If I would have known all that 2015 would entail, I would have walked into it a little more hesitantly. Instead, I naively trotted right into this year with stupid anticipation. All that I thought would be, is not. And all that came to be, well, I did not see that coming.
However, knowing what I know now about the year 2015, I can't really think of much I would change.
To understand the weight of that last sentence, you have to know where my heart has been the last 12 months and the journey that God has traveled with me.
You see, 2015 began with what I thought was going to be a year of transition for my family. Moving a couple of times, new cities, new friends, new experiences. And it was. We moved a couple of times, three actually before March 1; we now live in a "new" city, just one that we've actually known for awhile; we have wonderful new friends and we've had a bajillion new experiences...
It just wasn't the move(s) I was expecting, the city that I was planning for, or the experiences that I thought I wanted. And my heart wasn't OK with that.
In the last 12 months I've been heartbroken by people that I barely knew. I've swallowed a tremendous amount of pride and said "Hello Again" to people that I thought I'd said "Goodbye" to. I have endured 12 weeks of no kitchen, no living room & a construction-zone house. I homeschooled a 2nd grader... on a mediocre level... and constantly felt guilty about the lack of education that was actually happening.
I have battled bitterness that was so strong I was convinced that I'd never see the other side of it. And here's the thing about bitterness: it's really pretty one-sided. The people that I was bitter toward had & have no idea. My bitterness has not affected them at all. But the other thing about bitterness: it creates a deep, dark hole in the heart of the one who is harboring it. My heart was so broken over the loss of a life that I never lived. And that darkness led to depression. I was so focused on what I thought I had lost, that I couldn't see what I had actually gained. That was hard for me to realize... and even harder to explain to those around me who just kept asking me "what's wrong?"
As Christians, I don't think we know enough about depression. About how to recognize it, how to cope with it, how to minister to those going through it. It's so much more than just needing to "feel better" and "be happier." But that's another post...
It took me a long time, the majority of 2015 if I'm being honest, to begin seeing all that I had gained. I have a beautiful home that is filled with our blood, sweat & tears...literally. In a wonderful neighborhood where we have made friends that are so dear to us. There are people in my life who have been my friends for years who are now a whole lot more like family. That's a gift. I spent 7 1/2 months with my husband & kids, 24/7, just the four of us. There were a lot of days when that was harder than I wanted to admit, but the truth is, those are days I'll never get back. Even after Javik started back in public school, which he loves, with a teacher we adore, I still get to spend every day with Cole & Z. Granted, starting your own business (a business that I knew NOTHING about) was much harder than I thought it would be. But I have seen a new side of our family. My husband will relentlessly provide for us. I "knew" that before... but I KNOW it without a doubt now. That is a blessing. In a world where there are too many absent husbands & fathers, my man will step up every single time. I thank God for that.
And my kids are resilient! They are far tougher at ages 4 & 8 than I would say I am at 34. They are so like their dad in the way they take things in stride, go with the flow, don't get their feathers ruffled at the unexpected. Again, a gift! Because I am quite the opposite. I don't know that I could have accurately guessed exactly how I would handle a year like 2015... a year where every plan I had was thrown to the wind and my faith in a God much greater than I was put to the test. I would have liked to guess that I would have handled it with grace, with steadfast faith & hope, with patience and forgiveness... I know now that I did not. During one particular meltdown (one of many I might add) I said to Cole, my calm in the storm, that I just didn't know how to handle all of the emotions I was feeling about life. He very genuinely asked me "Well, how have you handled hard things in the past?" ..... crickets..... I had to look at him, and confess that I haven't really had to handle hard things in the past. I believe my exact response was "Um, I don't believe I have that particular skill set."
My life has been so easy! God has so blessed my days that I naively thought that was just the way life would/should always be! Never mind that all throughout scripture we read that God uses really hard circumstances to grow faith and teach dependence on him. Clearly I could read about those other guys and get the message... or maybe not. Apparently I needed the actual storm in my life to understand what all that "My grace is sufficient" and "I am made strong in your weakness" stuff was all about. Praise God that He is so patient with me! That He is so faithful and so good and so committed to this relationship. I would have kicked my own self to the curb by now!
This year has been hard. And awesome. And crazy and wonderful and frustrating and exciting... I'm sure that most years could be described that way, but this year has been one for the books in my life.
And I'm certainly not writing this from a "whew, glad that's over" vantage point. It's not that I've completely overcome the bitterness. There are places & people & "keywords" that trigger a not-so-pretty side of me. I'm working through that. And there are still times when that darkness of depression threatens to creep in and choke out the joy in my life. I'm working on that too. The most helpful aspects are that I can be honest with Cole & my inner circle about where I am and where I want to be headed. I truly know that God is good. That He is holy and just and loves me so. I really do believe that He knows what is best and wants good for my life. I also know now that His definitions of "best" and "good" aren't always what I envisioned. And I'm learning that faith means that I trust Him still. For too many years I prayed for His will and then really tried to force it to match mine. No more. I long to be in the center of HIS will, in the center of HIS work, and I long for contentment while I'm there. I believe it will come.
I'm learning what it means to surrender, daily, my will to Him. Some days it's much harder than others, but I think that growth is hard and painful and necessary. I'm learning much about myself, about who I am when I'm in hard places. I've always said that I'm a better mom & wife when I work... and yep, that's true! I need to feel necessary and important. That's probably pride in me; I'm working on that too. I'm learning about the car dealer world. I'm learning how to see value in being behind-the-scenes, that the mundane tasks by the unskilled worker are important too.
I'm even learning to like Moberly. :) It's really a nice little town and it's feeling more and more like home for us. And I'm excited about what 2016 is going to hold for us. I'm not making lists, I'm not putting together a Hodson Family Plan... but I'm excited. Because I know that no matter what it holds, we're being held by One who can be trusted.
This song by Casting Crowns nearly brought me to my knees one day. I was driving down the road and had to pull over, just letting the words sink in to my heart & mind...
Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere and barely leaves you holding on
And when you're tired of fighting, chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender, lay it down and let it go
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
If your eyes are on the storm you'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross you'll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted, in time you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with ashes, your life is in My hands
Lift your hands, lift your eyes, in the storm is where you'll find Me
and where you are, I'll hold your heart; I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest, in the arms of the God who won't let go
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
I know that the events of my year don't even hold a candle to what some around the world have dealt with... I know those who have handled heartache in the foster system, there's a global refugee crisis, people fighting for their homes & lives, there is death and destruction and heartache all over this fallen world. And I truly know that I am blessed beyond measure to have the life that I have. I heard once that if everyone in the world put their troubles in a pile, we would all scramble to get our own back. I know that's true. In light of those problems, my "hard things" are nothing.
But I also know that God will use what He needs to in order to draw us closer to Him. This hard season was what I needed (anything more severe would have very likely crushed me!) And now I am prepared to face the next hard thing, whenever it comes. And I will lean on my Savior, and I will depend on those He has placed in my life who hold me up, and I will live a life that I pray glorifies Him!
Happy 2016. I'm giving this one to Jesus.
5.26.2015
Making a House into a Home
OK, well my goal of blogging the house reno process went down the drain as the literal drain of renovating a house took over! So I'll attempt to retell the story in hindsight.
12 weeks.
If you'd tried to convince me that my family could live in a construction zone, with no functional kitchen or living space for 12 weeks... I'd have told you you were crazy. And yet...
12 weeks.
We took possession of our house on February 20, 2015. We drove from the title company where we signed straight to the house, walked in the door, and got to work. We borrowed two 5-foot pry bars and immediately started tearing up the flooring of our new "dirty house" as Z kept calling it.
12 weeks.
If you'd tried to convince me that my family could live in a construction zone, with no functional kitchen or living space for 12 weeks... I'd have told you you were crazy. And yet...
12 weeks.
We took possession of our house on February 20, 2015. We drove from the title company where we signed straight to the house, walked in the door, and got to work. We borrowed two 5-foot pry bars and immediately started tearing up the flooring of our new "dirty house" as Z kept calling it.
The front... you can't tell so much from the outside, but this house was practically a crime scene.
A family room? ... AKA the room that is now my dining room.
A terribly cramped gally kitchen, that smelled worse than it looked looking into what is now our office/school room.
The master bath (which we gutted and left for later!)
The living room... I promise you no one died here, it just looks that way. The floors are so hideously awful you almost can't notice the horrible striped wallpaper!
My master bedroom. I don't even know how windows break like that?!
The 1/2 bath downstairs... at least, I think. It smelled so awful that I never actually stepped in there before it was gutted & ripped out.
Javik's bedroom... Zailey's was equally awful.
Now you know why the "dirty house" wasn't such a bad description! When we first walked through it with our realtor, I could see its' potential. I could tell that there was a home here just dying to break free! It was just going to take more work than I've ever put into anything in my life.
Our first walk through with our friend Aaron & my parents yielded looks from them that are unparalleled... as if to say "WHAT on earth are you thinking?!" If I'm honest, I was giving us that same look.
We busted our tails for the next 2 weeks. Replaced every inch of flooring and most of the walls. Ripped out 2 full bathrooms and fully replaced 1 of them (we decided that the master bath is a luxury that can wait until later). We did some minor construction (moving the laundry to an upstairs central location), and then called on our friends for help. We worked 16+ hour days for 14 days straight. The cold, dark, damp & musty basement was the cleanest, safest space for my kids to be at that point, so they played / watched TV from their lawn chairs down there. I am thankful every single day that God gave us easy-going kids! This process would have brought lesser children to their knees!
On March 2, we painted the entire 2nd floor. March 3 carpet was installed. And March 6, 2015, this house became our home. The bathroom upstairs was the only source of running water. The refrigerator was in the garage, and the mayhem was just beginning.
The night we moved in (thanks again to incredible friends & family who came to haul all of our belongings with us!) I told Cole & Aaron that my dream would be to have a house-warming party in a FINISHED house by Memorial Day. We counted the weeks, just shy of 12, and they both nervously laughed. Then Aaron said, "Sure! Memorial Day it is!" Even now, as I write those words, tears come to my eyes. I had no idea then what an emotional process living inside a renovation would be.
The work was hard and the days were long. But the time together as a family was filled with lessons that none of us will forget.
We donned our masks to rip up floors and scrape popcorn off of ceilings for what seemed like days at a time.
Family & friends here working 24/7 also made for good quality time with the ones we love!
This pile of tools changed from day to day, but mostly remained a constant throughout the house.
There were MANY late night planning sessions... me, Cole & Aaron. These guys worked themselves silly to make my Memorial Day dream come true.
Our dog, Fancy, had moved to my parents' house at the end of December 2014. They graciously had agreed to keep her for the year that we were to be in Kansas City. When that plan changed, they graciously kept her for us until we could make this life workable for her here in Moberly. One month in, April 6, we brought her home! She pretty much thought we'd gone mad. But the kids were SO excited to finally have her home!
It felt like we did nothing but work. Countless days & nights meals would sneak up on us... often times it was 8:00 at night before I thought about the fact that we hadn't eaten yet! *Again, thankful for easy-going kids! Our card table, which had seen very little use prior to this move, served as our dining table & school table & anything-we-need-a-table-for table. Paper plates & utensils were our fine china.
April 28. The last of the 175 plates that Dena gave us the night we moved in. We bought another 100 & used the last of them on Memorial Day. :)
We tried to live life among the working. We tried to make it to big things like birthday parties & weddings along the way. Amidst the construction it was a constant struggle to make sure everyone made it into clean clothes upstairs & that we were still clean by the time we got through the downstairs! They say that hard work comes with blood, sweat & tears... truth! We have all bled, sweat & cried in this process! Zailey Belle wins for the most tears shed. She & Cole probably tie for the most blood lost. Shockingly, there was only the one major incident with Z & the step ladder. For 12 weeks in a construction zone, I call that a win.
Every completed project felt like a major victory. Slowly but surely the house started coming together. The tool pile got smaller as the paint bucket pile grew. When we finally got every wall sheet-rocked & the cabinets mocked up to look like a "kitchen" I could see the light at the end of the tunnel! Once again, we called on our friends & family to help us paint the 1st floor... and just like they do, they came through. Paint on the walls meant the clean up could begin.
May 5th we finally got rid of the "pantry table" (a door on 2 sawhorses) and replaced it with a REAL pantry!
Paint buckets everywhere
May 16th the floors started going in! What a beautiful sight!
A project that we never could have taken on, much less completed, without the help of so many loved ones! Behind these walls lies miles of new electric wiring, water lines, newly crafted duct work, hundreds of 2x4s and more labor than you can imagine. Every minute of time sacrificed & donated to us out of love. On the surface you see gallons of paint, thousands of square feet of flooring, painted cabinets & furniture, the heaviest counter tops EVER... again, put on & in as a labor of love.
A custom kitchen that first appeared in my mind, and then before my eyes!
Hanging outdoor lanterns over the bar got me some looks by the men... but turned out one of our favorite things!
The center of our home, a perfect place for a reminder of what's most important
The same "dirty" fireplace, now cozy in the dining room
It's amazing what taking out a few walls will do to open up a room! ;)
"Home" More than just a word or a piece of art on the wall (replacing that awful striped wallpaper!) my relaxing boys say it all.
May 25th, Memorial Day. My house is finished! The rooms were filled with the family & friends & neighbors who have given us so much more help than we'll ever deserve these last 3 months. As I walked around, visiting & laughing & "showing off" our hard work, I fought to keep the tears from spilling over out of my eyes. This. This is what a home is for.
I am & will continue to be overwhelmed by the love of the friends God has put in our lives. I'm even more overwhelmed by His faithfulness to us. To love us and show us grace & mercy, to give us a hope & a future. This house that He provided for us, made of wood and nails and beams, now our home, made of hard work and love and dreams. My prayer is that we would use this house to love others even more than we have been loved. That the doors are always open to anyone in need, and that the rooms be filled with laughter & fun for all of our days here.
We still have some projects on our list. The stairs will be done, the master bath & the basement finished, the outside will get new siding & shutters & paint... but for now, we will rest. We will re-enter the land of the living, and for the love of pete, we will WORK for an actual income!
My heart is full. We are Home.
2.14.2015
A New Life
It is so crazy to me how fragile this life is & how quickly it changes...
My life has changed so much in the last 6 weeks that if I don't sit still & process all that has taken place, my brain might explode. So for my own safety & the sanity of those around me...
Summer 2014 : Cole & I were praying through some "proddings" that we felt were from the Holy Spirit regarding our future as a family & our careers. I had been feeling for a while that God was putting a softness in my heart toward homeschooling. Anyone who knows me knows that this HAD to come from God Almighty if it were ever to happen in my life. Heaven knows I wouldn't have walked that path on my own! Cole had also been feeling as though perhaps our ministry at our church (which we LOVE & wouldn't have walked away from for *almost* anything) was coming to an end. But we didn't know what that meant or what it would look like to leave, and so we didn't.
We brushed those things aside because we couldn't make sense of them.
They didn't fit in the plan that WE had for ourselves, and so we dismissed them.
So just like us.
So in the summer, a ministry opportunity presented itself to us that seemed to be the answer to all of those "proddings." A chance to plant a new church, with the opportunity to reach more people for Jesus, allowing me to stay home with our kids & even (gasp) homeschool Javik, while providing us a financially safe way to do it...
How could this NOT be from the Lord?!
So we began to prepare for our exit. In October I gave my resignation at school and we told our church that we would be leaving at year's end.
October 13-19 was one of the most emotionally draining & physically exhausting weeks of my life!
We started with Javik & Zailey. Nothing could have prepared me for the way they would each take that news & handle it so oppositely of one another. Crying & laughing; outbursts of excitement & mourning that seemed to turn from one into the other at the drop of a hat. Each night of the week was spent in the homes of some of our most dear friends... telling them the news of our departure. Wednesday the 15th we told our small group Framily, people who we were committed to live life with for the long haul (this group also included 2 of my co-workers, which added a whole new level...)
Sunday the 19th we stood before our church & told them the news. Tears flowed freely. Ours & theirs. We hugged & cried, cried & hugged until I had no tears left.
My 33rd birthday was the day I sat with my boss & gave resignation at a job that I loved. A workplace where I rarely felt like I was at "work."
By the time those 8 days were over, I was DONE. I was so emotionally drained, my children were sleep deprived... and we just kept assuring them that the chaos would calm SOON. But throughout, we felt affirmed that we were taking the right steps.
We spent 2+ months preparing to leave our little corner of the world... explaining hundreds of times why we would be moving to KC to eventually plant a church in STL... preparing my 100+ students to finish the year with a substitute teacher... preparing our church to continue ministering & loving people in our absence. One of the greatest lessons I learned during that time was humility. A lesson that has always been a tough one for me. Life can continue without me... at school, at church; I'm not the be-all-end-all! (I too was taken aback, so take some time to process that if you need to).
December 28 : Our last Sunday at Perche Baptist Church was perfect. Surrounded by our friends & family, laughing & crying & EATING... the way the Lord intended!
January 3, 2015 : We loaded up & headed to KC... moving into a house provided for us, ready to start a new adventure, a year that we knew would be crazy & chaotic & exciting as we prepared for another move to another city to start a new church.
We simply had no idea that the 2nd move would come so quickly.
Nor that the new city would be so close to "home".
January 15, 2015 : Our time in KC came to an end. Through events & circumstances that seemed out of our control, our partnership with the church there was over. I was hurt. I was furious! I felt like we had spent months putting all of our eggs into this one basket, only to have that basket taken from us. So many months preparing & planning, and it was over before it had really even begun.
What in the world was happening?!
Because my husband & I deal with heartache & hard things in completely different ways, he chose this time to be rational & trusting, while I chose to be panicked & outraged. Praise Jesus that he is the head of our household, lest we burn every bridge we've ever crossed & fly off the handle at my "steady hand."
Cole took this opportunity to do what he does best: minister.
He ministered to my heart by continually reminding me of some very basic things that I would not let myself remember:
1. God is not surprised by the events of our lives. He is sovereign & He is in control... even when I feel like control is spiraling away from me.
2. God is faithful to do what He says He will do, which is love us, provide for us, and give us a hope & a future.
and 3. The church is the bride of Christ, and if Jesus loved her enough to give His life for her, we will love her too. Even when we feel like a church has wronged us & left us out to dry. (I have to admit that this one is still a little hard for me to swallow. My pride insists on vengeance when I have been wronged... I know that this is not of Jesus. Be patient with me.)
My gut reaction was to GO HOME. Call my school. Call Perche. Move back home... Quick! Get to safety! But because he is the rational & trusting one, Cole suggested we take some time to observe what the Lord had done & was still doing in our lives...
(Bear in mind that we met with a couple on the evening of Jan 16 who had contacted us about buying our house. Yes, you heard me: they contacted us. That makes 2 of our houses...Long story short: they're buying it. We close 12 days from the time of this post.)
We had nothing but time! So we stepped back. Because gas is cheap right now (less than $2 for the national average?! Hello 1998!) & we are both unemployed, we took off out west. We were able to spend an entire week with Cole's mom & Grandma in Colorado, there to celebrate GG's 95th birthday with her, having no idea that she would pass from this earth to eternity just 9 days later. That is precious time with her that we never would have had if not for this turn of events.
We spent the next week at the pacific coast. Gorgeous SoCal weather & getting to take our kiddos to the beach for the first time. Another impossible from a KC office.
During that time, Cole & I talked about life. Our dreams. Our desires. The world was our oyster! Where did we want to go? Where did God want us to go?
Turns out: home. Or at least, pretty darn close! We got home on Thursday, Jan 29th. We had been scouring the internet for houses & property all over the U.S. For the immediate time, we decided we'd stay in Mid-MO until we had more clear direction. After getting home, we decided to get to work figuring out a home for our family post-Feb... Columbia was the center of our search. Turns out - property there is expensive! Whodathunkit? So we broadened our search -- to eventually include Moberly.
Now, I'm with you - Moberly has always seemed to me to be the armpit of the world. (I apologize to my friends from Moberly... the story does get better for the ol' Magic City.)
Our immediate plan is to start a dealership, which will provide some financial income for us (man can't live on bread alone! I know these Hodson "men" certainly can't!) & still give us some flexibility in our lives to pursue ministry. It's also a "job" that we can walk away from relatively easily if called somewhere else 6 months down the road.
So during our search for commercial dealership properties, things started falling into place. Part of my spirit is hesitant to attribute these falling pieces as the hand of God... not because I don't think He's in it, and I certainly know that He is able... Honestly, I'm just scared to claim discernment again. Maybe that's shallow faith. I don't know. I'm growing. Again, be patient with me.
Anyhoo, these falling pieces have become a New Life for the Hodsons in Moberly MO.
We landed a foreclosed home that will be a total reno job... all of which we will be able to pay cash for. We secured a location for a dealership that is both a great location & price. And we were led to a... unique location for a new church plant. What about a former adult video store doesn't scream "Put a church here!"?! What better place to communicate to people that "Any man who is in Christ is a new creation. The old is gone and all things become NEW!"
So this is what I'm processing... certainly not what I had planned for the start of 2015. But there's something about the best laid plans of men...
I am excited about what is to come! I'm happy that we're still close enough to our family, friends & framily to do life together with them. I'm anxious to see what God will do this year in & through our family.
My goal is to blog this process... the house reno, the dealership getting off the ground, the church plant... so that I can look back on this season of chaos & see a bigger picture of what a big God is up to.
My life has changed so much in the last 6 weeks that if I don't sit still & process all that has taken place, my brain might explode. So for my own safety & the sanity of those around me...
Summer 2014 : Cole & I were praying through some "proddings" that we felt were from the Holy Spirit regarding our future as a family & our careers. I had been feeling for a while that God was putting a softness in my heart toward homeschooling. Anyone who knows me knows that this HAD to come from God Almighty if it were ever to happen in my life. Heaven knows I wouldn't have walked that path on my own! Cole had also been feeling as though perhaps our ministry at our church (which we LOVE & wouldn't have walked away from for *almost* anything) was coming to an end. But we didn't know what that meant or what it would look like to leave, and so we didn't.
We brushed those things aside because we couldn't make sense of them.
They didn't fit in the plan that WE had for ourselves, and so we dismissed them.
So just like us.
So in the summer, a ministry opportunity presented itself to us that seemed to be the answer to all of those "proddings." A chance to plant a new church, with the opportunity to reach more people for Jesus, allowing me to stay home with our kids & even (gasp) homeschool Javik, while providing us a financially safe way to do it...
How could this NOT be from the Lord?!
So we began to prepare for our exit. In October I gave my resignation at school and we told our church that we would be leaving at year's end.
October 13-19 was one of the most emotionally draining & physically exhausting weeks of my life!
We started with Javik & Zailey. Nothing could have prepared me for the way they would each take that news & handle it so oppositely of one another. Crying & laughing; outbursts of excitement & mourning that seemed to turn from one into the other at the drop of a hat. Each night of the week was spent in the homes of some of our most dear friends... telling them the news of our departure. Wednesday the 15th we told our small group Framily, people who we were committed to live life with for the long haul (this group also included 2 of my co-workers, which added a whole new level...)
Sunday the 19th we stood before our church & told them the news. Tears flowed freely. Ours & theirs. We hugged & cried, cried & hugged until I had no tears left.
My 33rd birthday was the day I sat with my boss & gave resignation at a job that I loved. A workplace where I rarely felt like I was at "work."
By the time those 8 days were over, I was DONE. I was so emotionally drained, my children were sleep deprived... and we just kept assuring them that the chaos would calm SOON. But throughout, we felt affirmed that we were taking the right steps.
We spent 2+ months preparing to leave our little corner of the world... explaining hundreds of times why we would be moving to KC to eventually plant a church in STL... preparing my 100+ students to finish the year with a substitute teacher... preparing our church to continue ministering & loving people in our absence. One of the greatest lessons I learned during that time was humility. A lesson that has always been a tough one for me. Life can continue without me... at school, at church; I'm not the be-all-end-all! (I too was taken aback, so take some time to process that if you need to).
December 28 : Our last Sunday at Perche Baptist Church was perfect. Surrounded by our friends & family, laughing & crying & EATING... the way the Lord intended!
January 3, 2015 : We loaded up & headed to KC... moving into a house provided for us, ready to start a new adventure, a year that we knew would be crazy & chaotic & exciting as we prepared for another move to another city to start a new church.
We simply had no idea that the 2nd move would come so quickly.
Nor that the new city would be so close to "home".
January 15, 2015 : Our time in KC came to an end. Through events & circumstances that seemed out of our control, our partnership with the church there was over. I was hurt. I was furious! I felt like we had spent months putting all of our eggs into this one basket, only to have that basket taken from us. So many months preparing & planning, and it was over before it had really even begun.
What in the world was happening?!
Because my husband & I deal with heartache & hard things in completely different ways, he chose this time to be rational & trusting, while I chose to be panicked & outraged. Praise Jesus that he is the head of our household, lest we burn every bridge we've ever crossed & fly off the handle at my "steady hand."
Cole took this opportunity to do what he does best: minister.
He ministered to my heart by continually reminding me of some very basic things that I would not let myself remember:
1. God is not surprised by the events of our lives. He is sovereign & He is in control... even when I feel like control is spiraling away from me.
2. God is faithful to do what He says He will do, which is love us, provide for us, and give us a hope & a future.
and 3. The church is the bride of Christ, and if Jesus loved her enough to give His life for her, we will love her too. Even when we feel like a church has wronged us & left us out to dry. (I have to admit that this one is still a little hard for me to swallow. My pride insists on vengeance when I have been wronged... I know that this is not of Jesus. Be patient with me.)
My gut reaction was to GO HOME. Call my school. Call Perche. Move back home... Quick! Get to safety! But because he is the rational & trusting one, Cole suggested we take some time to observe what the Lord had done & was still doing in our lives...
(Bear in mind that we met with a couple on the evening of Jan 16 who had contacted us about buying our house. Yes, you heard me: they contacted us. That makes 2 of our houses...Long story short: they're buying it. We close 12 days from the time of this post.)
We had nothing but time! So we stepped back. Because gas is cheap right now (less than $2 for the national average?! Hello 1998!) & we are both unemployed, we took off out west. We were able to spend an entire week with Cole's mom & Grandma in Colorado, there to celebrate GG's 95th birthday with her, having no idea that she would pass from this earth to eternity just 9 days later. That is precious time with her that we never would have had if not for this turn of events.
We spent the next week at the pacific coast. Gorgeous SoCal weather & getting to take our kiddos to the beach for the first time. Another impossible from a KC office.
During that time, Cole & I talked about life. Our dreams. Our desires. The world was our oyster! Where did we want to go? Where did God want us to go?
Turns out: home. Or at least, pretty darn close! We got home on Thursday, Jan 29th. We had been scouring the internet for houses & property all over the U.S. For the immediate time, we decided we'd stay in Mid-MO until we had more clear direction. After getting home, we decided to get to work figuring out a home for our family post-Feb... Columbia was the center of our search. Turns out - property there is expensive! Whodathunkit? So we broadened our search -- to eventually include Moberly.
Now, I'm with you - Moberly has always seemed to me to be the armpit of the world. (I apologize to my friends from Moberly... the story does get better for the ol' Magic City.)
Our immediate plan is to start a dealership, which will provide some financial income for us (man can't live on bread alone! I know these Hodson "men" certainly can't!) & still give us some flexibility in our lives to pursue ministry. It's also a "job" that we can walk away from relatively easily if called somewhere else 6 months down the road.
So during our search for commercial dealership properties, things started falling into place. Part of my spirit is hesitant to attribute these falling pieces as the hand of God... not because I don't think He's in it, and I certainly know that He is able... Honestly, I'm just scared to claim discernment again. Maybe that's shallow faith. I don't know. I'm growing. Again, be patient with me.
Anyhoo, these falling pieces have become a New Life for the Hodsons in Moberly MO.
We landed a foreclosed home that will be a total reno job... all of which we will be able to pay cash for. We secured a location for a dealership that is both a great location & price. And we were led to a... unique location for a new church plant. What about a former adult video store doesn't scream "Put a church here!"?! What better place to communicate to people that "Any man who is in Christ is a new creation. The old is gone and all things become NEW!"
So this is what I'm processing... certainly not what I had planned for the start of 2015. But there's something about the best laid plans of men...
I am excited about what is to come! I'm happy that we're still close enough to our family, friends & framily to do life together with them. I'm anxious to see what God will do this year in & through our family.
My goal is to blog this process... the house reno, the dealership getting off the ground, the church plant... so that I can look back on this season of chaos & see a bigger picture of what a big God is up to.
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