This Life Has No Reverse

My second grade teacher gave me the lead in the Dino-Dance in our class program.
The Dino-Dance.  Certainly not life changing for anyone.   Except me.
Her name was Peggy Tanner and she was brilliant.  Not only was she a wonderful teacher, she was a wonderful human being.  She made me believe that I could not fail!  Even at a Dino-Dance, on a stage in front of every other 2nd grader AND an audience full of parents, family & friends.
She invested; and her investment instilled a confidence in me that I carried from that day on.  I know that there were countless others in my life who nurtured that confidence too:  I had other teachers & coaches who watered it and gave it light, my own parents certainly weeded it when necessary, friends and family members have helped it grow.  But Mrs. Tanner sowed the seed.
She was the first of many teachers who made me want to be a teacher.
I knew from the time I was in her 2nd grade class that I wanted to do the same for some other girl (or boy).  I wanted to invest in her and help her see that her own abilities far exceeded even her own imagination.
And so I did.  I became a teacher.
In 11 1/2 years as a teacher I've had well over 1,000 kids in my classroom.  Some of them were easier to invest in than others.  Some of them were easier to like than others.  Some of them amazed me with their abilities & perseverance, while some of them disappointed me with their refusal to believe in themselves or work to make their lives better.  So many thoughts/feelings/emotions when I think back on all of those kids...most of whom are now grown-ups.

One of the hardest decisions I ever had to make was the decision to leave teaching.  For a season.  I walked away from my classroom, my students, my friends & my "home" to follow the Lord to a new mission field.  The day I walked out of my classroom for the last time, my heart physically hurt.

After a year and a half of the longest "season of chaos" that my little soul has ever endured, I had the opportunity to go back home.  Not to move again (heaven help me!) but to return to teaching in the building / community that I called home for so long.
I knew that this opportunity was coming.  A fellow teacher was planning to retire & I knew her "spot" would be open.  For nearly a year, I planned to apply for the job.  In a time when my entire world felt as though it had been tipped over & dumped out, the thought of "going back" comforted my weary brain.
Fast forward to the present... the job opened & it was time to apply.  Hooray!  I applied & went in for an interview.  I walked into it with confidence, thinking that the job could be mine.  I left there feeling less sure.  Not because of anything that changed in that building or with those friends, but because my life had taken a surprising turn.  I no longer felt as though my world was teetering between chaos & insanity.  Instead, I felt peaceful.  The chaos had been replaced by contentment.  It was the answer to my heart's cry, the prayer I had been lifting up for more than a year.
"Lord, help me fall in love with this new life you've given me."
And He did.
I find myself actually liking Moberly.  Even loving parts of living here.  I've made friends.  My kids have made friends.  We have amazing neighbors who love us like family.  We've made connections at Javik's school, both with administrators & teachers, and with other parents.
Our business is here & all of the relationships we've worked to establish through it.
In a turn of events that I simply did not see coming, Moberly has become home.

To most people that seems like it would be obvious.  Where you live should be home, right?  But, you see, I lived for more than seven years a mere six miles from a community that I have zero connection to.  Part of that was due to country living.  Part of it was due to the demographic of our little church there.  But a large part of it was due to the fact that I got up every morning, went to work & took my kids to a different community.  I made a 30 minute commute to another town, planted my kids in that school district, invested in the kids & families there, every single day.  Which I loved!  It was my home & it suited me just fine that it could be my family's "home" too... except that it wasn't.  We lived 26 miles from that "home."  My kids didn't have friendships there that could actually function like real friendships.  They saw their friends at school or daycare, and that was it.  Any interaction for them outside of those places took a tremendous amount of effort & planning on my part with the other parents.  Which I was happy to do.... while I had to.
But now.  Now we live IN a community.  My kids' friends live in our neighborhood.  They see each other at school & then hang out in each others' homes in the evenings & on weekends.  We see the same people at the store and at school and at soccer and baseball and gymnastics... These are our people.  This is our town.
And it took me walking back into my "old" life to see all of that so clearly.  The comfortable thought of just "going back" was gone, replaced by an anxiety about now having to split my life between two "homes," two communities.
You see, I know that teaching is so much more than what kind of lesson you present in a classroom.  It is SO much more about the investment you make in your kids, in their families, and in their school.  And maybe it's selfish of me, but I want to make that investment in my own kids.  In their friends.  In our families and in our school and in our community.  I found myself still wanting all the wonderful (and difficult) parts of teaching... I just want them in my new home.  As a secondary teacher, I will one day have my own kids in class.  I'm looking forward to that!  I want to go to my local grocery store and know those kids who work there.  I want to go to sporting events and be cheering on "my" kids.  I've experienced all of those things as a teacher, in a community that I travelled to and from each day.  And now, if it's possible, I want to experience them where I live!

I've learned that you can't ever really "go back."  This life has no reverse.  It can never be the way it was because God changes us.  When He changes our surroundings and our circumstances, He also changes our hearts.  There are so many wonderful times in my life that I would love to go back to, to revisit:
The excitement in the early years of dating Cole and the anticipation of all that could/would be.
My high school days and the endless hours of socialization with lifelong friends.
My college days and the endless hours of doing absolutely nothing, staying up too late, and making new friends who would walk through my grown up life with me.
The days when my babies were actual babies.  So sweet and soft and snuggly, and quiet.
Our sweet days as the Youth Minister's family of FBC, or the Pastor's family of Perche Baptist Church.

And yet, looking back at each of those times, I see more than that season:
I see the excitement of my early years with Cole, but I also see the beautiful 19 years since then and all that they've held.  All of the time spent in prayer and tears for each other, the moves, the job changes, the babies... this LIFE we have built.
I see the fun and friendship of my high school years, but I also see the sad reality that I've lost touch with most of those who meant so much to me.  Aside from Facebook, I don't really "know" them as grown-ups.
I see the stupidity and silliness of my college years, but I also see the decade & a half of real-life friendship since then.  The marriages, the babies, the woes of motherhood, the pain of divorce, the praying through adoptions and infertility... LIFE.
I see the sweet baby years of Jav & Z, but I hear the late-night giggles of right now.  I see the personality and the fun, the endless questions and the thoughtful minds and hearts.
I see the sweetness of our days with former church families, knowing that however frequently we get to visit them, those days are gone.  Those relationships are forever altered.

Looking back is done with fondness, that's for sure.  But looking at the right now, and what's even more, looking at what's ahead:  that's done with excitement!  Because as wonderful as the past was, even the hard parts and the pain and tears, it has made today what it is.  And as fond as I am of what was, you can't ever get that back.  And as much as I loved every single day of my 7+ years in a school that felt so much like home with coworkers who were more like family, I can't get those days back either.
My heart has moved from there.  My life has moved from there.  And I'm trusting that God will continue to give me a love for the life He has given me here.  Even if it doesn't include teaching.  Even if the decisions are hard and painful.  I'm walking in faith, with Dino-Dance confidence in the One who knows what's ahead.
And may all of the Peggy Tanners of the world know that the seed was sown well and the investment was worth it.