Isaiah 40:31 says this:
"But those who wait upon God get fresh strength.
They spread their wings and soar like eagles,
They run and don't get tired,
they walk and don't lag behind."
Now for starters, I'd love to run and not get tired. That would do wonders for my workout regimen. And the hubby would certainly be thrilled if I would walk and not lag behind. [I blame his long legs...]
But the part of this verse that is hitting me square in the face right now is that first line...
"But those who wait upon God..."
I did Beth Moore's study of Esther this fall, and in one of the lessons she talks about waiting on the Lord rather than waiting on an event. And while I thoroughly enjoyed the lesson and loved Beth's insight... I didn't realize how much I was waiting on any event until just recently.
I want another baby.
There, its out. Out there in cyberspace, for all the world to read [as if "all the world" reads this blog], never to be removed from web-history.
I want another baby. I want Javik to be a big brother. I want to be pregnant again, and go through that newborn stage again, and experience the thrill of watching another helpless infant become an independent person.
And it's not happening.
Granted, we've only been trying for about 4 months. And I know that there are couples who try for years. Close friends of ours, in fact. So, I'm not begging for pity. I'm just realizing that I'm waiting on this event. I'm trusting in my own ability to get pregnant [not completely on my own, of course, but.... this is a family blog].
Instead of waiting on the Lord, in His perfect timing and infinite wisdom and divine plan for my life and my family, I'm waiting on a baby.
And to make matters worse, it seems like everyone else I know IS having a baby.
Friends who have literally been trying for years... expecting.
Friends who already have children, but who have experienced heartache in having others... expecting.
Friends who already have more children than they ever planned, and who were not trying to have any more... expecting.
Friends who have no business having a baby because their lives are a mess to begin with... expecting.
Friends who aren't married, and who never thought "this" could happen to them... expecting.
And I'll be honest, I'm fighting a little bitterness. I'm fighting the urge to ask God if He forgot about me. Doesn't He know my plans? My desires? My timeframe?
I thought I had it all planned so well... Javik would be about 4... baby would be born in May so that I could have the whole summer off without taking maternity leave...
and yet, nothing.
So how does one "wait on God"?
I'm trying to wait by trusting. Trusting that God, in fact, does know me and remember me and love me. He knows what's best for me because He not only knows where I've been... He knows where I'm going. He knows what's ahead for my family, and He knows when it will be the perfect time for us to add to it, or if it won't be perfect at all for us to add to it.
And I know that regardless of the efforts of others, no life is created by accident. God just as purposely created the lives of those babies for our friends who so desperately want to be parents as He did the lives of the babies for those people who aren't at all ready for it... and He's just as purposely not creating another life in this family.
I am but a speck in the paint of one stroke on the canvas... and He can see the entire mural.
Lord, teach me what it means to "wait" on You. That my strength will be renewed. That my faith will be strengthened. That my love for you would begin to reflect one tiny ounce of your love for me. Thank you for that love. Thank you for having a plan for my life.
And thank you, that no matter whether another baby ever comes along or not, I already have one amazing family!
