered how really hard it is to be new. (If you'll remember, I don't have a lot of tools in my "dealing-with-hard-things" toolbox. So having not really been new very many times in life, this has been a challenge.) And now that the school year is half way over, I don't regret my choice as much. I don't cry on my way to school, as much. And I do enjoy feeling knowledgeable at work again. Unlike my job as a car dealer. ;)
We've also settled in to a local church family, which is both relieving and hard. It seems like I'm using that word a lot. We visited a lot of churches for a lot of weeks and finally settled in with a church family at North Park. And I've discovered a few things: 1) it's HARD to pick a church rather than having a church pick you. That was a new one for us. Over the years people have often asked me what they should look for in looking for a new church... and I've never known what to tell them. I've never had to choose a church. And 2) it's a lot of work to invest & involve in a new family. It sounds very egotistical to say, but it's hard to go to church as "nobody." Not in a low-self-esteem "I'm nobody special" kind of way, but in a "nobody knows us here / we are responsible for nothing here" kind of way. When you start at a new church, in a new family, as the pastor's family or even as the youth pastor's family, the whole church works really hard to make you feel included and like you belong. There is a sort of instant-belonging that happens for you. When you start at a new church as a random joe-shmoe family, a couple with 2 kids, you have to work really hard to meet people and invest in that church family and get yourself involved.
We've been going to this church for about 6 months now. We're just starting to plug in. That's my fault. My spirit is hesitant to let me invest and get attached. It's really hard to leave a family that you love. I know - we've left a few. And it's really hard to get burned by a family that you let yourself love too quickly. I know that too. So, I think it's just really hard for me to jump in and get to know them and let them get to know me. Part of that is because it's just a lot of work, and I've already done so much hard work on every other aspect of moving here that I'd just like to be lazy. (Yipes! #brutalhonesty) The other part of that is because somewhere in my head & my heart, I don't think that being a part of the NP family is forever either. I believe that we are here to "plant" a church (whatever that looks like) and so that means that when the time comes, I'll have to leave another church family. It just seems like it'll be easier to leave one that I'm not that attached to. And I know that kind of attitude is exactly the opposite of what we're called to do here for the Kingdom. What sort of hope would I have if Jesus had lived that way?! If, in his divine wisdom, knowing that his time on earth was temporary, he had just walked through life not really investing in anyone. Because the end was going to be painful, he'd just skipped the middle. The relationships and the miracles and the teachings and the sacrifice and the GOSPEL.... Oy. So I know that investing and jumping in and doing the hard work of doing life with this family is what I'm supposed to do. Bloom Where You're Planted! So that's what we're doing. For as long as we're called to do it.
So that's 2016. Twelve months of our lives. 365 days. We all turned another year older, hopefully got another year wiser, and I pray that we look more like Jesus now than we did a year ago. And I pray that we'll look more like Him a year from now than we do today. Whether that be our ministry at Nolan Belle Motors through car sales & service, or at Moberly Middle School through teaching history, or at Gratz Brown Elementary through sitting alongside fellow classmates, at North Park Elementary where my baby will begin kindergarten this year (?!).... at North Park Church as a random family of attenders, or in our sweet Meadowbrook neighborhood by being the best darn loving caring neighbors that we can be.... Lord, let us be yours.
CH out.
AAAAHHHHHH.
I'm finally home.
It took me awhile to get here. Like a-two years-while. The calm after the storm. The captain has turned off the seatbelt sign after your plane has landed. Home. And it's nice. Life finally feels settled. Our house is "done." I'm currently defining "done" as = livable interior and non-haunted-house exterior. Is it finished? No. But for most intents & purposes, it's good. My kids are settled. Javik is in his element at school and among his friends. He has two best buddies who both live in our same subdivision, which is fantastic. Zailey also has friends in our neighborhood and she's getting old enough to really enjoy the convenience & freedom in that. I always imagined that my household would be the place where my people gather. The house where the kids hang out. As my kids are growing up, and their friends are close by, that is true. Both kids' friends just stop by, come over unannounced, knock&walk-in all at once, help themselves to whatever is in my pantry & fridge... and I love it. Talk to me again when my son & his friends are teenagers, eating everything I own, and my story may be different. But right now, yes please! And we have great neighbors, which makes life enjoyable all around. We continue to borrow grace from them, leveraging with the fact that we've made our house look nicer on the outside, so please ignore the fact that we've increased the volume & nonsense level immensely.
Don't get me wrong... our life isn't perfect by any means. But life at home isn't ever really perfect is it? Isn't home where your real story happens? In my experience, my tribe of four can hold ourselves together for a while when we're out in public. We leave the house, and go to some public place or someone else's house, and we can appear normal - for a while. Cole & I barely
All that to say, there are still some days that I'm riding shotgun on the struggle bus. Work at Nolan Belle Motors is going strong. We survived a winter with no heat and a summer with no A/C. We sold some cars and fixed some cars. And when I say "we" I mean Cole, obviously. For most of 2016 I complained about working there. Because there was no heat. And then we had to work there until 11 pm for days upon days upon days. And then there was no A/C and I wanted to be at the pool. And then I went back to work at a school. A job that I wanted and interviewed for and chose to take..... and then I felt guilty about NOT working at Nolan Belle Motors anymore. To be honest, I'm still guilty. I hate that my return to teaching means more work for Cole, longer hours for him and more stress for him. I hate it that I'm not there with Zailey this last year before she starts kindergarten. I hate that my absence means that she's not going to preschool, and that she spends most of her days with her current baby-sitters, Netflix & YouTube. But I'm also thankful for this extra daddy-daughter time that she's getting with Cole. She is learning so much from him and is already so beyond "kindergarten ready."
And, I'm a teacher again. I signed a contract and mentally prepared myself all summer long and then cried myself back to work in August. Literally cried. And continued to do so for more mornings than I care to admit to you. It felt like I had finally made a decision on my own, after so many years of complaining that my whole life was lived on the coattails of my husband - changing houses & churches & lives for his profession - and now that I had made this choice for myself by myself, I instantly regretted it. I didn't want to go back to school. I was nervous about being back in a classroom. I didn't want to meet new co-workers and learn new rules and procedures and be on someone else's schedule..... blah blah blah. #1stWorldProblems, I know. I really do like most of the people I work with... the kids and the grown-ups. I've made new friends, and learned new things. And I've remembered how really hard it is to be new. (If you'll remember, I don't have a lot of tools in my "dealing-with-hard-things" toolbox. So having not really been new very many times in life, this has been a challenge.) And now that the school year is half way over, I don't regret my choice as much. I don't cry on my way to school, as much. And I do enjoy feeling knowledgeable at work again. Unlike my job as a car dealer. ;)
We've also settled in to a local church family, which is both relieving and hard. It seems like I'm using that word a lot. We visited a lot of churches for a lot of weeks and finally settled in with a church family at North Park. And I've discovered a few things: 1) it's HARD to pick a church rather than having a church pick you. That was a new one for us. Over the years people have often asked me what they should look for in looking for a new church... and I've never known what to tell them. I've never had to choose a church. And 2) it's a lot of work to invest & involve in a new family. It sounds very egotistical to say, but it's hard to go to church as "nobody." Not in a low-self-esteem "I'm nobody special" kind of way, but in a "nobody knows us here / we are responsible for nothing here" kind of way. When you start at a new church, in a new family, as the pastor's family or even as the youth pastor's family, the whole church works really hard to make you feel included and like you belong. There is a sort of instant-belonging that happens for you. When you start at a new church as a random joe-shmoe family, a couple with 2 kids, you have to work really hard to meet people and invest in that church family and get yourself involved.
We've been going to this church for about 6 months now. We're just starting to plug in. That's my fault. My spirit is hesitant to let me invest and get attached. It's really hard to leave a family that you love. I know - we've left a few. And it's really hard to get burned by a family that you let yourself love too quickly. I know that too. So, I think it's just really hard for me to jump in and get to know them and let them get to know me. Part of that is because it's just a lot of work, and I've already done so much hard work on every other aspect of moving here that I'd just like to be lazy. (Yipes! #brutalhonesty) The other part of that is because somewhere in my head & my heart, I don't think that being a part of the NP family is forever either. I believe that we are here to "plant" a church (whatever that looks like) and so that means that when the time comes, I'll have to leave another church family. It just seems like it'll be easier to leave one that I'm not that attached to. And I know that kind of attitude is exactly the opposite of what we're called to do here for the Kingdom. What sort of hope would I have if Jesus had lived that way?! If, in his divine wisdom, knowing that his time on earth was temporary, he had just walked through life not really investing in anyone. Because the end was going to be painful, he'd just skipped the middle. The relationships and the miracles and the teachings and the sacrifice and the GOSPEL.... Oy. So I know that investing and jumping in and doing the hard work of doing life with this family is what I'm supposed to do. Bloom Where You're Planted! So that's what we're doing. For as long as we're called to do it.
So that's 2016. Twelve months of our lives. 365 days. We all turned another year older, hopefully got another year wiser, and I pray that we look more like Jesus now than we did a year ago. And I pray that we'll look more like Him a year from now than we do today. Whether that be our ministry at Nolan Belle Motors through car sales & service, or at Moberly Middle School through teaching history, or at Gratz Brown Elementary through sitting alongside fellow classmates, at North Park Elementary where my baby will begin kindergarten this year (?!).... at North Park Church as a random family of attenders, or in our sweet Meadowbrook neighborhood by being the best darn loving caring neighbors that we can be.... Lord, let us be yours.
CH out.
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