If I would have known all that 2015 would entail, I would have walked into it a little more hesitantly. Instead, I naively trotted right into this year with stupid anticipation. All that I thought would be, is not. And all that came to be, well, I did not see that coming.
However, knowing what I know now about the year 2015, I can't really think of much I would change.
To understand the weight of that last sentence, you have to know where my heart has been the last 12 months and the journey that God has traveled with me.
You see, 2015 began with what I thought was going to be a year of transition for my family. Moving a couple of times, new cities, new friends, new experiences. And it was. We moved a couple of times, three actually before March 1; we now live in a "new" city, just one that we've actually known for awhile; we have wonderful new friends and we've had a bajillion new experiences...
It just wasn't the move(s) I was expecting, the city that I was planning for, or the experiences that I thought I wanted. And my heart wasn't OK with that.
In the last 12 months I've been heartbroken by people that I barely knew. I've swallowed a tremendous amount of pride and said "Hello Again" to people that I thought I'd said "Goodbye" to. I have endured 12 weeks of no kitchen, no living room & a construction-zone house. I homeschooled a 2nd grader... on a mediocre level... and constantly felt guilty about the lack of education that was actually happening.
I have battled bitterness that was so strong I was convinced that I'd never see the other side of it. And here's the thing about bitterness: it's really pretty one-sided. The people that I was bitter toward had & have no idea. My bitterness has not affected them at all. But the other thing about bitterness: it creates a deep, dark hole in the heart of the one who is harboring it. My heart was so broken over the loss of a life that I never lived. And that darkness led to depression. I was so focused on what I thought I had lost, that I couldn't see what I had actually gained. That was hard for me to realize... and even harder to explain to those around me who just kept asking me "what's wrong?"
As Christians, I don't think we know enough about depression. About how to recognize it, how to cope with it, how to minister to those going through it. It's so much more than just needing to "feel better" and "be happier." But that's another post...
It took me a long time, the majority of 2015 if I'm being honest, to begin seeing all that I had gained. I have a beautiful home that is filled with our blood, sweat & tears...literally. In a wonderful neighborhood where we have made friends that are so dear to us. There are people in my life who have been my friends for years who are now a whole lot more like family. That's a gift. I spent 7 1/2 months with my husband & kids, 24/7, just the four of us. There were a lot of days when that was harder than I wanted to admit, but the truth is, those are days I'll never get back. Even after Javik started back in public school, which he loves, with a teacher we adore, I still get to spend every day with Cole & Z. Granted, starting your own business (a business that I knew NOTHING about) was much harder than I thought it would be. But I have seen a new side of our family. My husband will relentlessly provide for us. I "knew" that before... but I KNOW it without a doubt now. That is a blessing. In a world where there are too many absent husbands & fathers, my man will step up every single time. I thank God for that.
And my kids are resilient! They are far tougher at ages 4 & 8 than I would say I am at 34. They are so like their dad in the way they take things in stride, go with the flow, don't get their feathers ruffled at the unexpected. Again, a gift! Because I am quite the opposite. I don't know that I could have accurately guessed exactly how I would handle a year like 2015... a year where every plan I had was thrown to the wind and my faith in a God much greater than I was put to the test. I would have liked to guess that I would have handled it with grace, with steadfast faith & hope, with patience and forgiveness... I know now that I did not. During one particular meltdown (one of many I might add) I said to Cole, my calm in the storm, that I just didn't know how to handle all of the emotions I was feeling about life. He very genuinely asked me "Well, how have you handled hard things in the past?" ..... crickets..... I had to look at him, and confess that I haven't really had to handle hard things in the past. I believe my exact response was "Um, I don't believe I have that particular skill set."
My life has been so easy! God has so blessed my days that I naively thought that was just the way life would/should always be! Never mind that all throughout scripture we read that God uses really hard circumstances to grow faith and teach dependence on him. Clearly I could read about those other guys and get the message... or maybe not. Apparently I needed the actual storm in my life to understand what all that "My grace is sufficient" and "I am made strong in your weakness" stuff was all about. Praise God that He is so patient with me! That He is so faithful and so good and so committed to this relationship. I would have kicked my own self to the curb by now!
This year has been hard. And awesome. And crazy and wonderful and frustrating and exciting... I'm sure that most years could be described that way, but this year has been one for the books in my life.
And I'm certainly not writing this from a "whew, glad that's over" vantage point. It's not that I've completely overcome the bitterness. There are places & people & "keywords" that trigger a not-so-pretty side of me. I'm working through that. And there are still times when that darkness of depression threatens to creep in and choke out the joy in my life. I'm working on that too. The most helpful aspects are that I can be honest with Cole & my inner circle about where I am and where I want to be headed. I truly know that God is good. That He is holy and just and loves me so. I really do believe that He knows what is best and wants good for my life. I also know now that His definitions of "best" and "good" aren't always what I envisioned. And I'm learning that faith means that I trust Him still. For too many years I prayed for His will and then really tried to force it to match mine. No more. I long to be in the center of HIS will, in the center of HIS work, and I long for contentment while I'm there. I believe it will come.
I'm learning what it means to surrender, daily, my will to Him. Some days it's much harder than others, but I think that growth is hard and painful and necessary. I'm learning much about myself, about who I am when I'm in hard places. I've always said that I'm a better mom & wife when I work... and yep, that's true! I need to feel necessary and important. That's probably pride in me; I'm working on that too. I'm learning about the car dealer world. I'm learning how to see value in being behind-the-scenes, that the mundane tasks by the unskilled worker are important too.
I'm even learning to like Moberly. :) It's really a nice little town and it's feeling more and more like home for us. And I'm excited about what 2016 is going to hold for us. I'm not making lists, I'm not putting together a Hodson Family Plan... but I'm excited. Because I know that no matter what it holds, we're being held by One who can be trusted.
This song by Casting Crowns nearly brought me to my knees one day. I was driving down the road and had to pull over, just letting the words sink in to my heart & mind...
Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere and barely leaves you holding on
And when you're tired of fighting, chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender, lay it down and let it go
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
If your eyes are on the storm you'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross you'll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted, in time you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with ashes, your life is in My hands
Lift your hands, lift your eyes, in the storm is where you'll find Me
and where you are, I'll hold your heart; I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest, in the arms of the God who won't let go
So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
I know that the events of my year don't even hold a candle to what some around the world have dealt with... I know those who have handled heartache in the foster system, there's a global refugee crisis, people fighting for their homes & lives, there is death and destruction and heartache all over this fallen world. And I truly know that I am blessed beyond measure to have the life that I have. I heard once that if everyone in the world put their troubles in a pile, we would all scramble to get our own back. I know that's true. In light of those problems, my "hard things" are nothing.
But I also know that God will use what He needs to in order to draw us closer to Him. This hard season was what I needed (anything more severe would have very likely crushed me!) And now I am prepared to face the next hard thing, whenever it comes. And I will lean on my Savior, and I will depend on those He has placed in my life who hold me up, and I will live a life that I pray glorifies Him!
Happy 2016. I'm giving this one to Jesus.
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